If you didn't care what happened to me

Friday, September 26, 2008
Still kind of discouraged today. Fridays can be tough because it just seems I’ve completed another week of failure. At least I’m not overwhelmed. The boys forgot their mother’s birthday on “Malcolm in the Middle.” Went to Springfield with Gabby, go groceries and hit Walmart. Finally got a much needed Toaster at Target. Much needed because the staple of my diet is bread. Ate at Bob Evans, my favorite place, and I’m glad our regular waiter was not there. Last time I was there he didn’t even ask for my order, he just asked if I would have the regular meal. I don’t like to be the type of person that stands out in any situation but he obviously remembers me. I’m much more comfortable hiding in the shadows.

Tonight was the first Presidential debate despite earlier claims from McCain that he might not attend. Foreign policy was the main topic of the night but considerable time was given to the current economic crisis we are experiencing. Unless one candidate makes a huge mistake, which neither Obama or McCain did, I don’t know how anyone can say there is a winner and a loser in debates. It is human nature that whoever you tend to favor prior to the debate is who you will think performed better. Nothing has changed for me, I’m still leaning to Obama. My dad hates Obama.

If you didn't care what happened to me, And I didn't care for you, We would zig zag our way, through the boredom and pain, Occasionally glancing up through the rain, Wondering which of the buggers to blame, And watching for pigs on the wing.

I usually write about how the whole world is against me. While this is still true, I’m not completely naïve. I know many people in America and throughout the world have much worse problems than I face. This doesn’t make my worries and concerns any less real or substantial, but there is plenty of misery out there to go around. There are people in America and throughout the world that literally have nowhere to turn, no one to help them and they can’t even feed themselves or their families. These people would laugh at my problems. But this does not make me feel any better. It just keeps me grounded and reinforces many of my negative perspectives about our world.

For example, I wish our country wasn’t built and based on competition and competing interests. This exists in every country to some existent and is it does provide some benefits. But America is one of the most competitive countries and I wish we based our society more on cooperation than competition. There are worse places, Japan comes to mind, because competition in everything (school, jobs) is so fierce. But, Japan also has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. Can’t we recognize that often, we can accomplish much more together than we can alone? Everything shouldn’t be a zero sum game. Unfortunately we are taught about competition from a very early age. It is important to get better grades than your friends to you get into the best college, so you can get the best job, so you get buy the biggest house and drive the nicest car. Life is so competitive, and we are so busy and stressed, when we get a moment to breath, we often ask ourselves, “Where has all the time (or my life) gone?” After all, religious, non-religious, conservative, liberal, black, white, we’re all in this together. Finally, I understand the feelings of the few, ashes and diamonds, foe and friend, we were all equal in the end.

Sounds of silence

Thursday, September 25, 2008
Still no phone calls here. Only silence and darkness. At least the weather is still really nice. I know it will turn off much cooler soon. On “Malcolm in the Middle” they went to an amusement park and Dewey was left at home. Gabby came home from work, mowed the yard and went to a tractor club meeting. He has to be worn out. He said he received 2 calls yesterday about the Jeep he is selling and neither person, one was Berman Jr., came to take a test ride today despite saying they would stop by. Went out to feed the Chow and saw something black at the top of my shirt. I assumed it was a fly but as I focused, it was a big, black, nasty spider! I hate spiders! Spiders are just about the only creature that I fear. I’m not even scared of snakes. No creature should have 8 legs. The new season of shows started tonight. On “My name is Earl,” Seth Green guest starred as Earl helps him make a movie before dying. On the 2nd episode, Earl found out his mom cheated on his dad once. On “The Office,” one of the best shows on TV, the entire company participated in a weight loss competition.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again, Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping, And the vision that was planted in my brain, Still remains, Within the sound of silence, In restless dreams I walked alone, Narrow streets of cobblestone, 'Neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp, When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, That split the night, And touched the sound of silence.

Read through Jim Henson’s biography on wikipedia. I looked him up because I saw old footage of him in a new credit card commercial. I wasn’t a huge Muppets fan but I did watch them most Saturday mornings when I was growing up. I guess the Muppets hit their peak popularity in the 1980’s and since this is when I was a very young child, they did have an impact on my life. His death has a lot of similarities to mom’s. He was just about mom’s age – he died at 53 in 1990. But there are more similarities, he died of a bacterial infection that lead to septic shock and organ failure. Once this shock and organ failure set in they take their toll rapidly and are very hard to reverse. Many people do not recover. What really hurts is mom was conscious and in a lot of pain for 2-3 hours before losing consciousness and then, about 5 hours later, passing away. I know she had to be in a lot of pain because my mom was someone that did not complain about pain. She was always under a significant amount of pain due to her Rheumatoid Arthritis but she rarely complained. I was in the hospital room when she flat-lined and it was a strange feeling. All at once, I felt shock – is this really happening? Is this a dream? I’m also devastated because reality is setting in as well while at the same time there is some, albeit small, relief because she was in so much pain during the previous few hours.

If you had a magic pill, a single, tiny pill, that you knew if you took the pill, you would go to sleep painlessly and never wake up, what would you do? I’m referring to a pill that would cause no pain, no nausea, no sleep terrors, wouldn’t upset your stomach or cause heavy breathing, just simply pain free sleep. However, as soon as the pill is taken, there is no turning back. Would you take it? I would not take the pill today, tonight or tomorrow. I’ve never been a person to self-harm, other than extremely limiting my food intake, so I wouldn’t take it now. However, just knowing the painless option was there, that such a way out was available, would be a huge relief for me. I would keep it locked away somewhere that I would always know I had access to if I needed it. I do feel like I’ve used all three strikes against me now and the last 2 years have only been one steady decline to the bottom. I’m ok now, and I make a point to take very good care of myself now because I hope to have a healthy body and mind and use it for a long time. But I’ve always felt like I’m only 1 breakdown away from taking that pill. This is especially true since I feel I’ve used 3 strikes now. Specifically, what would likely trigger such a breakdown would be losing my dad, or stress related to work. As for now, I just try to live day to day and enjoy every small victory I have. There is always a possibility that things will all work out in the end. I could always look back years from now and think, “wow, I had a rough patch there but I’m doing to much better now and I wouldn’t change a thing. After all, the past is what made me who I am today.” Yeah, it is possible, but so is winning the lottery jackpot with only 1 ticket.

Stress Stinks

Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Actually found “A Haunting” episode on today that I had not seen so Gabby and I watched it over his lunch. Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” which had Neuropsychiatrist Dr. Peter Fenwick, author of “The Art of Dying,” as the guest for 3 hours. Dr. Fenwick believes near-death experiences are real and they give us insight into the afterlife. He gave accounts of deceased relatives that watch over their living family members. It was a good show but I remain very skeptical. I think near-death experiences can be explained through natural biological responses to the onset of death. This would include oxygen deprivation during death and also the fact that the body releases chemicals (such as DMT) at this time that cause hallucinations.

Later, I walked on the treadmill and went outside with the Chow. Dad went to get a haircut and eat dinner out and he asked me to go with him. I told him I just didn’t feel like getting out tonight and that I’m still not real comfortable out in public. “MonsterQuest” was about the search for Giant Bears – none were found. “Man vs Wild” took place in the Mexican desert. Bear (the host) drank his own urine for fluid and caught, killed, skinned and ate both a skunk and a rattlesnake.

The economic collapse continued today. Congress can’t agree on an economic bailout plan for Wall Street. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson came up with a plan but it has mostly been rejected because it bails out big companies that made bad loans that caused this crisis while doing nothing for homeowners facing foreclosure. People are also tired of the CEO’s of these companies getting millions of dollars in retirement packages after they run their company to the ground. I would agree that both issues need to be addressed. Both Obama and McCain have suspended their Presidential campaigns to focus on the economic crisis. McCain even wants to cancel the 1st debate scheduled for Friday. President Bush addressed the American people tonight with a primetime speech about how important a government bailout is for the nation’s economy.

There was a fascinating show on PBS tonight about how stress affects the body. The show followed scientists that collected and studied blood samples from baboons and monkeys – both primates that establish a social hierarchy (like humans). What they found was a bit chilling, the monkeys and baboons higher up in the hierarchy had much less stress, and as a result, a lower rate of heart disease and lower blood pressure. Also, it is known the stress decreases the body’s autoimmune system’s ability to fight disease and sickness. Then scientists compared the results to the British Civil Service, which is a strict hierarchy and found the same results. The lower the worker was on the civil service hierarchy, the more days of work they missed due to sickness. Stress decreases one’s life expectancy. It makes perfect sense. Stress is horrible and panic attacks, depression and anxiety can make you actually feel like you are dying at times. This is why I think happiness is seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. My hope in life isn’t to make a lot of money or be way up high on the social ladder, I just want a life with a minimal amount of stress. Unfortunately, life doesn’t usually cooperate with our desires.

Goodbye Stranger

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sunny and 80 degrees here. The housekeeper (“Road Dog” as I call her) came today. I left around noon for my appointment with the counselor. Again, I want to mention that on a personal level I really like my counselor, I’m just concerned it won’t be as successful with me as it is from some others. For the first half hour I watched the clock and thought how this is a waste of my time and money. During the second half hour we discussed coping skills and what to do when you feel a panic attack coming on. There was nothing life altering here and really nothing that I couldn’t find on the internet or a book for free but she did discuss some good ideas. She commented that my light blue shirt looks really good on me and that is my perfect color. She also said I should take up the guitar because “she can really see me playing it.” Apparently I fit the guitar-playing stereotype? She should have seen me when my hair was a lot longer. Also, she advised that exercising is a great way to deal with anxiety, also reading something stimulating, keeping a stress ball around and having someone to talk to. She asked if I ever try talking to mom (even though she is no longer here) since she used to be my confident. I said I don’t, because I know she can’t hear or help me now. However, I do sometimes think about what advice she might have given if she were here. Also told the counselor that I’m concerned that I won’t ever be able to financially support myself for a long period of time without having a breakdown.

Goodbye stranger its been nice, Hope you find your paradise, Tried to see your point of view, Hope your dreams will all come true, Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane, Will we ever meet again, Feel no sorrow, feel no shame, Come tomorrow, feel no pain.

The republicans say Joe Biden keeps putting his foot in his mouth (which is true) and they think Obama will replace him and pick a new VP candidate soon. Clay Aiken came out today to People magazine and Lindsey Lohan admitted she is dating her female friend. Neither admission is a surprise.

Dad got 2 hunting knives from Jim in the mail and I think he really likes them. It is so nice of Jim to just randomly send gifts over. Dad said Rich and Shirley came by tonight on their bikes and Rich said he thinks I will get a call from Bunn and there is a job I might be interested in there. We’ll see. I hope it isn’t another let down. I can’t handle something like my previous jobs in insurance.

Watched Bill O’Reilly tonight since the woman from “hotforwords.com” was one of his guests. She alone makes the show worth watching! Also caught a show on discovery about “Ancient Killing Machines” which were basically gruesome torture devices, such as the burning bull and the crucifixion. It is impossible to understand why people are so mean to each other.

Read chapter 4 of my book on Existentialism which, oddly enough, was about existential anxiety. The book describes how this anxiety makes “the everyday world of your routine seem insignificant and meaningless.” Yes! That is exactly how I feel. Also, it is explained has existentialism anxiety makes one feel alienated and causes one to realize the whole way the world is structured and how others understand the world in a meaningful sense really has no foundation. The upside (if you would call it that) is the anxiety reveals that the world is nothing and we are nothing but, this nothingness gives us the freedom to give our lives meaning however we choose. Existentialism reached the height of its popularity in the 1940’s and 1950’s. I’m surprised there aren’t more existential philosophers in the modern period.

The sky is falling

Monday, September 22, 2008

I would like to thank Jena from Every Moment Matters for the Brilliant Weblog Award! I appreciate your recognition!

Spent part of the day watching the doom and gloom of the economy on tv. Oil spiked more than $25 today to $130 barrel but settled at $120 a barrel, up $15. Now crude oil has jumped nearly $40 a barrel in just the last 4 days. The dow jones dropped 372 points to close at 11,015.

I did feel a bit better today compared to yesterday. Watched “Verminators” on the discovery channel. Enjoyed my 100% Columbia coffee and went outside with the Chow. Gabby took the day off to work on the farm and then him, Willis and I installed the remaining garage door. This time it “only” took us 3 hours to install the left door, compared to the 5 hours it took to install the right door. I guess we learned from our mistakes. Again, our job was to mostly watch Willis work and help him find the tools he needed. “Two and a Half Men” was great tonight. Charlie ran into a women he used to date 9 years ago and she had an 8 year old son that looked and acted just like Charlie with her. It is later revealed that the woman is only the babysitter, the boy is not hers so Charlie is not the dad. Oh, and Jake flooded the toilet! On “Big Bang Theory” Penny confided to Shelton that she doesn’t feel smart enough to date Leonard. I’ve been using baking soda to whiten my teeth and decided to make a paste with hydrogen peroxide. It worked really well but it burned.

Mama put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them any more, That cold black cloud is comin' down, Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Tomorrow the housekeeper is coming and I have an appointment with the psychologist. I don’t have anything against my counselor, I actually like her a lot, but I still don’t think it helps much. I’m just not sure how well therapy will work overall and especially now since there isn’t as much to discuss because I don’t have a job. Therapy works wonders for some people but I’m just skeptical that it will help me. I can’t change how I think. How I think is who I am. Also, I just know what the future holds. In a single word, that would be “misery.” Medicine and therapy can’t change that I am a pessimistic person, that I’m lonely, it won’t bring mom back, it won’t change the fact that I’ll lose my dad someday too, and that my future probably holds 45 years of working a job a hate. Is that being pessimistic? Perhaps but it is also being a realist. It is a lot like what Robert E. Howard said, I kind of view life as just drudgery. Could all that change if I made that successful human contact that is still lacking? It is possible but there is more than that to who I am and how I live.

The worms set into his brain

Sunday, September 21, 2008
I watched the Bears lose to Tampa Bay and went outside a couple times with the Chow. Gabby spent most of the day working and mowing on the farm. Watched two episodes of “48 hours” about an online marriage that failed and 2 woman that were kidnapped but survived. Read more of my “Existentialism” book. Read the wikipedia biographies of Van Gogh and Virginia Woolf. Woolf lost both her parents and her half-sister by the time she was 22 and was sexually abused by her half-brothers. Van Gogh’s tale is equally tragic. During the final years of his life he had little money and lived off bread, coffee and tobacco. That sounds like me, excluding the tobacco. I find it comforting to read about brilliant people that battled mental illness.

It has been a bad day and I’m not even sure why. I woke up this morning and today was no different than any other day but by early afternoon I started spiraling down. The worms set into my brain. It was sunny and beautiful outside but instead of enjoying the weather I couldn’t turn my focus from the approaching darkness. Like I know there will be fewer and fewer of these days since this is the last day of summer. I dread the thought of winter, cold temperatures, snow and ice packed roads, long nights. I checked the paper for employment listings and there was basically nothing, other than nursing positions. Then I had to make out a $435 check for my October Cobra health insurance. Let me tell you, $435 is a lot of money when you are unemployed! The worst part is just knowing things won’t get any better. Sure, I might have a good day here and there, maybe even a good week or month, but long term, this is who I am. I wish there was a magic pill that took away all the pain but there isn’t. If everyday is a fight, don’t we need a something to fight for? What if you don’t have anything to fight for?

But it was only fantasy, The wall was too high, as you can see, No matter how he tried he could not break free, And the worms ate into his brain. Hey you, Out there on the road, Always doing what you're told, Can you help me? Hey you, Out there beyond the wall, Breaking bottles in the hall, Can you help me? Hey you, Don't tell me there's no hope at all. Together we stand, divided we fall.

Garth Brooks has that song “The Dance” in which he sings he could have missed all the pain in life but he would also have missed life itself, including all the good times. So for Garth, “The Dance” is good because the positive things about life overpower the negative things in life. I look at life just the opposite way. If I missed “The Dance” I would miss a lot of good things, good people and good times but they are all overshadowed by the anti-life forces out there. If the negative outweighs the good, it is worth giving up all the good times because you don’t have to go through the bad times.

A million tear-stained eyes

Saturday, September 20, 2008
Interesting day. We worked on putting up the new garage doors from 9am-2pm. We ended up only getting one garage door up by the time we quit. Thankfully, Butch, Keeney and Willis came over to help. Dad and I helped the entire time, which means we stood around and watched mostly, fetching tools here and there. The old door had 1 roller and the new door had 2 and dad had previously looked up that the old, single roller, would not be compatible with the new door. However, our neighbor convinced him otherwise so we tried the shortcut and used the roller already hooked up. Of course it failed miserably. We had to install the 2 new rollers and it took 5 hours. Also, we still have the other door left to install.

Afterwards, I laid down to rest for a few minutes and surprisingly slept for 2 hours. I’ve been having trouble getting 7-8 hours of good sleep again. I usually fall asleep quickly when I lay down but wake up in 4 or 5 hours and have trouble getting back to sleep. The doctor has me on Trazadone, which I take before bed. Tonight, I’m going to try taking it when I wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep and can’t get back to sleep. I hope this helps.

The Cubs clinched a playoff birth today so I’m sure all their fans are thrilled. Now they have made the playoffs for 2 consecutive years. Can’t we all assume they will blow it this year, like always?

Watched “Locked up Abroad - Mexico” and then “48 hours” about an Arkansas beauty queen found murdered. Her boyfriend was suspected but acquitted. Amber messaged me a couple times today. She sends a message like she wants to talk and then hardly says anything. What is up with that?

When you try your best, but you don't succeed, When you get what you want, but not what you need, When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, Stuck in reverse, And the tears come streaming down your face, When you lose something you can't replace, When you love someone but it goes to waste, Could it be worse?

I read chapter 3 of my book on “Existentialism” and realized I’m stuck in a stage of nihilism. Nihilism is the state of belief in nothing. The book states that when something traumatic happens, such as losing someone close to you (for me, that would be mom), you face a crisis in which you need to rise to the occasion but the danger always exists that “you’ll break….[and] fall into hopeless despair.” Powerful words. I had that traumatic event and not only did I not rise to the occasion, I had a complete breakdown. As I mentioned previously, the breakdown was not immediate since I fooled myself into feeling ok for about a month, but the truth reared its ugly head and has never left. The 2 problems I have are that I haven’t got past this stage and perhaps worse, I don’t necessarily want to either. Existentialism’s ultimate goal is to find a way out of nihilism and provide meaning in this world. Since I’m so touched by existentialism and still relatively new to this form of philosophy, it is possible that as I study it I will gain a whole new perspective on the world. Possible, but I won’t hold my breath.