Prozac Nation

Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Dow fell another 733 points (7.78%) to close at 8,577. Most of the major markets worldwide had their largest single day drop since 1987. I started my increased Prozac dosage today. I hope it doesn’t make me tired or affect me. Received my two books from Amazon today, “Night Falls Fast” by Kay Redfield Jamison and “Darkness Visible” by William Styron. Read the first 130 pages of “Night Falls Fast” today and found it to be quite interesting. Dad said he wants to get DirectTV so he can get “The Big Ten Network” channel so I told him what questions to ask our current cable carrier and the technitions at DirectTV. Tonight was the 3rd and final Presidential debate. McCain went on the attack and performed better but there was no game changer so I think Obama still has an 80% chance of being the next President.

Thursday, October 16, 2008
Spent more time working on my essay on the meaning of life. I have tentatively titled it “The Individual Perspective on Life” and I made tremendous progress today! However, the title is subject to change. I hope to complete it by October 18th. Also, read more of my “Night Falls Fast” book. I think I might have barely felt the effects of increasing my Prozac dosage but I think my body should adjust over the next week. Gabby is exhausted since he worked all day and then had a special board meeting to attend tonight for work as well.

Watched “Kath & Kim” about Kath promoting her home hair salon for the upcoming prom. On “The Office” Michael and the rest of the office was preparing a baby shower for Jan but she showed up to everyone’s surprise after already having the baby. Then, I caught the “Saturday Night Live” special mocking the Presidential debate.

Well it is official, I have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). My doctor diagnosed it and then Erin called tonight and said I have many of the typical side effects. I guess, now that I look back on my life, I can see many of the symptoms that are typical with OCPD. We just never realized before that I had the condition. I’m a perfectionist, small things out of order or small changes upset me, I like a regimented life with little change, I’m stingy with money and my mind races and I can’t control my thoughts. I guess it all makes sense.

Childhood's end

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” in which Howard Bloom was the guest. He discussed economic breakdown cycles since the 1600’s. According to Bloom, there is a recession approximately every 10 years and a depression approximately every 70 years. During the Depressions, the technology that allowed the current world superpower becomes obsolete and shortly after the Depression, a new superpower arises. Bloom thinks the Dow will bottom at and remain at 7200 in the near future.

Erin called and said they are changing her schedule at work from 10am – 7pm with Wednesday off to the standard 8-5 Mon through Friday. She isn’t exactly thrilled and is more determined to move closer to her job since she will have to drive 5 days a week now. Watched shows I had taped from last night. “Magic’s Biggest Secrets” showed how the floating or levitation illusion is done (the magician is attached by cables from a large crane). Watched "Locked up abroad - Taiwan" that I had on tape. “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” had a special episode about how not to die. According to Dr. G., the #2 killer in her morgue is obesity and the #1 killer is smoking/nicotine.

You shout in your sleep. Perhaps the price is just too steep. Is your conscience at rest if once put to the test? You awake with a start to just the beating of your heart. Just one man beneath the sky, Just two ears, just two eyes. You set sail across the sea of longpast thoughts and memories. Childhood's end, Your fantasies merge with harsh realities. And then as the sail is hoist, You find your eyes are growing moist. All the fears never voiced say you have to make your final choice. Who are you and who am I to say we know the reason why? Some are born; Some men die beneath one infinite sky. There'll be war, there'll be peace. But everything one day will cease. All the iron turned to rust; All the proud men turned to dust. And so all things, time will mend. So this song will end.

Went to the psychiatrist today and things didn’t go well. Actually, nothing specifically bad happened and I really like my doctor, it is just that he noticed I’m still not doing well. He wants to increase my prozac to 60mg from 40 and said in the future, we might try adding Wellbutrin in as well. I hope the increase in dosage helps but I have my doubts. I am who I am…and this is me. Welcome to my world. The Dr. also said I’m probably borderline with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (I believe he previously said obsessive compulsive disorder, not personality). Who knows? Let’s just say I’ve gone mad and leave it at that!

Before bed, Angela called and we talked for an hour and a half. I know she likes me, she kept saying “you’re so cute” and “you’re so funny.” But, she has her own issues to deal with now, especially with an ex-boyfriend and current coworker named Nick. She is even seeing a therapist to help her deal with the situation. I wish her the best but I’ve got my own issues to battle everyday. I told her to call me when she has a better handle on things. Another fine day full of disappointments.

Hold on to the dream

Monday, October 13, 2008
Gabby had the day off for Columbus Day and went to the farm around noon. I stayed home. I had one of those epiphany moments today in which I had several thoughts about the meaning of life. I think I might be onto something! I’m collecting my thoughts on the idea and plan to write them in an essay in the future. Erin sent a text that they had a meeting at work and it went really bad so all her coworkers are stressed out now. The Dow Jones actually had a 936 point increase to close at 9,387. That is the largest 1 day increase on record - the previous record one-day point gain, 499.19, was set during the waning days of the dot-com boom in the late 1990’s.

Monday is the best day of TV so I watched way too much today. “Unsolved Mysteries” returned to TV on the Spike network. I enjoyed the episode because the leading story was about whether Kurt Cobain’s death was really a suicide. They listed some inconsistencies such as his credit card was logged after his death, the suicide note has slightly different hand writing at the bottom, and some investigators speculated Kurt had made the decision to step out of the spot light as a rock star so someone killed him. I believe the Seattle Police Department and think it is very, very unlikely that he was murdered. After all, Cobain had made suicide attempts previously in his life. On “The Big Bang Theory” the guy from India received recognition from People magazine, which made him become arrogant. “Two and a Half Men” had Charlie dating Allen’s receptionist. “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” had a man that died as a result from diabetic complications and the other case was a man that died as a result of an injury sustained during a drunken fall.

Floating down through the clouds, Memories come rushing up to meet me now. But in the space between the heavens and the corner of some foreign field, I had a dream. I had a dream. Good-bye Max. Good-bye Ma. After the service when you're walking slowly to the car and the silver in her hair shines in the cold November air,
You hear the tolling bell, And touch the silk in your lapel, And as the tear drops rise to meet the comfort of the band, You take her frail hand And hold on to the dream.

The lines above always take me back to that horrible funeral I attended on 9-3-06. I tried to hold on to the dream for the next 3 or 4 months but in the end it was just a fantasy. That is when the worms set into my brain. I received a text from Angela tonight at 9:15. We had agreed to see a movie tomorrow night but now she said she had forgot that she has a therapist appointment tomorrow night. So she canceled and said she would call tomorrow instead. It was the third time she post-posted so I was kind of cold back to her. I sent her a text back saying, “it’s all rock ‘n roll to me.” It is probably for the best. With everything I am going through now, the one thing I do not need anymore of is drama. Also, I don’t want to have to explain anything more to her about what I’m going through now and how I’m unemployed. The less she knows, the better. I finished the night by looking through some old high school notebooks. Among the notebooks were my notes and tests from my Junior and Senior math classes. The classes were Algebra III and Pre-Calc and the work and tests looked like a foreign language to me! The work was from 1998 and 1999 (I scored 98’s and 100’s on almost all of them), I’ve forgotten it all now. It looks more intimidating than I remember it back then!

Bad day

Sunday, October 12, 2008
Spent a good portion of the day sealing the driveway. Keeney and I started at 9:30am and finished at 2:30. Now my back is sore and I’m covered in black tar. I’m not used to that much manual labor! But the driveway needed it bad and now looks 10 times better. The driveway is so big that we used the 10 original (5 gallon) buckets of seal that dad purchased and he had to go back and buy an additional 6 before we could finish.

Watched “Black Blizzard” on the history channel about the causes and effects of the 1930’s dustbowl. In a sense, I can relate to how those people felt at times because when I look to the future, I see a large dust storm headed my way and I have no where to run. “Desperate Housewives” was ok, Gabriel’s daughter bullied Susan’s son and Bree’s daughter, now a hippy, returned home with her baby.

Where is the moment we needed the most, You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost, They tell me your blue skies fade to gray, They tell me your passion's gone away, And I don't need no carryin' on, You stand in the line just to hit a new low, You're faking a smile with the coffee to go, You tell me your life's been way off line, You're falling to pieces every time, And I don't need no carryin' on, Cause you had a bad day, You're taking one down, You sing a sad song just to turn it around, You say you don't know, You tell me don't lie, You work at a smile and you go for a ride, You had a bad day, The camera don't lie, You're coming back down and you really don't mind, You had a bad day.

Today was just a bad day. I want to give up. It is more than that. I just feel like giving up. Why bother? My head is full of dark forebodings because I know things will only get worse in the future. I don’t know if that future is tomorrow, next month or next year but it is coming. Talked to Angela for a half hour and we made plans to see a movie tomorrow. I don’t know why, the conversation was going really well but after 30 minutes I had one of those “got to get out of here” moments so I ended the call asap. Later she sent me a text apologizing because she didn’t realize her sister’s lunch (whom she will meet tomorrow) is the same time the movie is playing. She asked to meet on Tuesday instead and I said that is fine. I’m done, I did my part. Whatever happens, happens. And Sunday only brings more despair on the job front. It is hard to imagine that there aren’t any jobs out there but it is true. We live in such a small city and more employers are laying off, not hiring, so it is bleak out there. The only happiness I have in this world comes from the Chow. His unconditional love means the world to me. That is what mom gave me but on an even deeper (human) level. At times, the Chow helps to fill that void. If you find unconditional love, hold onto it dearly.

Charade you are

Saturday, October 11, 2008
Another nice day here as the temperature reached into the 80’s. Dad had to work until noon, then came home and cleaned off the driveway so we can finish patching it, and now he is helping cook at a fish fry fundraiser for the church. He didn’t get home from the fish fry until dark and is completely worn out so we’ll have to patch and seal the driveway tomorrow.

I completely finished my “Existentialism for Dummies” book today. I really enjoyed ready it and bought 2 new books online. I broke down and sent Angela a text this afternoon saying we should see Bill Maher’s movie and she said she is definitely up for it. If I’m venturing out, this has big accident written all over it. Erin called and said how frustrated she is at her job. Her supervisors keep telling them that everyone needs to communicate better but she says no one keeps her (child therapist) notified of things going on with the kids. She then had an appointment with her own therapist, Carmen, who agreed to write a letter to Erin’s apartment stating she needs to move to avoid stressful driving in the winder. Carmen hasn’t written the letter yet but Erin hopes to get it by Wednesday so she can give her 60 day notice to move out. On “The Dog Whisperer” Cesar tamed an aggressive French Bulldog.

Big man, pig man, ha ha, charade you are, You well heeled big wheel, ha ha, charade you are, And when your hand is on your heart, You're nearly a good laugh, Almost a joker, With your head down in the pig bin, Saying "keep on digging," Pig stain on your fat chin, What do you hope to find? When you're down in the pig mine, You're nearly a laugh, You're nearly a laugh, But you're really a cry.

Watched a show on National Geographic called “The Science of Death.” Does that make me a morbid person? Nah, as the existentialist stress, I’m embracing death! The show was interesting, it showed the processes that the body undergoes after death. They also showed how cremation chambers are made and what the actual process involves. There is enough carbon released from the body during cremation that a loved one can choose to have it collected and transformed into a diamond! During embalming, the bodily fluids and blood are sent down a regular drain to the regular sewage system. Finally, they showed the process of “plasticity” in which real bodies are preserved for the viewing of others. Think of the “Body Works” exhibition that is displayed at different museums. They actual showed many of the displays from the “Body Works” exhibition that I remember seeing in Chicago back in 2004 with mom and my sister. Death is the great equalizer.

Quote of the day comes from Mary: “My life hurts.” Her employer reduced her hours so she’s been trying to find a new job but isn’t having any luck. I’ve noticed that I have started worrying more about dad lately. Nothing overwhelming or all consuming but if he’s running late or not home when he should be, I’ll start to worry. Once you lose one parent, you realize how fragile life is.