Seek pleasure, avoid pain

Friday, September 12, 2008

Damp again today but warmer. Amber sent me several text messages today and seems interested in getting to know me. Other days, she doesn’t seem very interested. She wants to talk more this weekend. I’m not going to get my hopes up. Like I always say in the end, I’m probably better off alone. Watched “Malcolm in the Middle,” Hal’s father died and he didn’t know how to grieve since he wasn’t close to his father. Sarah Palin gave her first interview to the national media tonight, with Charlie Gibson. She’s more conservative than I am but I find her to be a very likeable person. I think many Americans feel the same way. If the media continues to vilify her, it will backfire. She seems down to earth, like she could be anyone’s mom, and she is really cute! Watched coverage of hurricane Ike that will hit Galveston, Texas.

Went to Springfield with Gabby, hit Lowe’s to get a jack for the porch, then went to Wal-Mart and later got Groceries. We ate at Burger King because I like their veggie burgers and absolutely love, I mean love, their plain black cup of joe coffee. I saw my doctor back on August 28th and during the visit I advised that my meds would run out in about 2 weeks. My doctor said he would call refills in for me and made a note to make the calls right there in front of me. So, tonight I go to pickup my meds and I’m told nothing has been called in for me! Great. I have enough meds to last a couple days and I left a message for my Dr. to call the refill in but it is still annoying. I did get an iron supplement at Wal-Mart tonight to try since I’m borderline anemic.

Before bed, I let the Chow in and then watched “The Dog Whisperer.” Tonight’s episode really hit home because the woman was in her mid fifties and disabled, she said all of her family has passed away and she doesn’t have any friends. All she had was her specially trained dog and a rabbit she later picked out. Cesar even said she doesn’t have any family so she is making the animals her family, and added, “This is why animals are important.” This really struck me because I fear I will be the same when I am 50 (or younger), all alone, no family, and only a dog to keep me company. Therefore, the episode wasn’t exactly uplifting. However, as always, Cesar was incredibly positive and inspirational. He is a very motivational person with a great attitude on life. I’m sure I could learn a lot from him.

I applied to a new human resources job at Pactiv. I probably won’t hear back but it is worth a try and it is a job I would enjoy. I just need someone to give me a chance in the HR field.

Who is the philosopher I most relate to? I mentioned this in a prior journal entry and I’ve been looking for an existentialist philosopher I can closely relate to. While I most closely relate to existentialism as a philosophy or set of ideas, the more I read about Epicurus, the more I lean towards nominating him as my all-time favorite philosopher. While there have been more complex philosophers than Epicurus, especially in the 20^th century, what good is philosophy if the public at large cannot understand it? As Socrates famously stated, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Isn’t that what philosophy is about? To me it sure is. Epicurus stated the purpose of philosophy is to live a happy life full of pleasure and absent of pain. It is so simple but so true. He emphasized that friendship (which I lack) is important to obtain happiness. He never married and probably did not have any children. He embraced egalitarianism and allowed women and slaves into his schools. He emphasized the importance of science and observation and disregarded religion and the idea of divine intervention. It is hard to imagine embracing that point of view during a time in which the gods were believed to have such an enormous influence on everyday life. He taught we should live a simple life, avoid the desire for wealth and earthly possessions, live in seclusion and not draw attention to ourselves, promote life absent of pain and suffering, rejected superstition and belief in the afterlife, and advised to not fear death. His followers were also vegetarians! That is the work and ideas of a truly brilliant man! We should live a simple life, seek simple pleasures, avoid pain, suffering and belief in superstition, and not fear death. Like many, I fear dying, specifically how one dies, because here again, I want to avoid pain. But don’t fear death, for it is the end of pain. Yes, I am an Epicurist. I know I already wrote about this man recently but I will go out on a limb here and state, in my humble opinion, Epicurus probably had the greatest mind in all of philosophy!

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Today is the 7th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. We all remember where we were at that moment when the attacks occurred. I was on my way to Springfield to take a test for a job. Yes, 7 years ago I was looking for employment, just like I am now. Doesn’t seem like I’ve accomplished much in these 7 years. I did get my college degree and work for 2 years since then but my life sure hasn’t progressed any. I’m probably doing worse now than I was then.

Received a package my from friend Jim today. He sent 2 Pink Floyd t-shirts, 2 cigars, sunglasses, a dvd of “Married with Children,” and a box of knives. I’ll probably try a cigar soon but I have to be careful, I don’t want to get hooked on them again. Watched “Malcolm in the Middle,” Malcolm and his mom had mono. It rained almost all day so I couldn’t do anything outside. I spent some time watching old Nintendo video games on youtube.com. Watching those videos of games from the late 80’s takes me back to my childhood – a much happier time. That is one of my major problems, I spend everyday looking backwards, to the past. That can’t be healthy. To move on, I need to be more forward looking. It is just so hard to let go of the past, since that is when I was happy while the future only brings uncertainty.

Found a show on Sci-Fi channel called “Destination Truth” about the paranormal. It was pretty good, they searched for a sea monster in Vietnam. I don’t believe in anything paranormal but I’m drawn to all shows on the subject. Maybe that is the human part of me that wants to believe. I think we do have a biological or genetic, and certainly social, need to believe in the unknown. That is why it is so hard for many people to approach the supernatural from a rational perspective. Finally, I read some blogs on the internet written by people with similar personal problems. It is good to read how other people feel and relate to their problems. I know I am not alone.

I read some philosophy writing of Hobbes, Locke and Hume. David Hume is one of my favorite philosophers (probably in the bottom 5 or 6). I think he was way ahead of his time. He died the year America declared its independence. He explained that we don’t know if there was a First Cause. This is still true today. Scientist don’t know if the universe had a beginning, maybe it always existed, maybe it expands from a big bang and then collapses, over and over. Hume declared that morality does not come from God, rather it comes from principles that promote our interests and the interests of our fellow human beings. This is brilliant, especially since it was made a century before Darwin. I view morality the same way. To me, if morality came from God, it shouldn’t change over time. Several things that were moral in the past (such as slavery) are not considered moral now. Also, morality is not universal across different cultures. Hume observed how humans are motivated by passions, not reason. Like one of my college professors once said, if humans always acted rationally, there would be no need for marketing and advertising. Hume seems to me to have been an atheist and many websites describe him that way. I will not speak for him, but he was certainly agnostic, skeptical, and one of the first philosophers to espouse naturalism. Hume also addressed the problem of evil. He expressed that God could not be completely beneficent because he has not eliminated evil or if he cannot eliminate evil, he is not all-powerful. However, there are some areas in which Hume was quite conservative and I wouldn’t agree with all his thoughts. For example, he appeared to support high economic inequality through his support of private property rights.

Another day, another dollar

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

“A Haunting” was a repeat but I watched “Malcolm in the Middle.” Reese’s buddy from the Army, the girl that played Alex Mack, visited the family. Walked on the treadmill and saw the puppies. Our neighbors have 4 Dachshunds that bark constantly, like all weiner dogs, they are not my favorite breed. Today, I saw a 5^th dog, a puppy, in there yard. I sure hope they are just dog sitting it for someone else! The Festivus Seinfeld episode was on – that and the Kenny Roger’s Roasters episode are my favorites.

National Geographic had a show on Darwin that explained how correct his theory of evolution was and how it still holds up with all the evidence today. Darwin was the first person that really made it ok to view the world as natural and godless. If I had lived before the time of Darwin, I probably would have believed everything I read in the Bible, or whatever religion I was raised in, hook line and sinker. That Epicurus held the beliefs that he did, hundreds of years before Christ and thousands of years before Darwin, makes me even more fond of him as a philosopher.

Watched “Primetime medical mysteries,” which had an interesting segment on people that had a stroke which caused a major creative change in their brain. The people developed new personalities and one guy had to write and rhyme everything and another man had to paint and draw constantly. His paintings were very good and had a Vincent Van Gogh quality to them. Most people would consider these guys crazy now. But who knows what insanity is? My sister and her friend, both psychologists, believe that all super talented people (think Van Gogh or Einstein) have to be a little crazy. That may be true but I like the think they are as normal as everyone else. Of course, our society doesn’t like people that are different so they get labeled as insane. Crazy people kill others but so do perfectly sane people, so that can’t be a distinguishing characteristic. In past times, crazy people were often exalted, such as delusional people that were thought to be religious prophets.

White House press secretary Dana Perino is pretty cute and she graduated from UIS. How cool is that?

I think Jean-Paul Sartre was right, “Hell is other people.” It comes from his play “No Exit.” It follows 3 people in Hell, a man that likes a women but she is a lesbian, the lesbian likes the other woman that is straight, that woman likes the man but he doesn’t find her attractive. So, while I talk about longing to make a connection with people, maybe I’m better off when I don’t. Connections just lead to pain. Outside of my immediate family, every person in my life has let me down. To be fair, I’ve let most of the people, including myself, down in my own life as well. People come and go, they aren’t reliable. I need stability since I don’t deal with change well. Most of my issues come from other people and how they relate to me, including in prior jobs, school and society as a whole. I take some blame as well since I’m sure I project my feelings on others, too. I’ve always marched to a different tune than most of society and you know how our modern society views people that are different and outsiders. The sad thing is, if we all were honest and connected and communicated better, we’d find we all have much more alike, than we have that is different.

I just need to remember that I am extremely lucky that my immediate family is so loving and is here for me. At the same time, I must not forget that other people cannot be trusted since they will always let you down. For this reason, family is important and having a dog – since they won’t let you down either.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Dad took the day off to work on the farm. Still no news on the job front here. I’m not getting any calls for interviews and I’ve checked the paper and several websites, there are no new job listings. I’m discouraged. Will anything turn up soon? There are so many people unemployed and businesses are letting go of people so it is not a good time to be looking for a job.

Watched “Malcolm in the Middle,” Reese got married in Vegas while his parents were gone to Dewey’s piano recital. Rachelle sent more pictures of the baby at 4 months of age. The pictures show their whole family down in August at Burgoo. Looking at the pictures, seeing Debra, the baby, and how happy everyone is, reminds me how unhappy our family is. While their family is growing, ours is just smaller since losing mom. It is not just me, I think dad and Erin are kind of lost without mom too. But dad seems to be doing ok or at least he hides his grief better than Erin and I.

Boy, you’re gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.

I saw the dogs and walked on the treadmill so at least I feel like I did something. Erin said she is starting weight watchers today. “20/20” had a segment tonight about how good looking people, both men and women, get many advantages in life, such as better tips and more job advancement. That doesn’t help me, everyone says I’m attractive but too thin, enough to make women self-conscious. Heard from Hilton, my former co-worker and friend. He kind of has a shady side to him but I always liked him and found him entertaining. I haven’t told him or any of my former co-workers about my current situation – such as quitting my last job. I’m ashamed so I just avoid discussing it. Ended the night watching a show on alien abduction. I don’t think it is real, I assume it is a delusion or false memory but I still find the psychology of belief in alien abduction as being fascinating.

I miss the innocence of childhood. I was so happy as a child. Sure, we had to do math homework and go to school, which sucked, but we learn soon enough that the real world is much worse. I miss the security of my childhood. I understand many people don’t have good childhoods but I always felt so secure as a child. I always knew, no matter what happened, mom and dad would support me and take care of my problems. This includes problems that I caused. Now I’m on my own. I understand that is part of growing up but it is scary. America is such a “you’re on your own” society. We’re all taught to be independent, individualistic and self-reliant. The gospel of America is competition. Why can’t we have a society based more on working together than competing with each other? We’re told that the pressures of the marketplace will take care of all problems in society. That certainly is not true. One of the many groups often left out in the cold are the mentally ill. It is very sad that the wealthiest country in the world does not provide more help to the mentally ill. I’m not calling for Communism, just a little bit more of a safety net for those that cannot meet their own basic needs.

More of the same

Friday, September 5, 2008

It was colder today. Watched “A Haunting,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” “Mystery Hunters,” “Doctor G Medical Examiner,” and “The Dog Whisperer.” Money is tight. Dad needs me to buy the groceries tonight. Still no calls for employment. Searched the internet, there are no new jobs. The national unemployment rate rose to 6.1%, a 5 year high and now the economy has lost jobs for 8 straight months. Not a good time to be looking for a job. I am not looking forward to working again, school and work are what caused my previous breakdowns, but for financial reasons and to get through this current funk, I need a job. I’m afraid I will spiral down, again, to the hole in the ground where I hide.

If I could trade my life at the push of a button to let mom live instead, I would do it in an instant. I don’t know how but she was one of the people that could embrace and work through the suffering of life to find enjoyment everyday. For the first time, after 2 years, dad has cleaned out and removed most of mom’s belongings from the bedroom. Where all her clothes and shoes once were, in the closet, there is nothing now. Sad.

Received a call from the Gallop polling company and I said I would vote for Obama. As of now, I will probably vote for Obama. Just about the biggest issue is health insurance. The republican party has no solution for America’s health care problems. I costs me $435 a month to pay for my Cobra health insurance now and it is breaking me. Dad, Erin (and of course mom) all have had incredible health expenses every year for decades now. Health insurance shouldn’t be strictly private companies operating to make a profit.

I’ve been using baking soda to help remove coffee stains from my teeth. Went to Springfield with dad. We went to Walmart to get Gabby’s prescription and then the groceries at Cub Foods. Saw Aunt Debra at Cub Foods. I bought the groceries. When we got home, I turned on 20/20 and the story was about people that are obsessed with health foods, specifically the raw food diet, and it showed extremely underweight people. The 26 year old man they interviewed weight 75 pounds! Of course, this prompted dad to tell me I need to eat more.

Saw a show on the Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski late last night. I find his story fascinating! He was a real genius, according to the show his IQ was over 170, he earned a PhD from Harvard in mathematics and was a university professor. Then he buys a acre of land in Montana and builds a cabin, with no electricity or running water, to live in. There he worked on his anti-technology manifesto that was eventually published in the New York Times.

People that I really admire include, Robert E. Howard, Amy Winehouse, Roger Waters, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Che Guevara, Cesar Millan (Dog Whisperer), Budd Dwyer, Timothy Leary, Matt Drudge, and many more that do not come to mind now.

I’m tired of hearing people say the good always triumphs over evil. Tell that to the Jews that died in the Holocast, or the people enslaved by the Roman Empire, or the seaside villages of England that were attacked by Vikings. There is no universal law that good always defeats evil. Quite the contrary. The better metaphor again is lightness and darkness. Darkness always triumphs over the light. That is life. Anyone that disputes this only needs to look at how our sun will eventually succumb to darkness when it burns out. Moreover, it might take another 15 billion or more years but eventually, all stars in the entire universe will burn out when their energy is exhausted. Scientist agree that at this point, the entire universe will be dark and the temperature will, basically be absolute zero. So, while it might have taken many billions of years for the universe to reach this state, that fact is for the rest of all eternity, in this universe at least, there will be nothing but darkness. Darkness always triumphs over light.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

It was beautiful outside today. 74 degrees, a cool breeze and sunny. Fall is my favorite season of the year. I am dreading winter though. I hate the cold and since I’m so thin, I cannot take cold temperatures at all. During the winter you are stuck inside the house all the time with nothing to do. One of the few things that brings me enjoyment is going outside with the puppies. I love Rocky! I never thought I would own a Chow Chow but he is so loyal. He adores me, practically worships me.

I didn’t do much all day. Nothing on TV worth watching. Dad went to the farm to work and then has to go to a fish fry at Merle’s cabin. Then he has a retirement party across the street to go to for our neighbor Butch. I hope I don’t have to go to Butch’s party but dad said they mentioned they would like to see me. Dad guilted me into going to Butch’s. I only stayed an hour and didn’t enjoy it. I’m anti-social. I’m not sure why I am the way I am but I can’t change it. I know human beings are naturally social creatures so I must be a nutcase. Finished the night by watching “Ghostly Encounters” on the Biography channel and listening to a show on CoastToCoastAM about the dangers of aspartame. Talked to Mary on the phone for over 2 hours. She said she has noticed a change in me and how I don’t laugh like I used to.

Today, I ate my typical diet regime that I have followed all summer and more or less for over 2 years. Breakfast is 2 slices of toasted whole wheat bread, served plain (no jelly, no butter, nothing). Then I have 2 cups of 100% Columbian coffee, served black, no milk, crème or sugar. Lunch is a cup of Fiber One cereal, plain with no milk. Supper is 2 peanut butter sandwiches on whole wheat, another plain cup of Fiber One and sometimes 1 Fig Newton cookie. Then 2 more cups of Columbian coffee. Late in the evening I have a Nature’s Valley granola bar, 1 cup of plain Cheerios cereal – no milk, 2 slices of plain whole wheat toast again, and sometimes a bowl of hot instant oatmeal. Before bed every night, I have another peanut butter sandwich and more Cheerios. That is the routine that very, very rarely changes.

There is someone in my head but it’s not me. Take up thy stethoscope and walk.

I’m trying so hard to get a job in the human resources field but no one will hire me. It pisses me off. I know I could do every bit as good, if not better, than most of the people in the field now. No one will give me a chance. I can’t work in the insurance industry anymore. 3 insurance jobs, 3 strikes. Before taking another job in the insurance field I would tie a rope around my neck and jump from a ladder. I looked in the Sunday classifieds that are posted late Saturday night and there are no new jobs to apply to. None, zero, zip, nadda.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Did nothing again today. Saw the puppies, Rocky just loves it when I go out there. I’ve got a girl’s phone #, Amber, she is tall, 6 feet and thin. Wonder if I will mess this up today or tomorrow. I’m concerned that she doesn’t have much of a personality though. I read that Amir Kahn got knocked out in the 1^st rounds last night, like 54 seconds! That tickled me. Watched the neighbor try to hand push the truck he is working on into his garage 5 times before he was successful. The MTV VMA’s tonight were a big disappointment. Ended the evening by watching 48 hours on Discovery Health Channel.

I listened to Mike & The Mechanics song “The Living Years” on youtube.com. That song hit #1 in 1989! I remember listening to it on the car radio with mom on our way to Springfield. I can’t put it past me, I can’t get over the grief. I told my councilor how much this still affects me after 2 years. I guess it is so hard because taking care of mom was the only thing that gave meaning to my life. Now I have no meaning. I just can’t see meaning in a life in which we get up early, work 40 or more hours a week, fight stress, struggle to pay the bills, and we continue to live this way knowing each new day will bring the same, until death takes pity on us.

I would trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday. Seriously, if I could go back to say, 2003 or 2004 now but I had to give up the rest of my life from college graduation – May 2006 – on, I would do it in a minute. I’ve had bad times in my life before, such as 1^st grade with Mrs. Gardner, junior high basketball and my freshman year of college, but the worse period of my life has easily and consistently been since September 2006 to the present.

Existence precedes essence. Most people, especially the religious believe the opposite – that essence precedes existence. This is due to their mistaken belief that we, and all life, have a purpose given to us by God and therefore he created us. In actuality, we evolved naturally through scientific processes without any divine intervention so we existed first and there is no specific essence to us. Our essence is only what we choose to make it.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Kind of a gloomy day here with rain. Watched “A Haunting” but “Malcolm in the Middle” is not on for some reason today. I keep seeing the “Shamwow” commercial and every time I see it, I come closer to buying one. Looked on the internet for any virtual pet like games but didn’t find much. Downloaded and tried “Virtual U” a college university simulator but it is way too complicated to be fun. Several new polls came out today showing McCain up by around 4 points over Obama due to his post-convention bounce. This is the first time that McCain has led Obama during the whole campaign. At night, I watched Bill O’Reilly and he interviewed Barack Obama. Then I watched “Locked Up Abroad” about an English man abducted while in India by the same terrorists that later killed journalist Daniel Pearl. Then “Dateline” was on about a man that killed his wife with a crossbow. Finished the night by watching “48 hours” and “Mystery Hunters.” Erin saw her regular doctor today and they both agreed that she needs to lose about 20 pounds.

Today was just another day in which I was left holding the phone, trying to make a connection, get a response, but there is never anyone home. That is my life story. This is why I admire people that can live in total isolation, in a cabin in the woods.

No thought was put into this. Always knew it would come to this. Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail. Pain. Pain. Pain.

It is a little scary to look back on my life and see how little I have accomplished or at least how little I have amounted to. Sure, I’m not a bad person, I’ve never had any trouble with the law or anyone else for that matter, and I am a caring person, but that doesn’t translate into life success. In a little over a month I will be 27 and I have a bachelor’s degree in Political Science that is virtually useless when looking for a job in the real world. However, I was going through some of my old poly sci textbooks the other day and it reminded me how much I enjoyed reading them and studying poly sci. From that perspective, it wasn’t really a bad decision because it was a field of study I was truly passionate about. It is just sad that I was a straight A student in high school and made the Dean’s List through college, graduated with a B.A. and a GPA of 3.8 on a 4.0 scale yet, here I am, almost 27 and I have made nothing of my life.

But it goes deeper. I don’t have a family or kids, a job, I really don’t even have any friends and instead of living life, each day I’m merely surviving life. As I told my councilor, “I’m tired of surviving.” As bad as things are, and they are bad, I still have dad for emotional and financial support. If I lose him, I’m probably finished.

My Life and its discontents

Monday, September 1, 2008

I felt tired most of the day, I’m not sure why. Erin left to head back to Naperville after visiting for the holiday weekend. I met dad out on the farm later in the afternoon. Gabby, Bill, and Kenny were going to Dove hunt but they couldn’t even find Doves to shoot. I left early and Gabby never did find any Doves to shoot. At night, I took Rocky on a walk. This is the first walk I’ve taken him on in probably 4 or 5 years and he loved it.

What is madness? I live in reality, I accept the absurdity of life. There is no God, no afterlife, no meaning to life – other than what one chooses to make of it. Does this make me mad? Crazy? Does this mean the sheep that go through life unaware or choosing to ignore this fact are normal? The absurdity is that no matter what one does, or doesn’t accomplish, life always ends with death and nothingness. I guess this makes us all equal in the end.

I’ve been looking for an Existentialist philosopher that I can completely relate to but I haven’t found one yet. It’s certainly not Friedrich Nietzsche. He has a lot of good ideas but his response to the absurdity of life – The Will To Power – is not acceptable to me. Nietzsche thinks we should not only accept but embrace the difficulties and suffering that life brings. I cannot do that. Also, the doctrine of eternal recurrence is completely wrong.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Typical day, watched "A Haunting" and "Malcolm in the Middle." Walked on the treadmill and applied to a Pricing Administrator position with Bunn-O-Matic. Probably won't ever hear back from them. Maybe Williamsville bank or another local bank will call soon. The Republican Convention is tonight. I'll probably choose Obama over McCain - I think we need universal health care. Hurricane Gustav hit New Orleans yesterday but wasn't near as deadly as Katrina in 2005. Watched a great show on National Geographic Channel tonight about death and dying. They mentioned how near death experiences are probably a product of the lack of oxygen to the brain. They compared it to fighter jet pilots that experience blackouts due to the extreme G-forces they are exposed to and how they have the same near-death experiences and they aren’t dying at all. I couldn’t agree more.

What is happiness? Is it a warm gun? It is an illusion, I assume. Some people can go through life unaware of all the suffering around them. This must be why ignorance is bliss. The only path to happiness is to "Think for yourself and question authority," as Timothy Leary put it. A very, very small percentage of people chose this lifestyle and an even smaller percentage survive to tell about it. The free spirit is always classified as crazy by others and sometimes diagnosed the same. This free spirit usually has trouble finding or maintaining a job and often has to survive on the streets. America has a superstructure woven into our society that hammers any nail that sticks up.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Two years. I’m still alive but in reality, the real me, died two years ago. I can honestly say for every single day over the past two years I have wished it would have been me instead of mom. She had such a will to survive and she enjoyed life. I can say neither. Her life had meaning, mine only has drudgery. I no longer laugh, tease, mock and play, that part of me is gone.

Watched “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle.” Tonight, VP candidate Sarah Palin will give her speech at the Republican convention. I will certainly watch. She seems to be a likable person. Gave dad two resumes for human resources positions at Memorial Hospital to give to our neighbor Caroline since she works there. I’m sure it will not do any good but oh well.

Imagine there is no heaven, it is easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only skies. Imagine all the people, living for today. Imagine there is no country, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing kill or die for, and no religion too.

Crazy, toys in the attic, I am crazy. Truly gone fishing. The best non-existentialist philosopher has to be Epicurus. He taught that humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. He was a materialist and said the gods do not interview and do not have any affect on our lives. Moreover, he called for living the simple life and being a vegetarian. I certainly agree with all of that.

The Bible is correct in one place, the Book of Ecclesiastes 4:2 – the dead are better off than the living but better than both are those which have not been born for they have not seen the evil and suffering in the world.

Mom is gone, which leaves only a memory and a snapshot in the family album. I wish it had been me.

Roger Waters was right, life is a constant struggle between light (the sun) and darkness (the moon). Mom was the sun, she was a life giving force. I am the moon, a life denying force. In the end, everything really is eclipsed by the moon. There isn’t just a darkside of the moon, the whole thing is dark.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

It rained all day, from dawn to dusk. It was the remnants of hurricane Gustav. VP candidate Sarah Palin gave a great speech last night, she has almost received universal recognition from the media for the performance. I’ll still probably vote for Obama but Palin is almost enough to make me vote for McCain. Almost. Watched “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle.” Dad really likes “A Haunting.” He mentioned that he even had a dream about it last night. He usually asks how the episode ended since he has to go back to work before the show is over.

Saw the councilor today. It helps to talk some but this journal seems to help as much as anything. We discussed how my biggest concern is the “maintenance” phase of depression/anxiety. That being the phase after which I do find a job but need to keep it and remain a healthy, productive person instead of breaking down like I have in all my other jobs. Of course, still no calls or info regarding jobs today. I still have no leads. Who knows what the future holds. At least the medicine – 40MG Prozac a day – seems to help some. However, it is not a cure all.

At 6 feet 2 inches tall and 150 pounds, everyone seems to think I’m about 20 pounds underweight. I guess that comes with being a Vegan and having a reduced appetite due to anxiety. I’d rather be 20 pounds underweight than 20 pounds overweight. I was actually down to 148 pounds when mom passed away and I looked totally emaciated.

For my whole life (everything, jobs, relationships, happiness) I have been on the phone, waiting, waiting, as the phones rings but no one every picks up on the other end to answer my call.

Man I swear I don’t have a gun, no I don’t have a gun.

I was thinking about the absurdity of life today – how life is meaningless, there is no God and no matter what we do or don’t do, we all die. Death leads to eternal nothingness. That makes life pretty meaningless and it sucks but at the same time, I would be terrified if I believed that there was an afterlife or reincarnation of some sort. That is scary since the thought that I would have to struggle through existence for eternity or relive it over and over in reincarnation is worse than eternal nothingness. Death is the long sleep and I view that as being peaceful. The most peace I derive everyday is when I’m asleep. So the absurdity of life isn’t a good or bad thing, it’s like nature, not compassionate or uncaring, it just is what it is. We shouldn’t hide or ignore the absurdity of life as most people and society as a whole does but we also do not need to embrace it, as some existentialist philosophers propose. We just need to recognize the absurdity.