The worms set into his brain

Sunday, September 21, 2008
I watched the Bears lose to Tampa Bay and went outside a couple times with the Chow. Gabby spent most of the day working and mowing on the farm. Watched two episodes of “48 hours” about an online marriage that failed and 2 woman that were kidnapped but survived. Read more of my “Existentialism” book. Read the wikipedia biographies of Van Gogh and Virginia Woolf. Woolf lost both her parents and her half-sister by the time she was 22 and was sexually abused by her half-brothers. Van Gogh’s tale is equally tragic. During the final years of his life he had little money and lived off bread, coffee and tobacco. That sounds like me, excluding the tobacco. I find it comforting to read about brilliant people that battled mental illness.

It has been a bad day and I’m not even sure why. I woke up this morning and today was no different than any other day but by early afternoon I started spiraling down. The worms set into my brain. It was sunny and beautiful outside but instead of enjoying the weather I couldn’t turn my focus from the approaching darkness. Like I know there will be fewer and fewer of these days since this is the last day of summer. I dread the thought of winter, cold temperatures, snow and ice packed roads, long nights. I checked the paper for employment listings and there was basically nothing, other than nursing positions. Then I had to make out a $435 check for my October Cobra health insurance. Let me tell you, $435 is a lot of money when you are unemployed! The worst part is just knowing things won’t get any better. Sure, I might have a good day here and there, maybe even a good week or month, but long term, this is who I am. I wish there was a magic pill that took away all the pain but there isn’t. If everyday is a fight, don’t we need a something to fight for? What if you don’t have anything to fight for?

But it was only fantasy, The wall was too high, as you can see, No matter how he tried he could not break free, And the worms ate into his brain. Hey you, Out there on the road, Always doing what you're told, Can you help me? Hey you, Out there beyond the wall, Breaking bottles in the hall, Can you help me? Hey you, Don't tell me there's no hope at all. Together we stand, divided we fall.

Garth Brooks has that song “The Dance” in which he sings he could have missed all the pain in life but he would also have missed life itself, including all the good times. So for Garth, “The Dance” is good because the positive things about life overpower the negative things in life. I look at life just the opposite way. If I missed “The Dance” I would miss a lot of good things, good people and good times but they are all overshadowed by the anti-life forces out there. If the negative outweighs the good, it is worth giving up all the good times because you don’t have to go through the bad times.