Al Bundy

Great quote from Al Bundy:

"So you think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments. To fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"

To be or not to be?

Monday, October 27, 2008
Finally got internet service back today. The internet service provider sent a guy here and he said the mistake was someone disconnected our cable tv and cable internet but he should have let the internet. The only show worth watching all day was “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” about a diabetic that died of a heroine overdose and a semi-truck driver that died of cardiac arrest while driving. I’ve heard that a heroine overdose is one of the best (painless) ways to go out.

I needed the Chow to come in to give him his twice daily antibiotic pill but he was enjoying the weather outside too much. So, I let Maggie, the Cocker Spaniel, come in and I gave her attention for over half an hour. After that, the Chow was more than willing to come in and take his medicine. Dogs can be so jealous! Maggie enjoyed coming in so much that I let her back in later during the night. Like a dog, one of these days they are going to have to hide my medicine in my food to get me to take it.

Sent Angela a text massage asking why I haven’t heard from her in a while, she said she had a terrible hangover this weekend. Maybe she did. She’s drinking to numb some pain that she has but I don’t know what it is. Rather than drinking, why can’t she just keep a journal about how horrible life is and how every breath is painful – you know…like I do? Maybe her therapist will help her.

I’m dreading tomorrow since I have to go to the doctor with dad. I mean, thank goodness I am available to go with him but I know learning about how to administer insulin and how bad his diabetes has become will send me spiraling down. He likes to skips meals and take his current medicine after many hours of no food intake but he can’t do that with insulin or his blood sugar will drop critically low.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Went to the diabetes doctor with dad. It was every bit as nerve-racking as I thought it might be. The Dr. said dad’s average blood sugar level is 400! Jesus, that is high! That really scares me. Dr said the current guidelines call for blood sugar to be 70-100. Also, dad has lost about 20 pounds but it might not be fat that he has lost, it might be weight he has lost because his blood sugar was so out of control. Great. After losing 1 parent, you automatically worry even more about the remaining parent. We met with a dietician that discussed how and what he should eat. The most important thing is he usually goes all day (literally) without eating and then eats 1, huge meal for supper. As a diabetic, he needs to eat many smaller meals to regulate his blood and so he can take his medicine. He has to start insulin now – 2 shots a day.

Then, when we got home, after seeing the doctor and getting his insulin from the pharmacy, he opened his prescription and realized they gave him syringes instead of a different injection needle he is supposed to use. So, he had to drive all the way back (an hour round trip) to the pharmacy and get things sorted out. Not a good day for him.

I let the Cocker Spaniel in again today to convince the Chow to come in to take his medicine. The Chow wants back out after an hour but the Cocker loves it in the house so dad set let her stay in. She is quite sweet.

My sister found out she will not be getting her professional license for the state of Alabama so that was a disappointment for her. She wanted to move to a warmer climate.

To my surprise, Angela called tonight and we talked for about an hour. I asked if something was wrong and why had she acted strange lately but she swore she is fine. Since she has her own issues, I was comfortable discussing my obsessive-compulsive personality disorder with her. She looked up the diagnosis in her psychology book and agreed the symptoms fit me well. Before bed I watched “Locked Up Abroad: Ecuador.”

Singing the blues

Saturday, October 25, 2008
Today sucked. It started off as any other day but my melancholy gradually got worse as the day went on. Dad called from work at 11:30am and said he found a 2007 Ford Taurus that he wanted to buy in Clinton. Where is he getting the money to pay for the car, satellite dish, and home repairs while still helping my sister and I? I don’t know! So the Taurus was nice, silver, 4 door, 32,000 miles and dad bought it. I had to drive it home and that is when all these memories came back to me. The inside of the Taurus was nearly identical to the Mercury Sable (a sister car) that mom drove and we sold after her death. I felt like I was in the Sable again and mom should have been next to me. Just like hearing an old song can take you back to the exact moment when you first heard it, driving the Taurus took me back 3 years in time – a time when I was happy. Yes, happy, not just content, not just surviving, I was happy. To me now, happiness is like a fantasy, a dream, a foreign land and an unknown culture. I don’t understand how something so easily obtained in the past, something I was surrounded by at all times, can just disappear like a thief in the night. In another ironic twist, while driving home I heard song after song on the radio that came out 3 years ago, James Blunt, Daniel Powter, Red Hot Chili Peppers, it was like a went into a time warp to 2005.

As I drove home I thought about how much promise and potential I had in my life, all the way from childhood to college graduation. But my belief, which first entered my mind 6 years ago, that it will all end tragically continues to increase each year. I’ll be fine tonight and tomorrow, but next month, next year, I don’t know. Life seems like a pointless movie, often boring and depressing, but even when something happens it is without meaning. Should I watch the entire film or turn it off early? Either way it ends.

Erin called and said she will get a refund for mistakenly purchasing windows vista. And dad seems happy about the Taurus and he went to a wiener roast next door a Butch’s. I’m glad he seems to be happy and I hope he really is. He deserves to be happy.

When we got home, the local cable company that we replaced with DirectTV had stopped by and probably cut off our cable because we have no cable internet access now. How stupid can they be? We made it clear we would still keep and pay for cable internet access. Now we won’t have the internet all weekend. Bastards.

If you want to find out what is behind these cold eyes then you’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.

Sunday, October 26, 2008
Still no internet today because our internet service provider is a sham. I pretty much did nothing all day but it is not like I had anything to accomplish anyway. Another day of drudgery. Gabby went to the farm and said he plans to call about the internet first thing tomorrow. Erin called and she in nervous about not being able to move until mid December. She is worried that the weather will be bad before then and on the day we try to move her.

“Desperate Housewives” was good and she used flashbacks to show the events of the past 5 years, which had been skipped over in the storylines. Also, watched “A Haunted History of Halloween” on the History Channel. A holiday about death – now that is something I can appreciate.

Pain. I felt down all weekend. I mean, more done than usual. And this comes after I have increased the dosage of my Prozac (the 4^th time!) almost 2 weeks ago. The meds aren’t going to help. If the doctor had a pill the would fill the hole in my heart, that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, no such pill exists.

Freedom Springs Eternal

Thursday, October 23, 2008
Gloomy and rainy day here, which mirrors my internal mood. Made a vet appointment for the Chow since he has a skin irritation near his tail that really bothers him. Watched “South Park” about a Pandemic of Peruvian bands. On “The Office,” Michael hooked up with the lady from HR and the office was robbed.

Dad is still having pain around the tooth he had worked on. Erin stayed home from work due to her back and stomach pains. Everyone in my family is breaking down. My only issues are strictly in the brain. Physically, I am extremely healthy. If mother nature wanted to be extremely cruel, she would make me live out a long life of despair while taking my family away at an early age. I won’t let that happen.

Quote from Roger Waters: “Many people are robbed of their whole lives because they are trapped in the system. They are used to produce Volkswagens. People are paid for their work, buy televisions and fridges and believe that this compensates for the fact that they spend their whole lives putting cars together.”

Roger sums up modern life pretty well. And we don’t own our possessions, they own us.

I wish I could run around the house destroying things with a baseball bat (like a rock star in a hotel room) because I need to get some anger out. But, disposing of the anger does help, it just brings the melancholy to the surface.

Friday, October 24, 2008
Took the Chow to the vet today and it went well. I was worried because the Chow had growled before when anyone touched his sensitive skin irritation but he was fine and let the vet touch him. The Davenports were waiting ahead of me and they didn’t even recognize me. The new vet (who’s mother is our neighbor) was really nice and said the Chow probably has a skin infection. The vet gave a shot and antibiotic pills to give him twice a day.

Went to Springfield with Gabby. We hit Maverick, Wal-Mart and County Market. I had to stand in line for over 20 minutes at Wal-Mart to get my increased Prozac prescription. There is always a couple of issues with people and their insurance coverage/costs that hold up the whole pharmacy line. Of course, we’re all broke so we have to go to Wal-Mart to get our prescriptions. Private insurance is a joke. I do understand that socialized, government run health insurance would be a joke as well. However, the difference is private insurance is a joke that many people cannot afford while socialized health insurance would be a joke that everyone would have access to. I prefer the latter.

I’m starting to think more and more about not taking my medicine. Not that I would go that far but I wish I would. I know if I quit cold turkey, there would be a 3-4 day delayed effect and then it would probably cause me to jump off the nearest bridge I could find. It just cost so much and my world perspective won’t change. I don’t have a depression that is related to a single event, such as the loss of my mother, a bad job, or a bad relationship, all can contribute to depression but I have existential depression. Everything I have read about this condition says it is harder to treat because medication and even therapy doesn’t usually improve one’s condition. That doesn’t mean one’s condition cannot improve but it does mean the traditional solutions probably won’t work for this condition. Everyday is just a dreaded chore for me in a meaningless world. What can change that? Everything is a chore, waking up, going to work or taking it easy, eating, all are chores I would avoid if I could.

On “The Sarah Silverman show” Sarah kept running over men with her car that she thought were Usama Bin Laden. The entire episode was hilarious. I tried to finish the night by watching the movie “Pink Floyd: The Wall,” which I have on VHS. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the movie because with DirectTV hooked up to the TV set, the VCR doesn’t seem to work. The setup is so complicated that I’m not about to attempt to adjust it. Once again, our technology owns us. This is another reason that I am disappointed in myself, I’m addicted to TV. My life revolves around what is on time and what time it is on. I’m owned by the TV. How did this happen? I want to be free. Maybe a completely free life isn’t too exciting, bordering on boring but it is probably a much happier and less stressful way to live.

I don't believe in magic

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Road Dog (the housekeeper) came today. Gabby went to the dentist and had 2 cavities filled. The crazy part is the dentist asked him if he wanted his mouth/gums to be numbed and Gabby said “no.” I can’t believe that. Sure, he’s trying to save money but come on. Is this the 1800’s? Why have dental work without having your mouth numbed? Gabby said, “It did hurt a little but I could take it, I am a man!” Then he got his blood work taken for his diabetes doctor next week. I wish him luck because I really worry when he goes to the doctor.

Watched “Dr. G. Medical” examiner about a couple found dad in a car in a church parking lot and a woman that claimed she shot her husband in self-defense. Also, caught the “Breaking the Magician’s Code” that I had recorded. They showed how to stick a rose through a girl and how to pass through a turbofan. Started reading my “Darkness Visible” book. I think I’ll like it, the author’s depression made him hit rock bottom. One of the few things that still entertains me is now that we have Direct TV, I flip through the porno channels – we don’t get the channels because they are pay-per-view but the menu displays the title of every movie – and the titles are so raunchy, so wrong, that it is hilarious.

I had to make out another check for $435 to pay for next month’s cobra health coverage. It’s breaking me. Every month my account balance drops and I have no money coming in. Sometimes I just feel like saying “screw it” and want to quiet paying the outrageous fees for coverage and medicine. I’m not even sure the meds work and neither is my doctor. At the very most, the only thing the meds do is treat the symptoms, not my actual condition. I live in America, which is not only suppose to be the world’s only superpower now, but the greatest superpower in the history of civilization, yet health bills are breaking me, just like they do many others. There are 47 million of us Americans with no health insurance at all. Moreover, a large portion of bankruptcies are not due to reckless spending but are due to medical bills.

All the polls have Obama’s lead increasing as we reach 14 days until the election. Obama leads by 10 points in many polls.

Erin called tonight because she was having computer problems. She needed to upgrade and purchase her Microsoft Office software to continue to use it but she was confused and bought the “Windows Vista” operating system instead. So, she spent $100 on the standard version of “Windows Vista” but she already had the more advanced professional version of “Windows Vista” on her computer! Besides spending $100 to buy an inferior operating system, this did not provide her with the full version of “Microsoft Office” that she really wanted all along. Also, since the new standard version of “Windows Vista” was installed, it erased all of her stored files on her computer. She was very upset and in tears on the phone. She called technical support and will get a restoration disk back with her old operating system but her files are lost forever and she doesn’t know if she can get her $100 back from Microsoft. She said she felt like a complete idiot.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Everyday just brings more bad news. Erin called this morning and said she threw out her back while bending over. She added that dad got a phone call from his doctor today saying he needs to go on insulin. They want his blood sugar level to be at a 7.0 but it was at 12.0. He’s not thrilled but he seems to be taking it ok. I’ll be sure to go with him to the doctor next Tuesday when he starts taking the shots. I feel like I’m going through the exact same process as I did 2 years ago when mom became sick but this time it is dad. I hope the outcome is much better this time.

God is a concept, by which we measure, our pain, I'll say it again, God is a concept, by which we measure, our pain, I don't believe in magic, I don't believe in I-ching, I don't believe in Bible, I don't believe in tarot, I don't believe in Hitler, I don't believe in Jesus, I don't believe in Kennedy, Í don't believe in Buddha, I don't believe in Mantra, I don't believe in gita, I don't believe in yoga, I don't believe in kings, I don't believe in Elvis, I don't believe in Zimmerman, I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me, And that's reality, The dream is over, What can I say?
The dream is over.

Rush Limbaugh continues to insist that the 10 point lead that many polls show for Obama is not accurate. Limbaugh says this is a very close race. We’ll see. Sent a follow up letter to Bunn seeking employment. It can’t hurt. I watched the “David Gilmour Live in Gdnask” concert that I taped from VH1 Classic. He’s no Roger Waters but the concert was pretty good. Rick Wright sang and played during the entire concert. It is a shame he is gone now but he’s better off than all of us now. Finally, the episode of “MonsterQuest” that I’ve been looking forward to for many weeks was on. The episode was about giant spiders, which legends claim reach up to 4 or 5 feet in length. As always, none were found but that is ok, I’m still terrified of spiders as small as a penny.

I better get to bed now…I’m sure another day of disappointments and heartaches awaits for tomorrow.

The dream is over

Sunday, October 19,2008
Virtually did nothing today. We now have well over 200 channels with DirectTV yet there is still usually nothing worth watching. Erin was still here today and she is still worried about getting moved out of her apartment. We watched “Desperate Housewives” about Lynette being jealous of Bree’s success. The entire episode was very predictable. Colon Powell endorsed Barack Obama today.

On a philosophy message board, someone named “interestedinlife” responded to my “peak moment” theory of life, which I listed yesterday. Here is what he said and my response.

Interestedinlife: “I like the idea of "peak moment", as one that have a major influence on persons life. Still, I think, that "peak moment" describes one’s psychological state. It could be a traumatic experience, or a totally illuminating experience. But is this experience conscious or comes from unconsciousness? The more fundamental question would be, do we have a freedom to choose "peak moment"? Or maybe at the moment when we find out our "peak experience", meaning comes to our life?”

My response: “I think you are really on to something here and I don't have an answer or a hypothesis yet. As you asked, can we "chose" what is our "peak moment" or at least chose what we want to define as our "peak moment?" That is an incredibly hard question to answer and it brings free will into the equation.

In my example, my "peak moment" thus far has been my mother's death. I certainly didn't choose that, however do I have the ability to change and overcome that by sheer will power? I don't know. Do I choose how to interpret it or how I let it affect me? Or are some things just intrinsically negative experiences? Sartre would most likely say yes, I do have that choice and since I have not overcome her death, I have chosen to have a negative perspective on life. But is it that simple?

If someone was sexually abused as a child, this negative "peak moment" would certainly have a lasting influence on the victim. Does the victim have the free will and ability to just overcome this? Things happen to us which we cannot control. Again, Sartre would most likely believe we choice how to deal with, accept and interpret such events. I'm not so sure. What do you think?”

Monday, October 20, 2008
Listened to guest Amity Shlaes on “CoastToCoastAM.” She is the author of “The Forgotten Man” and she said during The Great Depression the stock market dropped a staggering 80% and did not come back to its 1929 level until 1954. The rest of her interview focused on her belief that Herbert Hoover was not nearly as a bad of a President as he has been portrayed while FDR made many mistakes that prolonged the Depression.

Erin left to return to her apartment today. Dad worked all day and then had to go to a cocktail party since the bank’s merger was approved today. Watched “Big Bang Theory” about Sheldon trying to learn to drive. “2 and a Half Men” had the return of Jake’s former teacher, whom Charlie dated. The awesome part of the night was when I caught “Classic Albums: John Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band” on VH1 Classic. They discussed how the death of his mother had a tremendous affect on Lennon and how much pain it bought him. Does that sound like anyone familiar? Her death did provide a huge inspiration for his creative side but he never got over the pain. I know how you felt, John.

Building on the subject of “existential depression” that I mentioned the other day, I found a good essay on the topic. I have printed the entire article here:

Title: Existential depression in gifted individuals

Author: James T. Webb

Citation: Reproduced by permission of the Great Potential Press.

Taken from: http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_ExistentialDepressionInGiftedIndividuals.shtml

It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously. Sometimes this existential depression is tied into the positive disintegration experience referred to by Dabrowski (1996).

Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or "ultimate concerns")--death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?

Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well.

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.

When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no "ultimately right" choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations.

The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at "fate" or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression.

In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of "unfairness." Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one's life. It is at this point that they question life's meaning and ask, "Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?"

Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.

How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation.

The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982).

A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or "failure to thrive" syndrome. Often, I have "prescribed" daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, "I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug." A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a "high five" can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection.

The issues and choices involved in managing one's freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives.

It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in "causes" (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to "belong." Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration.

In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes:

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

Langston Hughes

References
Dabrowski, K. (1966). The Theory of Positive Disintegration. International Journal of Psychiatry, 2(2), 229-244.
Halsted, J. (1994). Some of My Best Friends Are Books: Guiding Gifted Readers from Pre-School through High School. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (Formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Webb, J. T., Meckstroth, E. A. and Tolan, S. S. (1982). Guiding the Gifted Child: A Practical Source for Parents and Teachers. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.]

Happy Birthday

Friday, October 17, 2008

Finished my “Night Falls Fast” book. I did enjoy it, it was good but not great. To my surprise, dad said he called and ordered DirectTV and they will be installing the satellite dishes Saturday morning. I don’t mind, I was very content with our cable service and I already watch too much TV. I’ll probably love the DVR more than the additional channels. I guess I’m…reluctantly, heading into the future. I waited until 2006 to finally get a DVD player and my favorite computer is over 6 years old now. That is ancient in computer time. What can I say, I’m “old school.”

Went to Springfield with Gabby tonight. I drove the Blazer since it was raining. We hit Wal-Mart, Burger King and County Market. Watched “The McLaughlin Group” in which both John McLaughlin and Pat Buchanan discussed the likelihood that liberal democrats with control the House, Senate and Presidency and have more power to pursue a liberal agenda than ever before. Both Pat and John believe with no check on their power, a liberal agenda could lead to a severe backlash by the public.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Happy Birthday to me. I have completed another year of failure. Hooray. I did not get a single birthday wish from any of my friends (only relatives remembered). Not a single friend or former coworker, many of which I became very close to, remembered. Geez. I miss you mom. My sister came home and together with dad, we ate at Ruby Tuesday’s and then saw the movie “Sex Drive.” The movie was actually quite good. Aunt Debbie called and wished me well and then I talked to Nesby for about 10 minutes on the phone. I tease him that he must be able ready to get married and he claimed he is not even close to being ready. Nesby brought up the the age of 27 is the age that all the rock stars, Hendrix, Joplin, Cobain, Morrison, died. Ironic.

The guy from Direct TV told Gabby he would be here between 8am and Noon to install the satellite dish. Then he called at 1pm and said he would be here at 2pm. He finally arrived at 5:15pm! There is an entire Seinfeld episode dedicated to the Kramer running from the cable man since he lied about when he would arrive. I love that show. We showed the DirectTV guy where all the TV’s were and left to see the movie. To our astonishment, when we got home at 10pm, he was still here working on the dish and receivers! When he finally got it all setup, he couldn’t leave because our cable internet wasn’t working. Finally, he found a wire he had disconnected. He left at about 11pm! Everything seems to be working now.

I’ve gotten some feedback on my essay about the meaning of life from the people at allexperts.com. One of the experts (Neil) wrote the following response: “Nice essay. Basically, [you] have existential depression (there are thousands of articles for this form of depression that you can read on google). Existential depression is, for the most part, associated with the gifted. This is a hard depression to overcome because it is so difficult to change the way you think. I would do some research on existential- nihilism or just nihilism (I think that might be your philosophy). Unfortunately, you should know that existential depression is associated with suicide. You need to be able to differentiate the theoretical from the practical, and never let these two worlds overlap. You can be an existential-nihilist in theory, but in practice (when you live your life), be [an] empiricist, be a religious person, be something that's fun for you. I recommend that you change your lifestyle. Add some positive aspects to your life: exercise (releases the hormone serotonin which makes you feel good), listen to happier and more upbeat music?, and spend more time outside with friends and less time alone.” Of course Neil is exactly right, about me having existential depression and how to live a happier life. If it were only easier to make those necessary changes that lead to improvment.

Here is my essay:

The Individual Perspective on Life

Theories about the way one views his or her life have been developed before and will be again in the future. However, these theories all contain the same flaw, they are way too complicated. The perspective or meaning of life is such a fundamental question for us but scholars have been unable to define, understand and express this fundamental question throughout history. The individual perspective on life, or the search for meaning in one’s life, is actually easy to explain because everyone, from young children to adults, and those with high I.Q.’s to those with mental handicaps, experience this fundamental question. The individual perspective on life can be mapped out similarly to a bell curve. The peak point (which will referred to as the “peak moment”) on this bell curve defines how one views his or her life. This “peak moment” shapes one’s worldview. Everyone has a specific “peak moment” which defines his or her life however, this “peak moment” can change during the course of one’s life. Understanding this “peak moment” is a key to understanding yourself and how you view the world.

The meaning of one’s life can be mapped out similarly to a bell curve. The “peak moment” of one’s life on this bell curve defines the meaning of one’s life and how he or she perceives the world. The key to understanding one’s life and his or her perspective on life, is to determine “peak moment” of one’s life. Everyone’s life will be a string of ups and downs, including some major high points and some major low points, but the “peak moment” must be separated from all other life experiences to understand an individual’s overall perspective on life.

The “peak moment” can be an extreme high point for someone, such as marriage, getting the perfect job or becoming wealthy. However, the “peak moment” could be an extreme low point instead, such as the death of a loved one, a divorce, or losing all financial security. Once the “peak moment” is determined, it can be isolated and used to better understand how someone views life overall.

If the “peak moment” for someone is an extreme high point, he or she will view their overall life in a positive light and have a positive perspective of the world. In this way, if one’s “peak moment” is the high point when wealth or financial security was obtained, then while it remains that money cannot buy happiness, in this case it does causes happiness.

If one’s “peak moment” is an extreme low point, it will cloud and overshadow everything else in his or her life. This does not mean someone with a negative “peak moment” cannot ever have periods of happiness or experience joy but it does mean his or her overall life perspective will be negative. At the same time, if one’s “peak moment” is a positive event, he or she will still experience the trials and tribulations of life but the “peak moment” that defines his or her life in a positive light will carry the person through and help the person overcome the negative events in life. For example, I am 27 years old and as of now, my “peak moment” was the negative event of my mother passing away 2 years ago. That event shapes my entire world and gives me an overall gloomy perspective on life. I still experience joy and am happy at times but those moments are outnumbered and overshadowed by my current negative world perspective. The easy part is that I now know what I need to do to improve my life and gain a more positive outlook on life. What I need to do is accept, deal with, and overcome the death of my mother. Unfortunately, the hard part is implementing and executing the plan. To this day, I have not been about to get past this negative experience so it acts as a constant weight on my shoulders every day. Good and bad things happen everyday but nothing else really matters that much because my mother is gone forever.

Someone else with a positive “peak moment” (such as marrying the love of their life) would be able to eventually overcome and accept the death of a close loved one because as painful as the loss would be, it would not define his or her life. Instead, the comfort and knowledge of this person’s marriage would outshine and help overcome this dark period. Even if this “peak moment” (marrying the love of one’s life) occurred when the person was 20 years old, and his or her spouse dies later on in life, this person would carry on with a positive perspective on life since the marriage and time together would outshine the passing of his or her spouse. Thus, for this individual, it will have been better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all because the love outweighs the loss.

So, this “peak moment” is much like an ideology or lens through which one sees the entire world. Much like a religious person sees the world through his or her faith or a Marxist views the world and all of history as a battle of class struggle, we view the world through our “peak moment.” By the way, all people, religious, Marxist, Conservative, Liberal, have a “peak moment” that defines their individual life perspective and it is more powerful than any other individual ideology.

One’s “peak moment” can change over time but these changes are few because we rarely have events that are so monumental that they change our entire life perspective. For example, my life now and for the next several years could be defined by a negative life perspective because of my negative “peak moment” (death of my mother). But there is a possibility that I could experience a new, life changing experience (such as falling in love with the perfect person) in the future that allows me to overcome this painful loss and view life from a new, positive perspective. It is also possible that something could occur in the future that is so negative (loss of another loved one, loss of job, severe injury, etc) that it overrides the death of my mother. This new negative “peak moment” would not change my life perspective from seeing everything through a negative lens but the new lens, or defining moment of my life, would change from the loss of my mother to the new “peak moment.”

The reason it is so important to define one’s peak moment is because if one does not accurately define his or her “peak moment,” he or she will never be able to make the necessary adjustments to change his or her perspective on life. For example, say the “peak moment” of a person’s life was when he or she lost the teaching job he or she loved doing at the age of 30. This would be the defining moment of this person’s life and this person may turn to drugs, alcohol and romantic relationships over the next several years to try to drown out the negative “peak moment.” If and when this person reaches the conclusion that he or she needs to make a significant change in his or her life, to change his or her negative perspective on life, this person might decide to stop using drugs, alcohol or to break up with his or her romantic partner. While any of these actions might be good or bad (such as giving up alcohol would probably result in positive consequences), they will not change the person’s overall negative perspective on life. This person would only be treating the symptoms or possibly unrelated issues of his or her negative life perspective. The only way to fully change one’s perspective on life is to define and overcome the true negative “peak moment” in his or her life. However, no one said this would be easy.

In conclusion, to fully understand one's life and world perspective, we must first define the “peak moment” of this person’s life. This “peak moment” will allow us to understand how the person views everything else in his or her life. “Peak moments” can come from a very positive experience or a very negative experience. Also, the “peak moment” that defines someone can change throughout his or her life. To change one’s life, he or she must define, change and overcome his or her “peak moment” to obtain a new perspective on life.

Prozac Nation

Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Dow fell another 733 points (7.78%) to close at 8,577. Most of the major markets worldwide had their largest single day drop since 1987. I started my increased Prozac dosage today. I hope it doesn’t make me tired or affect me. Received my two books from Amazon today, “Night Falls Fast” by Kay Redfield Jamison and “Darkness Visible” by William Styron. Read the first 130 pages of “Night Falls Fast” today and found it to be quite interesting. Dad said he wants to get DirectTV so he can get “The Big Ten Network” channel so I told him what questions to ask our current cable carrier and the technitions at DirectTV. Tonight was the 3rd and final Presidential debate. McCain went on the attack and performed better but there was no game changer so I think Obama still has an 80% chance of being the next President.

Thursday, October 16, 2008
Spent more time working on my essay on the meaning of life. I have tentatively titled it “The Individual Perspective on Life” and I made tremendous progress today! However, the title is subject to change. I hope to complete it by October 18th. Also, read more of my “Night Falls Fast” book. I think I might have barely felt the effects of increasing my Prozac dosage but I think my body should adjust over the next week. Gabby is exhausted since he worked all day and then had a special board meeting to attend tonight for work as well.

Watched “Kath & Kim” about Kath promoting her home hair salon for the upcoming prom. On “The Office” Michael and the rest of the office was preparing a baby shower for Jan but she showed up to everyone’s surprise after already having the baby. Then, I caught the “Saturday Night Live” special mocking the Presidential debate.

Well it is official, I have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). My doctor diagnosed it and then Erin called tonight and said I have many of the typical side effects. I guess, now that I look back on my life, I can see many of the symptoms that are typical with OCPD. We just never realized before that I had the condition. I’m a perfectionist, small things out of order or small changes upset me, I like a regimented life with little change, I’m stingy with money and my mind races and I can’t control my thoughts. I guess it all makes sense.

Childhood's end

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” in which Howard Bloom was the guest. He discussed economic breakdown cycles since the 1600’s. According to Bloom, there is a recession approximately every 10 years and a depression approximately every 70 years. During the Depressions, the technology that allowed the current world superpower becomes obsolete and shortly after the Depression, a new superpower arises. Bloom thinks the Dow will bottom at and remain at 7200 in the near future.

Erin called and said they are changing her schedule at work from 10am – 7pm with Wednesday off to the standard 8-5 Mon through Friday. She isn’t exactly thrilled and is more determined to move closer to her job since she will have to drive 5 days a week now. Watched shows I had taped from last night. “Magic’s Biggest Secrets” showed how the floating or levitation illusion is done (the magician is attached by cables from a large crane). Watched "Locked up abroad - Taiwan" that I had on tape. “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” had a special episode about how not to die. According to Dr. G., the #2 killer in her morgue is obesity and the #1 killer is smoking/nicotine.

You shout in your sleep. Perhaps the price is just too steep. Is your conscience at rest if once put to the test? You awake with a start to just the beating of your heart. Just one man beneath the sky, Just two ears, just two eyes. You set sail across the sea of longpast thoughts and memories. Childhood's end, Your fantasies merge with harsh realities. And then as the sail is hoist, You find your eyes are growing moist. All the fears never voiced say you have to make your final choice. Who are you and who am I to say we know the reason why? Some are born; Some men die beneath one infinite sky. There'll be war, there'll be peace. But everything one day will cease. All the iron turned to rust; All the proud men turned to dust. And so all things, time will mend. So this song will end.

Went to the psychiatrist today and things didn’t go well. Actually, nothing specifically bad happened and I really like my doctor, it is just that he noticed I’m still not doing well. He wants to increase my prozac to 60mg from 40 and said in the future, we might try adding Wellbutrin in as well. I hope the increase in dosage helps but I have my doubts. I am who I am…and this is me. Welcome to my world. The Dr. also said I’m probably borderline with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (I believe he previously said obsessive compulsive disorder, not personality). Who knows? Let’s just say I’ve gone mad and leave it at that!

Before bed, Angela called and we talked for an hour and a half. I know she likes me, she kept saying “you’re so cute” and “you’re so funny.” But, she has her own issues to deal with now, especially with an ex-boyfriend and current coworker named Nick. She is even seeing a therapist to help her deal with the situation. I wish her the best but I’ve got my own issues to battle everyday. I told her to call me when she has a better handle on things. Another fine day full of disappointments.

Hold on to the dream

Monday, October 13, 2008
Gabby had the day off for Columbus Day and went to the farm around noon. I stayed home. I had one of those epiphany moments today in which I had several thoughts about the meaning of life. I think I might be onto something! I’m collecting my thoughts on the idea and plan to write them in an essay in the future. Erin sent a text that they had a meeting at work and it went really bad so all her coworkers are stressed out now. The Dow Jones actually had a 936 point increase to close at 9,387. That is the largest 1 day increase on record - the previous record one-day point gain, 499.19, was set during the waning days of the dot-com boom in the late 1990’s.

Monday is the best day of TV so I watched way too much today. “Unsolved Mysteries” returned to TV on the Spike network. I enjoyed the episode because the leading story was about whether Kurt Cobain’s death was really a suicide. They listed some inconsistencies such as his credit card was logged after his death, the suicide note has slightly different hand writing at the bottom, and some investigators speculated Kurt had made the decision to step out of the spot light as a rock star so someone killed him. I believe the Seattle Police Department and think it is very, very unlikely that he was murdered. After all, Cobain had made suicide attempts previously in his life. On “The Big Bang Theory” the guy from India received recognition from People magazine, which made him become arrogant. “Two and a Half Men” had Charlie dating Allen’s receptionist. “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” had a man that died as a result from diabetic complications and the other case was a man that died as a result of an injury sustained during a drunken fall.

Floating down through the clouds, Memories come rushing up to meet me now. But in the space between the heavens and the corner of some foreign field, I had a dream. I had a dream. Good-bye Max. Good-bye Ma. After the service when you're walking slowly to the car and the silver in her hair shines in the cold November air,
You hear the tolling bell, And touch the silk in your lapel, And as the tear drops rise to meet the comfort of the band, You take her frail hand And hold on to the dream.

The lines above always take me back to that horrible funeral I attended on 9-3-06. I tried to hold on to the dream for the next 3 or 4 months but in the end it was just a fantasy. That is when the worms set into my brain. I received a text from Angela tonight at 9:15. We had agreed to see a movie tomorrow night but now she said she had forgot that she has a therapist appointment tomorrow night. So she canceled and said she would call tomorrow instead. It was the third time she post-posted so I was kind of cold back to her. I sent her a text back saying, “it’s all rock ‘n roll to me.” It is probably for the best. With everything I am going through now, the one thing I do not need anymore of is drama. Also, I don’t want to have to explain anything more to her about what I’m going through now and how I’m unemployed. The less she knows, the better. I finished the night by looking through some old high school notebooks. Among the notebooks were my notes and tests from my Junior and Senior math classes. The classes were Algebra III and Pre-Calc and the work and tests looked like a foreign language to me! The work was from 1998 and 1999 (I scored 98’s and 100’s on almost all of them), I’ve forgotten it all now. It looks more intimidating than I remember it back then!

Bad day

Sunday, October 12, 2008
Spent a good portion of the day sealing the driveway. Keeney and I started at 9:30am and finished at 2:30. Now my back is sore and I’m covered in black tar. I’m not used to that much manual labor! But the driveway needed it bad and now looks 10 times better. The driveway is so big that we used the 10 original (5 gallon) buckets of seal that dad purchased and he had to go back and buy an additional 6 before we could finish.

Watched “Black Blizzard” on the history channel about the causes and effects of the 1930’s dustbowl. In a sense, I can relate to how those people felt at times because when I look to the future, I see a large dust storm headed my way and I have no where to run. “Desperate Housewives” was ok, Gabriel’s daughter bullied Susan’s son and Bree’s daughter, now a hippy, returned home with her baby.

Where is the moment we needed the most, You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost, They tell me your blue skies fade to gray, They tell me your passion's gone away, And I don't need no carryin' on, You stand in the line just to hit a new low, You're faking a smile with the coffee to go, You tell me your life's been way off line, You're falling to pieces every time, And I don't need no carryin' on, Cause you had a bad day, You're taking one down, You sing a sad song just to turn it around, You say you don't know, You tell me don't lie, You work at a smile and you go for a ride, You had a bad day, The camera don't lie, You're coming back down and you really don't mind, You had a bad day.

Today was just a bad day. I want to give up. It is more than that. I just feel like giving up. Why bother? My head is full of dark forebodings because I know things will only get worse in the future. I don’t know if that future is tomorrow, next month or next year but it is coming. Talked to Angela for a half hour and we made plans to see a movie tomorrow. I don’t know why, the conversation was going really well but after 30 minutes I had one of those “got to get out of here” moments so I ended the call asap. Later she sent me a text apologizing because she didn’t realize her sister’s lunch (whom she will meet tomorrow) is the same time the movie is playing. She asked to meet on Tuesday instead and I said that is fine. I’m done, I did my part. Whatever happens, happens. And Sunday only brings more despair on the job front. It is hard to imagine that there aren’t any jobs out there but it is true. We live in such a small city and more employers are laying off, not hiring, so it is bleak out there. The only happiness I have in this world comes from the Chow. His unconditional love means the world to me. That is what mom gave me but on an even deeper (human) level. At times, the Chow helps to fill that void. If you find unconditional love, hold onto it dearly.

Charade you are

Saturday, October 11, 2008
Another nice day here as the temperature reached into the 80’s. Dad had to work until noon, then came home and cleaned off the driveway so we can finish patching it, and now he is helping cook at a fish fry fundraiser for the church. He didn’t get home from the fish fry until dark and is completely worn out so we’ll have to patch and seal the driveway tomorrow.

I completely finished my “Existentialism for Dummies” book today. I really enjoyed ready it and bought 2 new books online. I broke down and sent Angela a text this afternoon saying we should see Bill Maher’s movie and she said she is definitely up for it. If I’m venturing out, this has big accident written all over it. Erin called and said how frustrated she is at her job. Her supervisors keep telling them that everyone needs to communicate better but she says no one keeps her (child therapist) notified of things going on with the kids. She then had an appointment with her own therapist, Carmen, who agreed to write a letter to Erin’s apartment stating she needs to move to avoid stressful driving in the winder. Carmen hasn’t written the letter yet but Erin hopes to get it by Wednesday so she can give her 60 day notice to move out. On “The Dog Whisperer” Cesar tamed an aggressive French Bulldog.

Big man, pig man, ha ha, charade you are, You well heeled big wheel, ha ha, charade you are, And when your hand is on your heart, You're nearly a good laugh, Almost a joker, With your head down in the pig bin, Saying "keep on digging," Pig stain on your fat chin, What do you hope to find? When you're down in the pig mine, You're nearly a laugh, You're nearly a laugh, But you're really a cry.

Watched a show on National Geographic called “The Science of Death.” Does that make me a morbid person? Nah, as the existentialist stress, I’m embracing death! The show was interesting, it showed the processes that the body undergoes after death. They also showed how cremation chambers are made and what the actual process involves. There is enough carbon released from the body during cremation that a loved one can choose to have it collected and transformed into a diamond! During embalming, the bodily fluids and blood are sent down a regular drain to the regular sewage system. Finally, they showed the process of “plasticity” in which real bodies are preserved for the viewing of others. Think of the “Body Works” exhibition that is displayed at different museums. They actual showed many of the displays from the “Body Works” exhibition that I remember seeing in Chicago back in 2004 with mom and my sister. Death is the great equalizer.

Quote of the day comes from Mary: “My life hurts.” Her employer reduced her hours so she’s been trying to find a new job but isn’t having any luck. I’ve noticed that I have started worrying more about dad lately. Nothing overwhelming or all consuming but if he’s running late or not home when he should be, I’ll start to worry. Once you lose one parent, you realize how fragile life is.

Isolation

Friday, October 10, 2008
Spent most of the day following the financial crisis on TV. I really have nothing else to spend my time doing. Besides, it is like a train wreck, the conditions are so horrible that I can’t look away. Tonight, all four of the guests on “The McLaughlin Group,” who never agree on anything, agreed that we are headed for a long, deep recession. Then George Soros was on Bill Moyers’ show and said the U.S. is undergoing a fundamental change in which we will no longer be able to spend more than we produce like was have for the past 30 years. It seems like everyone in the media agrees that we should all bury our heads in the sand now.

The political news continues to be Obama’s increasing lead in the tracking polls. McCain can’t really debate the economy now since we are under a current Republican administration so his campaign has been focusing on Obama as a dangerous candidate, with a strange name, Barack “Hussein” Obama, from a foreign place, with ties to a former domestic terrorist named Bill Ayers. It probably won’t work but it is his only option.

Made the usual trek to Springfield with Gabby tonight. He was late due to a board meeting so I ate at home and just got coffee while he ate at Arby’s. The only other stop we made was at County Market for groceries. Watched an 48 Hours” episode called “Invitation to a murder” that investigated the 1995 double murder of Donnah Winger and Roger Harrington in Springfield, IL.

The good news (if you call it that) comes from Loren Coleman’s blog and his book “The Copycat Effect”: “Historical studies conducted by sociologist Steven Stack and others have discovered a noticeable dip in suicides and related violent events when there is society-wide anguish, for example, in times of massive immediate grieving in periods of wars and economic depressions.” So “it appears to be more urban myth than historical fact that the suicide rate is higher during financial recessions and economic depressions. Some of the best research studies on this subject have been conducted by sociologist Steven Stack, Department of Criminal Justice, Wayne State University, who found that during the periods, for example, after assassinations and during the Great Depression, the suicide rate was lower.” Loren adds, “It is a truism that it takes energy to kill oneself, and societally, this translates into actual chronic psychological (not fiscal) depression resulting in less self-inflicted deaths, through a stabilization of suicides or a real decrease.”

People say we got it made, Don't they know we're so afraid? Isolation. We're afraid to be alone, Everybody got to have a home, Isolation. Just a boy and a little girl, Trying to change the whole wide world, Isolation. The world is just a little town, Everybody trying to put us down, Isolation. I don't expect you to understand, After you've caused so much pain, But then again, you're not to blame, You're just a human, a victim of the insane.

As for myself, I don’t think I’m doing much better. I still feel completely detached from the world. Not like I am above the world or better than anyone else, more than I am outside the world, only an observer. I just don’t ever see things changing much. Each day brings darkness but the drudgery is even worse. But lately I haven’t been depressed and cowering in the corner, it is more just a feeling of resignation. Another day, another dollar.

Nevermind

Thursday, October 9, 2008
The house of cards called the American economy (you can include the world economy as well) continued to crash today. One year ago today, on 10/9/07, the Dow Jones hit an all-time high at 14,164, today it closed down 678 points at 8,579. I mentioned Ford earlier this week, well now GM, the largest American automaker, fell to $5.41, its lowest level since December 1950. How crazy is that? The common saying for many decades now has been “as GM goes, America goes.” Well, now that GM is worth as much today as it was 58 years ago, what does that say about America? Think about it, 1950, Truman was President, the Korean War was being waged, the Cold War was starting to heat up, no cell phones, no personal computers or the internet. Is that where we are again? Glad I’m not a loser out there looking for a job now! Oh wait, I am. Nevermind.

There is still 26 days until the election and anything can happen before then but, as a political science graduate, I will say I would be surprised if Barack Obama is not our next President.

I'm worse at what I do best, And for this gift I feel blessed, Our little group has always been, And always will until the end, hello,hello,hello how low? And I forget, Just why I taste, Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile, I found it hard, It was hard to find, Oh well, whatever, nevermind, hello,hello,hello how low?

This was just a full day of ups and downs. Knock on wood, I finally got rid of the final virus on the living room computer that had been haunting me for nearly a month! I spent so many hours working on it and I think I finally conquered it! I did meet Angela tonight and had a great time! She has lost every bit of 40 pounds and looked very pretty. We went to Bob Evans and stayed at her house for a while afterwards. She gave me the “You’re very cute but need to gain some weight” line that I’m so used to anymore. She is a chain smoker now and said it is due to stress. We still had the same connection that we always had in the past. Even though it was nearly a year ago that we last met, we picked up like that was just yesterday. She is doing very well and is quite successful. She has a new SUV (I’ve never owned a brand new car), a good career, friends, family, and she is out in the world on her own. We live in two different worlds. She said we need to get together again and to give her a call sometime. I definitely want to see her again. Yet, at the same time I feel exposed again. Whenever we venture out into the world we are exposed to the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Some people believe “nothing ventured means nothing gained” but it also means accepting that large risk. I don’t like taking risks.

After leaving Angela’s, I took the normal route home, which is the same route I used to take several nights a week from college. I relived those college years on my drive home. I was actually happy then, during those college years, truly happy. That period of my life seems so long ago – almost like it took place in another universe. Mom was around then and I felt there was meaning to life. What is scary is that period wasn’t a long time ago, it was only 3 years ago. But if I ran into myself from that period, I probably wouldn’t realize that I am the same person now. How did my whole world get turned upside down in these 3 short years? I’ll never get that back. That is why I am pessimistic about the future. There is nothing I can do bring the youth and innocence back. I can’t bring mom back. I can’t go back to college. I can’t get back to where I once belonged.

I Found My Friends

Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Woke up to a text message from Angela that she has a corneal abrasion and her eyes are red and swollen. So we won’t meet tonight as planned. Bummer. I hope she gets better soon. I was looking forward to seeing her. It is only Wednesday but it is apparent this will be another week in which I accomplish nothing. What a waste.

Dad and I cut away part of the fence next to the shed to Carl could paint there. I think Old Man Carl completely finished painting the house and shed today. Read the chapter in my book about Existential Psychology. The chapter detailed existential psychologists Rollo May, Carl Rogers, and Viktor Frankl. The Dow dropped again today even though the U.S. Federal Reserve gathered with the Banks of England, Europe and Asia to have an emergency 0.5% interest rate cut across the world. Things are bad out there.

I'm so happy, cause today, I found my friends, they're in my head, I'm so ugly, that's ok, cause so are you, we've broken our mirrors, Sunday morning, is everyday, for all I care and I'm not scared, light my candles, in a daze, cause I've found God.

Before bed, I decided to give Angela a call. We talked for nearly 2 hours. I always enjoy our conversations and we agreed to meet tomorrow night. I’m starting to have second thoughts about meeting up with her. I won’t back out or anything like that, I just feel like I’m opening myself up to pain again. Whenever I breakout and do social things it usually comes back to bite me. When I am alone, I am lonely and unhappy but at least I feel safer. When we meet, unbeknownst to her, her current career and personal success will just remind me about how little I have accomplished. It is easier to be alone and blissfully ignorant. When I’m social, I see other people accomplishing things I haven’t. Out there in the real world it is scary. It is very sad but I’m much safer and comfortable in my bedroom. My bedroom is my safe haven, my fantasy world but that is ok, everyone knows and likes me there.

Running on empty

Tuesday, October 7, 2008
It is rainy and gloomy outside. Listened to guest David Hagberg on “CoastToCoastAM” who discussed US-Russian relations and the true story behind “The Hunt for Red October.” The Dow fell 508 points today to close at 9,447. Basically, the American economy is going to Hell in a hand basket. It is almost universally agreed that the 4th quarter of this year will be even worse than the 3rd and will include increased unemployment. Ford Motor Company, the second-largest U.S. automaker after GM, tumbled 21 percent to $2.92, the lowest price since April 1983. Yes, Ford is worth as much today as it was 25 years ago and that is without even adjusting for inflation!

I went to my Psychiatrist appointment today and when I got within about 2 miles of his office, my Blazer just shut down, including the power steering. I was on a busy main street as well but luckily I (literally) coasted into a Napa Auto Parts store. It appeared that my battery was dead so I immediately called dad and he came Springfield to rescue me. We were both certain that I wasn’t out of gas but since my gas gauge has been acting up, we got 2 gallons of gas and filled it into the Blazer. Sure enough, the Blazer started right up! So that is the good news, there doesn’t appear to be any major problems. I need to get my gas gauge fixed soon since it still showed my tank as 3/4 full after dad only put 2 gallons in. Dad is going to have his friend in Virginia work on the Blazer next week. This is another time that I don’t know what I would have done if dad wasn’t there to help me. The simple answer is I probably would not be here either. I could not go to my Dr. appointment so I notified the Dr. and he called back later to reschedule for next week. I accomplished nothing today.

I’m so annoyed. I don’t even care about the 2nd Presidential debate that took place tonight. All I can say is as the economy goes down, Obama’s polling numbers continue to rise. I think he’s got an 80% chance of being our next President. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet Angela and I hope I don’t blow it.

Though they'll never fathom it, behind my sarcasm desperate memories lie, sweetheart, sweetheart are you fast, asleep? Good. 'Cause that's the only time that I can really speak to you, and there is something that I've locked away a memory that is too painful, to withstand the light of day.

Friedrich Nietzsche is just about the final Existential philosopher I will discuss in detail. I’m not a big fan of Nietzsche. I like to think this is because I disagree with several aspects of his philosophy but it is possible that I am just unnerved because I fall into his description of someone living a life of “slave morality.” Nietzsche said it is important to investigate who you are. I agree with that easily enough but he also says to be authentic individuals we should embrace and welcome change. While he is correct, change is constant both in life and on an individual level, I am horrible at dealing with change. In fact, I hate change. I hate when semesters end and all your classes change, I hate changing jobs, I hate taking a different route to work that I am not comfortable with. Nietzsche also introduced his “Doctrine of the Eternal Recurrence” which expresses the view that time is cyclical and that we will live every moment of our lives over and over an infinite number of times, each time exactly the same. For him, we should aim to live conscious of the fact that each moment will be repeated infinitely, and we should feel only supreme joy at the prospect. This doctrine seems very metaphysical and out of place to me. Next, I am not a “noble” person according to Nietzsche because my life is a psychological train wreck without purpose and direction. Also, to be noble, he said we should reject dogma and avoid the herd mentality (ie “Think for yourself” as Timothy Leary would say). A “noble” person’s life is filled with self-affirmation and self-love while a slave’s life is filled with frustration and pain and suffering. Finally, Nietzsche condemns Christianity as a vehicle for “slave morality” because it embraces the weak, the suffering, and espouses compassion for those than can’t help themselves. But is that a bad thing? I think compassion and helping others is a very noble quality to have and our ability to empathize with others is part of what makes us human. My mom was someone that was weak (health wise) and taking care of her was not only the noble thing to do, it was just about the only thing that gave meaning to my life. I’ll admit I’m also biased because I too am weak, mentally. Does that make me any less of a person than anyone else? I hope not. We should embrace compassion.

This won't hurt

Monday, October 6, 2008
I’m really starting to get discouraged now. The Dow Jones fell 369 points after being down as much as 800 points. This is the first time the dow has closed (9,955) below 10,000 in 4 years. The whole economy is at a standstill now. There just isn’t anyone hiring. I got a new bill from my therapist showing that the insurance payments are still pending. With no money coming in, it concerns me. I’m thinking about canceling my therapist appointment next week. If the therapy helps, which I am not sure if it does yet, then I need it to get better. But at the same time, I have no money coming in and that increases my anxiety. It is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. There isn’t a whole lot my therapist can do for me now anyway since I’m unemployed and my major concern is finding and keeping employment. I don’t know what I’ll do at this point.

Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” which had Neil Howe as the guest. Howe discussed his work on generations and how they affect American history. He said there are 4 generation types that repeat throughout our history and they repeat in the same order. The current generation, which will last until the late 2020’s, is the crisis generation. This generation involves change and instability. Went to Springfield with Gabby. We ate at Subway and got 2 more gallons of paint at Sears. Of course, Gabby had more trouble at Sears, they didn’t have 2 cans of the same tint of paint he had previously bought. He had to settled for a different tint but the salesman took $10 off. Gabby said he would never buy paint from Sears again since he’s had so much trouble with them over the last couple weeks. On “Big Bang Theory” Sheldon got Penny addicted to online video games. On “Two and a Half Men” Allen dated 2 women at the same time and Jake got drunk. Also, watched “Locked up abroad – Maylasia.” I’ve realized from watching Locked up abroad that I would much rather be shot and killed than kidnapped and held hostage. Of course I can’t say that with 100% certainty unless I was really faced with that situation. But I do know it would be a horrible situation for my family and myself. Besides, I rarely enjoy life now, as a free person, why would I want to live as a hostage?

Final note that Hunter S. Thompson left for his wife before his death: "No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax — This won't hurt."

Angela sent me a text asking about meeting Wednesday night so we made plans to hit Bob Evans. I can tell she is really excited to see me. This is about the only good thing I have going for me now. Yet, this is just the latest example of how the moon (darkness) always eclipses the sun (light) in life because while I’m very happy at this development, it is coming at a time when I’ve been feeling down and have little going for me. I can’t just enjoy our visit because I will have to hide my recent breakdown and current unemployment. That means I have to hide a big part of who I am now. I’m not saying I won’t tell her about it in the future, but when you haven’t seen someone for nearly a year, you don’t drop all this on him or her at once.

Let's go back to the start

Sunday, October 5, 2008
The dogs let me know that old man Carl was here at 9am this morning. Surely he will finish his painting today. Listened to a couple “CoastToCoastAM” shows. The first show had investment advisor Catherine Austin Fitts. She explained we've been draining value out of the real economy. She advised that the bailout bill that passed will just funnel investments into propping up the economic bubble because the plan will actually send money from Main St. to Wall Street, instead of the reverse. I agree with this and what concerns me is America is supposed to be the world’s economic power but we don’t make anything anymore. America’s wealth today comes from moving money around (the financial economy) but more and more of the real products we use in life, cars, clothes, etc, all are made in other countries. The 2nd C2C show had Richard Dooling as the guest. Dooling explained how Moore’s law suggests we will have computers with artificial intelligence that rivals the human brain by 2015. He also explained how the “Turing Test” can be used to determine if computers can actually think for themselves in the future.

Dad went to Springfield to get more paint and then worked on the farm. I exercised on the treadmill and went outside with the Chow. I applied to a business assistant position at a dental office but I doubt anything will come of it. While mailing my application at the post office, I ran into our church pastor, Reverend Mulhand. I was uncomfortable seeing him since I haven’t been to church since the candlelight service last Christmas Eve. Watched “Desperate Housewives” in which Lynette pretended to be a girl on the internet that was interested in her son and Bree’s new career gives her little time to spend with her husband.

Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are, I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart, Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Oh let's go back to the start, Runnin' in circles, Comin' up tails, Heads on the science apart, Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part, Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard, Oh take me back to the start.

Called Angela and she was helping her friend Christine move so she called back. We had a really good conversation and spoke for an hour and twenty minutes. It is easy to forget how “out of the loop” you are when you have a breakdown and withdraw from everyone around you. Angela said Brett was caught cheating on Katie several times so instead of setting a wedding date, they broke up. That was all news to me! I asked Angela if she would like to meet Tuesday but she said she has a therapy appointment that night. Yes, she is seeing a therapist! She felt a need to reassure me that she is not crazy (which she isn’t) and she has no idea of my most recent breakdown. Coincidentally, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Tuesday as well. I wanted to make sure we don’t have any of the same doctors and we don’t, she said her therapist’s name is Jo Ann. That is why I like her so much, we have a lot in common. Also, many more people than we would probably guess probably see therapists too. It’s like depression, no one talks about it publicly but when you mention it, you find out so many of your friends and relatives have suffered from it at one point or another. Anyway, Angela was telling me about a coworker she used to date but is completely over him now. That is fine with me, I don’t need a girlfriend, I just need a reliable friend that I can talk to in my life. She still seems really interested in me and said she’ll call back Tuesday to make some plans. I have high hopes but that is probably a bad thing. I know that the darkness will always overshadow the light in my life so I should be ready for an eventual letdown. I feel bad when I’m talking to her because I haven’t told her about my depression and that I’m unemployed now. I don’t want to lie to her but I’m just ashamed and not ready to disclose it yet.

It's a miracle

Saturday, October 4, 2008
Old man Carl was here again to paint. I think he’ll finish the house today. It is hilarious when he works in the backyard because the Chow won’t go within 15 feet of him. The Chow keeps about 15 feet between him and Carl at all times – enough distance that the Chow feels safe but close enough that he can keep an eye on Carl at the same time. O.J. Simpson was convicted on 12 counts of robbery and attempted kidnapping. Kimbo Slice was destroyed in 14 seconds in an MMA fight on CBS. The Cubs lost 3-1 as the Dodgers swept the NLDS. Dad and I were supposed to seal the blacktop today but he slept in late and then it took all afternoon to patch the holes in the driveway. We’ll have to seal another day.

Read chapter 10 on my book on Existentialism. I’m definitely not a fan of Soren Kierkegaard and it is not because he was one of the few existentialists to embrace religion. Kierkegaard stresses that God transcends the world and there for transcends ethics. He thinks we should perform a “suspension of the ethical” when God or our religion calls for it. This is really scary to me. This idea is what makes extremists in every religion very dangerous. Extremists are certain they are right, they are willing to die and kill for their beliefs and since they are supported by faith, what is considered ethical to most of us does not apply to them. This is one of the major problems facing the world today. Also, Kierkegaard thought we should avoid the aesthetic life. This is in direct contradiction to my belief in Epicureanism, which calls for seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

We've got a warehouse of butter, We've got oceans of wine, We've got famine when we need it, Got a designer crime, We've got Mercedes, We've got Porsche, Ferrari and Rolls Royce, We've got a choice, She said meet me in the Garden of Gethsemane my dear, The Lord said Peter I can see Your house from here, An honest man
Finally reaped what he had sown, And farmer in Ohio has just repaid a loan, It's a miracle, Another miracle, By the grace of God Almighty, And pressures of marketplace, The human race has civilized itself, It's a miracle.

I usually complain about the problems I have with life but when it comes to the world and society as a whole, I think Roger Waters expressed my feelings well. Roger laments that the world is governed by the booms and busts of economic cycles. Think about it, how we treat others doesn’t matter, neither does warfare, stress, or happiness, what matters is attaining and maintaining the good economic cycles. This is primarily how our Presidents are rated. People will say, “Well, I don’t care about anything else because he ran the economy well” or “He’s probably a nice guy but he ran the economy into the ground.” Economic conditions lead to an “ends justify the means” mentality. We’re willing to overlook most of the truly important things in life because the economic marketplace is the ultimate good for our society.

My different perspective on economic conditions and how they pertain to happiness was just another thing that alienated me from my former coworkers. All three of my previous jobs were with insurance corporations. The goal for the corporation and my coworkers was to always increase profit. Despite the likelihood that increasing profit meant working harder, longer hours, increased stress levels, perhaps laying off a few coworkers, none of that mattered to them because increased profit leads to raises, new cars, bigger houses and nice vacations. Happiness for me was just surviving the day and anything that reduced my daily stress level and kept my life simple. I am always an outsider.

Hapiness is fleeting

Friday, October 3, 2008
Old man Carl was back again today to paint. He asked if I was in college (meaning, why are you always home?) and I had to tell him I’m between jobs now. He’s a really nice guy though and mentioned how someone he talked to just found a job but it was because they new the owner of the company. Watched “Magic’s Biggest Secrets Revealed” which I had taped last night. They showed how to saw a man in half and how to walk through a steel wall. “The Dog Whisperer” covered a Dachshund that bites and an overprotective German Shepard.

Went to Springfield with Gabby. We got asphalt patch at Menards, his medicine at Wal-Mart and groceries at County Market. While we were at Wal-Mart, the guy that bought the Jeep from us called and said the car alarm on the Jeep was going off and he couldn’t get it to stop. Gabby explained that had never happened to us and we didn’t even know there was an alarm on the Jeep! He kind of worried about it all night because he didn’t want the guy to think he sold him a lemon. When we got home, Gabby called him and the guy said someone showed him how to turn the alarm off (put the key in the ignition and hit unlock twice) 5 minutes after he had called us. While at Burger King, Erin called to tell about a new patient her coworker (also a child psychologist) had assigned. The girl is probably 13 or 14 and she has a delusional disorder. She is convinced she is a reincarnation of a 500 year old religious cat. The girl provided all these details about the world 500 years ago. Erin said she is glad her coworker will be treating her.

The jobs report came out today saying employers slashed 159,000 jobs in September, the 9th straight month of job losses. The unemployment rate remained at 6.1%. The House of Representatives passed the $700 billion bailout plan 263-171 and the President signed it shortly later. Another thing in the bill is it will increase the amount of money that the FDIC insures for individual bank accounts from $100,000 to $250,000. Dad joked that this will protect both him and me. I laughed and said, “yeah, I can sleep better knowing if my bank collapses, my $250,000 in savings is protected.” I’m not saying it wasn’t a good provision to add to the bill but it is like a caller said on a tv show, neither he nor anyone he knows has over $100,000 in the bank. This is just something else that protects the wealthy.

I haven’t wrote much about Albert Camus because most of his philosophy is similar to Sartre’s (despite the fact that they had a public dispute over contemporary politics of the 1940’s and 50’s). Wikipedia provides a good summary of Camus. His aim was to emphasize the fact that happiness is fleeting and that the human condition is one of mortality. He did this not to be morbid, but to reflect a greater appreciation for life and happiness. We value our lives and existence so greatly, but at the same time we know we will eventually die, and ultimately our endeavors are meaningless. While we can live with a dualism (I can accept periods of unhappiness, because I know I will also experience happiness to come), we cannot live with the paradox (I think my life is of great importance, but I also think it is meaningless). Our life must have meaning for us to value it. If we accept that life has no meaning and therefore no value, should we kill ourselves?

For Camus, “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.” He rejects suicide since it is a confession that life is not worth living. He thinks life is worth living. For Camus, despite the fact that humans are subjects in an indifferent and absurd universe, in which meaning is challenged by the fact that we all die, meaning can be created, however provisionally and unstably, by our own decisions and interpretations.

Finally, I think Camus provides a great understanding into depression whether he knows it or not. Going back to his statement, we “can accept periods of unhappiness, [if we know we] will also experience happiness to come.” For the depressed, we don’t know if we will ever experience happiness again and this makes us question if life is worth living.
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I received the meme below to fill out from Jena.

The Rules: Answer the questions using only ONE word.

1. Where is your cell phone? Bedroom
2. Your significant other? non-existant
3. Your hair? dark
4. Your mother? expired
5. Your father? supporter
6. Your favorite thing? music
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your hobby? tv
12. Your fear? isolation
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? independent
14. What you’re not? confident
15. Muffins? rarely
16. One of your wish list items? books
17. Where you grew up? Illinois
18. The last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? shirt
20. Favorite gadget? ipod
21. Your pets? Chow
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? blah
24. Missing someone? mom
25. Your car? black
26. Something you’re not wearing? hat
27. Favorite store? bookstore
28. Like someone? sure
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? month

All apologies

Thursday, October 2, 2008
Old man Carl was back again today to paint the house. Received an email from my former coworker and friend Chris, in which he mentioned the VP debate tonight and attached several pictures of another co-worker named Abie. Needless to say, we were always fond of her. Boys will be boys. Watched a 5 minute “Banana Man” cartoon from the 1980’s on youtube because I’ll do anything that takes me back to my childhood – the period of my life when I was happy. There were 2 “My name is Earl” episodes tonight. Joy had a staph infection in her big toe and in the 2nd episode, Earl stole and blew up an RV. The Cubs lost game 2 in the playoffs tonight 10-3.

Tonight was the first and only VP debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Again, unless there is a major gaff, rarely does someone win and lose these debates. Biden performed up to his expectations and Governor Palin definitely exceeded the low expectations the media had set for her.

What else should I be? All apologies. I wish I was like you, Easily amused, Find my nest of salt, Everything is my fault, I’ll take all the blame, Aqua seafoam shame, Sunburn with freezerburn, Choking on the ashes of her enemy, All in all we all are.

I read more about Sartre today. One of his major themes was unlike trees, watches, and other objects, humans have “existence before essence.” For example, if you find a watch, you know the watch was created by a watchmaker for a specific purpose – to tell time. Thus, a watch has essence (a purpose) first, and then it is created (existence) for that purpose. Humans on the other hand, have no innate purpose. Life is meaningless and we were not created or designed for a specific purpose. This is what separates humans from all other things. So we exist first, and have to later create our own essence (purpose). This leads to his 2nd major theme, “man is condemned to be free.” So, the positive outlook for his philosophy is even though there is no specific purpose to our life, we can create our own meaning because we have freedom to make our own choices throughout our life. But, Sartre says this brings the burden of responsibility since we are responsible for the choices we make in our life. Sartre said we always have choices even if we feel like we do not. For example, if you don’t like your job, you can quit it. You may say you can’t quit because you have to pay your rent. Sartre says paying your rent is a choice, you could chose to be homeless. He goes on to say every morning when we wake up, we make a choice because we can live our life or we can commit suicide. This freedom of choice is the silver lining in a meaningless universe for Sartre. He is also known for his quote that “Hell is other people.” Finally, Sartre is known for his warning about the “Danger of the Other.” Following Hegal, Sartre believes consciousness is a social condition. We become aware of ourselves by the way we are perceived by others. The danger is we might feel objectified by others, such as feeling they only see us as a man, a Republican, a Jew, a carpenter, etc. and not a fully conscious being. This can cause us in return to objectify others ourselves. This social objectification, leads to many dangers, such as colonialism, racism, and sexism.

I believe Sartre is correct, that freedom of choice is one of the few silver linings we have in life. While life usually only offers bad choices, we still have the freedom to choose among those bad options. For me, choosing between several bad options is better than having no option at all. That is just about the only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope in my life.