More of the same

Friday, September 5, 2008

It was colder today. Watched “A Haunting,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” “Mystery Hunters,” “Doctor G Medical Examiner,” and “The Dog Whisperer.” Money is tight. Dad needs me to buy the groceries tonight. Still no calls for employment. Searched the internet, there are no new jobs. The national unemployment rate rose to 6.1%, a 5 year high and now the economy has lost jobs for 8 straight months. Not a good time to be looking for a job. I am not looking forward to working again, school and work are what caused my previous breakdowns, but for financial reasons and to get through this current funk, I need a job. I’m afraid I will spiral down, again, to the hole in the ground where I hide.

If I could trade my life at the push of a button to let mom live instead, I would do it in an instant. I don’t know how but she was one of the people that could embrace and work through the suffering of life to find enjoyment everyday. For the first time, after 2 years, dad has cleaned out and removed most of mom’s belongings from the bedroom. Where all her clothes and shoes once were, in the closet, there is nothing now. Sad.

Received a call from the Gallop polling company and I said I would vote for Obama. As of now, I will probably vote for Obama. Just about the biggest issue is health insurance. The republican party has no solution for America’s health care problems. I costs me $435 a month to pay for my Cobra health insurance now and it is breaking me. Dad, Erin (and of course mom) all have had incredible health expenses every year for decades now. Health insurance shouldn’t be strictly private companies operating to make a profit.

I’ve been using baking soda to help remove coffee stains from my teeth. Went to Springfield with dad. We went to Walmart to get Gabby’s prescription and then the groceries at Cub Foods. Saw Aunt Debra at Cub Foods. I bought the groceries. When we got home, I turned on 20/20 and the story was about people that are obsessed with health foods, specifically the raw food diet, and it showed extremely underweight people. The 26 year old man they interviewed weight 75 pounds! Of course, this prompted dad to tell me I need to eat more.

Saw a show on the Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski late last night. I find his story fascinating! He was a real genius, according to the show his IQ was over 170, he earned a PhD from Harvard in mathematics and was a university professor. Then he buys a acre of land in Montana and builds a cabin, with no electricity or running water, to live in. There he worked on his anti-technology manifesto that was eventually published in the New York Times.

People that I really admire include, Robert E. Howard, Amy Winehouse, Roger Waters, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Che Guevara, Cesar Millan (Dog Whisperer), Budd Dwyer, Timothy Leary, Matt Drudge, and many more that do not come to mind now.

I’m tired of hearing people say the good always triumphs over evil. Tell that to the Jews that died in the Holocast, or the people enslaved by the Roman Empire, or the seaside villages of England that were attacked by Vikings. There is no universal law that good always defeats evil. Quite the contrary. The better metaphor again is lightness and darkness. Darkness always triumphs over the light. That is life. Anyone that disputes this only needs to look at how our sun will eventually succumb to darkness when it burns out. Moreover, it might take another 15 billion or more years but eventually, all stars in the entire universe will burn out when their energy is exhausted. Scientist agree that at this point, the entire universe will be dark and the temperature will, basically be absolute zero. So, while it might have taken many billions of years for the universe to reach this state, that fact is for the rest of all eternity, in this universe at least, there will be nothing but darkness. Darkness always triumphs over light.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

It was beautiful outside today. 74 degrees, a cool breeze and sunny. Fall is my favorite season of the year. I am dreading winter though. I hate the cold and since I’m so thin, I cannot take cold temperatures at all. During the winter you are stuck inside the house all the time with nothing to do. One of the few things that brings me enjoyment is going outside with the puppies. I love Rocky! I never thought I would own a Chow Chow but he is so loyal. He adores me, practically worships me.

I didn’t do much all day. Nothing on TV worth watching. Dad went to the farm to work and then has to go to a fish fry at Merle’s cabin. Then he has a retirement party across the street to go to for our neighbor Butch. I hope I don’t have to go to Butch’s party but dad said they mentioned they would like to see me. Dad guilted me into going to Butch’s. I only stayed an hour and didn’t enjoy it. I’m anti-social. I’m not sure why I am the way I am but I can’t change it. I know human beings are naturally social creatures so I must be a nutcase. Finished the night by watching “Ghostly Encounters” on the Biography channel and listening to a show on CoastToCoastAM about the dangers of aspartame. Talked to Mary on the phone for over 2 hours. She said she has noticed a change in me and how I don’t laugh like I used to.

Today, I ate my typical diet regime that I have followed all summer and more or less for over 2 years. Breakfast is 2 slices of toasted whole wheat bread, served plain (no jelly, no butter, nothing). Then I have 2 cups of 100% Columbian coffee, served black, no milk, crème or sugar. Lunch is a cup of Fiber One cereal, plain with no milk. Supper is 2 peanut butter sandwiches on whole wheat, another plain cup of Fiber One and sometimes 1 Fig Newton cookie. Then 2 more cups of Columbian coffee. Late in the evening I have a Nature’s Valley granola bar, 1 cup of plain Cheerios cereal – no milk, 2 slices of plain whole wheat toast again, and sometimes a bowl of hot instant oatmeal. Before bed every night, I have another peanut butter sandwich and more Cheerios. That is the routine that very, very rarely changes.

There is someone in my head but it’s not me. Take up thy stethoscope and walk.

I’m trying so hard to get a job in the human resources field but no one will hire me. It pisses me off. I know I could do every bit as good, if not better, than most of the people in the field now. No one will give me a chance. I can’t work in the insurance industry anymore. 3 insurance jobs, 3 strikes. Before taking another job in the insurance field I would tie a rope around my neck and jump from a ladder. I looked in the Sunday classifieds that are posted late Saturday night and there are no new jobs to apply to. None, zero, zip, nadda.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Did nothing again today. Saw the puppies, Rocky just loves it when I go out there. I’ve got a girl’s phone #, Amber, she is tall, 6 feet and thin. Wonder if I will mess this up today or tomorrow. I’m concerned that she doesn’t have much of a personality though. I read that Amir Kahn got knocked out in the 1^st rounds last night, like 54 seconds! That tickled me. Watched the neighbor try to hand push the truck he is working on into his garage 5 times before he was successful. The MTV VMA’s tonight were a big disappointment. Ended the evening by watching 48 hours on Discovery Health Channel.

I listened to Mike & The Mechanics song “The Living Years” on youtube.com. That song hit #1 in 1989! I remember listening to it on the car radio with mom on our way to Springfield. I can’t put it past me, I can’t get over the grief. I told my councilor how much this still affects me after 2 years. I guess it is so hard because taking care of mom was the only thing that gave meaning to my life. Now I have no meaning. I just can’t see meaning in a life in which we get up early, work 40 or more hours a week, fight stress, struggle to pay the bills, and we continue to live this way knowing each new day will bring the same, until death takes pity on us.

I would trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday. Seriously, if I could go back to say, 2003 or 2004 now but I had to give up the rest of my life from college graduation – May 2006 – on, I would do it in a minute. I’ve had bad times in my life before, such as 1^st grade with Mrs. Gardner, junior high basketball and my freshman year of college, but the worse period of my life has easily and consistently been since September 2006 to the present.

Existence precedes essence. Most people, especially the religious believe the opposite – that essence precedes existence. This is due to their mistaken belief that we, and all life, have a purpose given to us by God and therefore he created us. In actuality, we evolved naturally through scientific processes without any divine intervention so we existed first and there is no specific essence to us. Our essence is only what we choose to make it.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Kind of a gloomy day here with rain. Watched “A Haunting” but “Malcolm in the Middle” is not on for some reason today. I keep seeing the “Shamwow” commercial and every time I see it, I come closer to buying one. Looked on the internet for any virtual pet like games but didn’t find much. Downloaded and tried “Virtual U” a college university simulator but it is way too complicated to be fun. Several new polls came out today showing McCain up by around 4 points over Obama due to his post-convention bounce. This is the first time that McCain has led Obama during the whole campaign. At night, I watched Bill O’Reilly and he interviewed Barack Obama. Then I watched “Locked Up Abroad” about an English man abducted while in India by the same terrorists that later killed journalist Daniel Pearl. Then “Dateline” was on about a man that killed his wife with a crossbow. Finished the night by watching “48 hours” and “Mystery Hunters.” Erin saw her regular doctor today and they both agreed that she needs to lose about 20 pounds.

Today was just another day in which I was left holding the phone, trying to make a connection, get a response, but there is never anyone home. That is my life story. This is why I admire people that can live in total isolation, in a cabin in the woods.

No thought was put into this. Always knew it would come to this. Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail. Pain. Pain. Pain.

It is a little scary to look back on my life and see how little I have accomplished or at least how little I have amounted to. Sure, I’m not a bad person, I’ve never had any trouble with the law or anyone else for that matter, and I am a caring person, but that doesn’t translate into life success. In a little over a month I will be 27 and I have a bachelor’s degree in Political Science that is virtually useless when looking for a job in the real world. However, I was going through some of my old poly sci textbooks the other day and it reminded me how much I enjoyed reading them and studying poly sci. From that perspective, it wasn’t really a bad decision because it was a field of study I was truly passionate about. It is just sad that I was a straight A student in high school and made the Dean’s List through college, graduated with a B.A. and a GPA of 3.8 on a 4.0 scale yet, here I am, almost 27 and I have made nothing of my life.

But it goes deeper. I don’t have a family or kids, a job, I really don’t even have any friends and instead of living life, each day I’m merely surviving life. As I told my councilor, “I’m tired of surviving.” As bad as things are, and they are bad, I still have dad for emotional and financial support. If I lose him, I’m probably finished.