Isolation

Friday, October 10, 2008
Spent most of the day following the financial crisis on TV. I really have nothing else to spend my time doing. Besides, it is like a train wreck, the conditions are so horrible that I can’t look away. Tonight, all four of the guests on “The McLaughlin Group,” who never agree on anything, agreed that we are headed for a long, deep recession. Then George Soros was on Bill Moyers’ show and said the U.S. is undergoing a fundamental change in which we will no longer be able to spend more than we produce like was have for the past 30 years. It seems like everyone in the media agrees that we should all bury our heads in the sand now.

The political news continues to be Obama’s increasing lead in the tracking polls. McCain can’t really debate the economy now since we are under a current Republican administration so his campaign has been focusing on Obama as a dangerous candidate, with a strange name, Barack “Hussein” Obama, from a foreign place, with ties to a former domestic terrorist named Bill Ayers. It probably won’t work but it is his only option.

Made the usual trek to Springfield with Gabby tonight. He was late due to a board meeting so I ate at home and just got coffee while he ate at Arby’s. The only other stop we made was at County Market for groceries. Watched an 48 Hours” episode called “Invitation to a murder” that investigated the 1995 double murder of Donnah Winger and Roger Harrington in Springfield, IL.

The good news (if you call it that) comes from Loren Coleman’s blog and his book “The Copycat Effect”: “Historical studies conducted by sociologist Steven Stack and others have discovered a noticeable dip in suicides and related violent events when there is society-wide anguish, for example, in times of massive immediate grieving in periods of wars and economic depressions.” So “it appears to be more urban myth than historical fact that the suicide rate is higher during financial recessions and economic depressions. Some of the best research studies on this subject have been conducted by sociologist Steven Stack, Department of Criminal Justice, Wayne State University, who found that during the periods, for example, after assassinations and during the Great Depression, the suicide rate was lower.” Loren adds, “It is a truism that it takes energy to kill oneself, and societally, this translates into actual chronic psychological (not fiscal) depression resulting in less self-inflicted deaths, through a stabilization of suicides or a real decrease.”

People say we got it made, Don't they know we're so afraid? Isolation. We're afraid to be alone, Everybody got to have a home, Isolation. Just a boy and a little girl, Trying to change the whole wide world, Isolation. The world is just a little town, Everybody trying to put us down, Isolation. I don't expect you to understand, After you've caused so much pain, But then again, you're not to blame, You're just a human, a victim of the insane.

As for myself, I don’t think I’m doing much better. I still feel completely detached from the world. Not like I am above the world or better than anyone else, more than I am outside the world, only an observer. I just don’t ever see things changing much. Each day brings darkness but the drudgery is even worse. But lately I haven’t been depressed and cowering in the corner, it is more just a feeling of resignation. Another day, another dollar.

Nevermind

Thursday, October 9, 2008
The house of cards called the American economy (you can include the world economy as well) continued to crash today. One year ago today, on 10/9/07, the Dow Jones hit an all-time high at 14,164, today it closed down 678 points at 8,579. I mentioned Ford earlier this week, well now GM, the largest American automaker, fell to $5.41, its lowest level since December 1950. How crazy is that? The common saying for many decades now has been “as GM goes, America goes.” Well, now that GM is worth as much today as it was 58 years ago, what does that say about America? Think about it, 1950, Truman was President, the Korean War was being waged, the Cold War was starting to heat up, no cell phones, no personal computers or the internet. Is that where we are again? Glad I’m not a loser out there looking for a job now! Oh wait, I am. Nevermind.

There is still 26 days until the election and anything can happen before then but, as a political science graduate, I will say I would be surprised if Barack Obama is not our next President.

I'm worse at what I do best, And for this gift I feel blessed, Our little group has always been, And always will until the end, hello,hello,hello how low? And I forget, Just why I taste, Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile, I found it hard, It was hard to find, Oh well, whatever, nevermind, hello,hello,hello how low?

This was just a full day of ups and downs. Knock on wood, I finally got rid of the final virus on the living room computer that had been haunting me for nearly a month! I spent so many hours working on it and I think I finally conquered it! I did meet Angela tonight and had a great time! She has lost every bit of 40 pounds and looked very pretty. We went to Bob Evans and stayed at her house for a while afterwards. She gave me the “You’re very cute but need to gain some weight” line that I’m so used to anymore. She is a chain smoker now and said it is due to stress. We still had the same connection that we always had in the past. Even though it was nearly a year ago that we last met, we picked up like that was just yesterday. She is doing very well and is quite successful. She has a new SUV (I’ve never owned a brand new car), a good career, friends, family, and she is out in the world on her own. We live in two different worlds. She said we need to get together again and to give her a call sometime. I definitely want to see her again. Yet, at the same time I feel exposed again. Whenever we venture out into the world we are exposed to the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Some people believe “nothing ventured means nothing gained” but it also means accepting that large risk. I don’t like taking risks.

After leaving Angela’s, I took the normal route home, which is the same route I used to take several nights a week from college. I relived those college years on my drive home. I was actually happy then, during those college years, truly happy. That period of my life seems so long ago – almost like it took place in another universe. Mom was around then and I felt there was meaning to life. What is scary is that period wasn’t a long time ago, it was only 3 years ago. But if I ran into myself from that period, I probably wouldn’t realize that I am the same person now. How did my whole world get turned upside down in these 3 short years? I’ll never get that back. That is why I am pessimistic about the future. There is nothing I can do bring the youth and innocence back. I can’t bring mom back. I can’t go back to college. I can’t get back to where I once belonged.

I Found My Friends

Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Woke up to a text message from Angela that she has a corneal abrasion and her eyes are red and swollen. So we won’t meet tonight as planned. Bummer. I hope she gets better soon. I was looking forward to seeing her. It is only Wednesday but it is apparent this will be another week in which I accomplish nothing. What a waste.

Dad and I cut away part of the fence next to the shed to Carl could paint there. I think Old Man Carl completely finished painting the house and shed today. Read the chapter in my book about Existential Psychology. The chapter detailed existential psychologists Rollo May, Carl Rogers, and Viktor Frankl. The Dow dropped again today even though the U.S. Federal Reserve gathered with the Banks of England, Europe and Asia to have an emergency 0.5% interest rate cut across the world. Things are bad out there.

I'm so happy, cause today, I found my friends, they're in my head, I'm so ugly, that's ok, cause so are you, we've broken our mirrors, Sunday morning, is everyday, for all I care and I'm not scared, light my candles, in a daze, cause I've found God.

Before bed, I decided to give Angela a call. We talked for nearly 2 hours. I always enjoy our conversations and we agreed to meet tomorrow night. I’m starting to have second thoughts about meeting up with her. I won’t back out or anything like that, I just feel like I’m opening myself up to pain again. Whenever I breakout and do social things it usually comes back to bite me. When I am alone, I am lonely and unhappy but at least I feel safer. When we meet, unbeknownst to her, her current career and personal success will just remind me about how little I have accomplished. It is easier to be alone and blissfully ignorant. When I’m social, I see other people accomplishing things I haven’t. Out there in the real world it is scary. It is very sad but I’m much safer and comfortable in my bedroom. My bedroom is my safe haven, my fantasy world but that is ok, everyone knows and likes me there.

Running on empty

Tuesday, October 7, 2008
It is rainy and gloomy outside. Listened to guest David Hagberg on “CoastToCoastAM” who discussed US-Russian relations and the true story behind “The Hunt for Red October.” The Dow fell 508 points today to close at 9,447. Basically, the American economy is going to Hell in a hand basket. It is almost universally agreed that the 4th quarter of this year will be even worse than the 3rd and will include increased unemployment. Ford Motor Company, the second-largest U.S. automaker after GM, tumbled 21 percent to $2.92, the lowest price since April 1983. Yes, Ford is worth as much today as it was 25 years ago and that is without even adjusting for inflation!

I went to my Psychiatrist appointment today and when I got within about 2 miles of his office, my Blazer just shut down, including the power steering. I was on a busy main street as well but luckily I (literally) coasted into a Napa Auto Parts store. It appeared that my battery was dead so I immediately called dad and he came Springfield to rescue me. We were both certain that I wasn’t out of gas but since my gas gauge has been acting up, we got 2 gallons of gas and filled it into the Blazer. Sure enough, the Blazer started right up! So that is the good news, there doesn’t appear to be any major problems. I need to get my gas gauge fixed soon since it still showed my tank as 3/4 full after dad only put 2 gallons in. Dad is going to have his friend in Virginia work on the Blazer next week. This is another time that I don’t know what I would have done if dad wasn’t there to help me. The simple answer is I probably would not be here either. I could not go to my Dr. appointment so I notified the Dr. and he called back later to reschedule for next week. I accomplished nothing today.

I’m so annoyed. I don’t even care about the 2nd Presidential debate that took place tonight. All I can say is as the economy goes down, Obama’s polling numbers continue to rise. I think he’s got an 80% chance of being our next President. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet Angela and I hope I don’t blow it.

Though they'll never fathom it, behind my sarcasm desperate memories lie, sweetheart, sweetheart are you fast, asleep? Good. 'Cause that's the only time that I can really speak to you, and there is something that I've locked away a memory that is too painful, to withstand the light of day.

Friedrich Nietzsche is just about the final Existential philosopher I will discuss in detail. I’m not a big fan of Nietzsche. I like to think this is because I disagree with several aspects of his philosophy but it is possible that I am just unnerved because I fall into his description of someone living a life of “slave morality.” Nietzsche said it is important to investigate who you are. I agree with that easily enough but he also says to be authentic individuals we should embrace and welcome change. While he is correct, change is constant both in life and on an individual level, I am horrible at dealing with change. In fact, I hate change. I hate when semesters end and all your classes change, I hate changing jobs, I hate taking a different route to work that I am not comfortable with. Nietzsche also introduced his “Doctrine of the Eternal Recurrence” which expresses the view that time is cyclical and that we will live every moment of our lives over and over an infinite number of times, each time exactly the same. For him, we should aim to live conscious of the fact that each moment will be repeated infinitely, and we should feel only supreme joy at the prospect. This doctrine seems very metaphysical and out of place to me. Next, I am not a “noble” person according to Nietzsche because my life is a psychological train wreck without purpose and direction. Also, to be noble, he said we should reject dogma and avoid the herd mentality (ie “Think for yourself” as Timothy Leary would say). A “noble” person’s life is filled with self-affirmation and self-love while a slave’s life is filled with frustration and pain and suffering. Finally, Nietzsche condemns Christianity as a vehicle for “slave morality” because it embraces the weak, the suffering, and espouses compassion for those than can’t help themselves. But is that a bad thing? I think compassion and helping others is a very noble quality to have and our ability to empathize with others is part of what makes us human. My mom was someone that was weak (health wise) and taking care of her was not only the noble thing to do, it was just about the only thing that gave meaning to my life. I’ll admit I’m also biased because I too am weak, mentally. Does that make me any less of a person than anyone else? I hope not. We should embrace compassion.

This won't hurt

Monday, October 6, 2008
I’m really starting to get discouraged now. The Dow Jones fell 369 points after being down as much as 800 points. This is the first time the dow has closed (9,955) below 10,000 in 4 years. The whole economy is at a standstill now. There just isn’t anyone hiring. I got a new bill from my therapist showing that the insurance payments are still pending. With no money coming in, it concerns me. I’m thinking about canceling my therapist appointment next week. If the therapy helps, which I am not sure if it does yet, then I need it to get better. But at the same time, I have no money coming in and that increases my anxiety. It is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. There isn’t a whole lot my therapist can do for me now anyway since I’m unemployed and my major concern is finding and keeping employment. I don’t know what I’ll do at this point.

Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” which had Neil Howe as the guest. Howe discussed his work on generations and how they affect American history. He said there are 4 generation types that repeat throughout our history and they repeat in the same order. The current generation, which will last until the late 2020’s, is the crisis generation. This generation involves change and instability. Went to Springfield with Gabby. We ate at Subway and got 2 more gallons of paint at Sears. Of course, Gabby had more trouble at Sears, they didn’t have 2 cans of the same tint of paint he had previously bought. He had to settled for a different tint but the salesman took $10 off. Gabby said he would never buy paint from Sears again since he’s had so much trouble with them over the last couple weeks. On “Big Bang Theory” Sheldon got Penny addicted to online video games. On “Two and a Half Men” Allen dated 2 women at the same time and Jake got drunk. Also, watched “Locked up abroad – Maylasia.” I’ve realized from watching Locked up abroad that I would much rather be shot and killed than kidnapped and held hostage. Of course I can’t say that with 100% certainty unless I was really faced with that situation. But I do know it would be a horrible situation for my family and myself. Besides, I rarely enjoy life now, as a free person, why would I want to live as a hostage?

Final note that Hunter S. Thompson left for his wife before his death: "No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax — This won't hurt."

Angela sent me a text asking about meeting Wednesday night so we made plans to hit Bob Evans. I can tell she is really excited to see me. This is about the only good thing I have going for me now. Yet, this is just the latest example of how the moon (darkness) always eclipses the sun (light) in life because while I’m very happy at this development, it is coming at a time when I’ve been feeling down and have little going for me. I can’t just enjoy our visit because I will have to hide my recent breakdown and current unemployment. That means I have to hide a big part of who I am now. I’m not saying I won’t tell her about it in the future, but when you haven’t seen someone for nearly a year, you don’t drop all this on him or her at once.

Let's go back to the start

Sunday, October 5, 2008
The dogs let me know that old man Carl was here at 9am this morning. Surely he will finish his painting today. Listened to a couple “CoastToCoastAM” shows. The first show had investment advisor Catherine Austin Fitts. She explained we've been draining value out of the real economy. She advised that the bailout bill that passed will just funnel investments into propping up the economic bubble because the plan will actually send money from Main St. to Wall Street, instead of the reverse. I agree with this and what concerns me is America is supposed to be the world’s economic power but we don’t make anything anymore. America’s wealth today comes from moving money around (the financial economy) but more and more of the real products we use in life, cars, clothes, etc, all are made in other countries. The 2nd C2C show had Richard Dooling as the guest. Dooling explained how Moore’s law suggests we will have computers with artificial intelligence that rivals the human brain by 2015. He also explained how the “Turing Test” can be used to determine if computers can actually think for themselves in the future.

Dad went to Springfield to get more paint and then worked on the farm. I exercised on the treadmill and went outside with the Chow. I applied to a business assistant position at a dental office but I doubt anything will come of it. While mailing my application at the post office, I ran into our church pastor, Reverend Mulhand. I was uncomfortable seeing him since I haven’t been to church since the candlelight service last Christmas Eve. Watched “Desperate Housewives” in which Lynette pretended to be a girl on the internet that was interested in her son and Bree’s new career gives her little time to spend with her husband.

Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are, I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart, Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Oh let's go back to the start, Runnin' in circles, Comin' up tails, Heads on the science apart, Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part, Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard, Oh take me back to the start.

Called Angela and she was helping her friend Christine move so she called back. We had a really good conversation and spoke for an hour and twenty minutes. It is easy to forget how “out of the loop” you are when you have a breakdown and withdraw from everyone around you. Angela said Brett was caught cheating on Katie several times so instead of setting a wedding date, they broke up. That was all news to me! I asked Angela if she would like to meet Tuesday but she said she has a therapy appointment that night. Yes, she is seeing a therapist! She felt a need to reassure me that she is not crazy (which she isn’t) and she has no idea of my most recent breakdown. Coincidentally, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Tuesday as well. I wanted to make sure we don’t have any of the same doctors and we don’t, she said her therapist’s name is Jo Ann. That is why I like her so much, we have a lot in common. Also, many more people than we would probably guess probably see therapists too. It’s like depression, no one talks about it publicly but when you mention it, you find out so many of your friends and relatives have suffered from it at one point or another. Anyway, Angela was telling me about a coworker she used to date but is completely over him now. That is fine with me, I don’t need a girlfriend, I just need a reliable friend that I can talk to in my life. She still seems really interested in me and said she’ll call back Tuesday to make some plans. I have high hopes but that is probably a bad thing. I know that the darkness will always overshadow the light in my life so I should be ready for an eventual letdown. I feel bad when I’m talking to her because I haven’t told her about my depression and that I’m unemployed now. I don’t want to lie to her but I’m just ashamed and not ready to disclose it yet.

It's a miracle

Saturday, October 4, 2008
Old man Carl was here again to paint. I think he’ll finish the house today. It is hilarious when he works in the backyard because the Chow won’t go within 15 feet of him. The Chow keeps about 15 feet between him and Carl at all times – enough distance that the Chow feels safe but close enough that he can keep an eye on Carl at the same time. O.J. Simpson was convicted on 12 counts of robbery and attempted kidnapping. Kimbo Slice was destroyed in 14 seconds in an MMA fight on CBS. The Cubs lost 3-1 as the Dodgers swept the NLDS. Dad and I were supposed to seal the blacktop today but he slept in late and then it took all afternoon to patch the holes in the driveway. We’ll have to seal another day.

Read chapter 10 on my book on Existentialism. I’m definitely not a fan of Soren Kierkegaard and it is not because he was one of the few existentialists to embrace religion. Kierkegaard stresses that God transcends the world and there for transcends ethics. He thinks we should perform a “suspension of the ethical” when God or our religion calls for it. This is really scary to me. This idea is what makes extremists in every religion very dangerous. Extremists are certain they are right, they are willing to die and kill for their beliefs and since they are supported by faith, what is considered ethical to most of us does not apply to them. This is one of the major problems facing the world today. Also, Kierkegaard thought we should avoid the aesthetic life. This is in direct contradiction to my belief in Epicureanism, which calls for seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

We've got a warehouse of butter, We've got oceans of wine, We've got famine when we need it, Got a designer crime, We've got Mercedes, We've got Porsche, Ferrari and Rolls Royce, We've got a choice, She said meet me in the Garden of Gethsemane my dear, The Lord said Peter I can see Your house from here, An honest man
Finally reaped what he had sown, And farmer in Ohio has just repaid a loan, It's a miracle, Another miracle, By the grace of God Almighty, And pressures of marketplace, The human race has civilized itself, It's a miracle.

I usually complain about the problems I have with life but when it comes to the world and society as a whole, I think Roger Waters expressed my feelings well. Roger laments that the world is governed by the booms and busts of economic cycles. Think about it, how we treat others doesn’t matter, neither does warfare, stress, or happiness, what matters is attaining and maintaining the good economic cycles. This is primarily how our Presidents are rated. People will say, “Well, I don’t care about anything else because he ran the economy well” or “He’s probably a nice guy but he ran the economy into the ground.” Economic conditions lead to an “ends justify the means” mentality. We’re willing to overlook most of the truly important things in life because the economic marketplace is the ultimate good for our society.

My different perspective on economic conditions and how they pertain to happiness was just another thing that alienated me from my former coworkers. All three of my previous jobs were with insurance corporations. The goal for the corporation and my coworkers was to always increase profit. Despite the likelihood that increasing profit meant working harder, longer hours, increased stress levels, perhaps laying off a few coworkers, none of that mattered to them because increased profit leads to raises, new cars, bigger houses and nice vacations. Happiness for me was just surviving the day and anything that reduced my daily stress level and kept my life simple. I am always an outsider.