To be or not to be?

Monday, October 27, 2008
Finally got internet service back today. The internet service provider sent a guy here and he said the mistake was someone disconnected our cable tv and cable internet but he should have let the internet. The only show worth watching all day was “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” about a diabetic that died of a heroine overdose and a semi-truck driver that died of cardiac arrest while driving. I’ve heard that a heroine overdose is one of the best (painless) ways to go out.

I needed the Chow to come in to give him his twice daily antibiotic pill but he was enjoying the weather outside too much. So, I let Maggie, the Cocker Spaniel, come in and I gave her attention for over half an hour. After that, the Chow was more than willing to come in and take his medicine. Dogs can be so jealous! Maggie enjoyed coming in so much that I let her back in later during the night. Like a dog, one of these days they are going to have to hide my medicine in my food to get me to take it.

Sent Angela a text massage asking why I haven’t heard from her in a while, she said she had a terrible hangover this weekend. Maybe she did. She’s drinking to numb some pain that she has but I don’t know what it is. Rather than drinking, why can’t she just keep a journal about how horrible life is and how every breath is painful – you know…like I do? Maybe her therapist will help her.

I’m dreading tomorrow since I have to go to the doctor with dad. I mean, thank goodness I am available to go with him but I know learning about how to administer insulin and how bad his diabetes has become will send me spiraling down. He likes to skips meals and take his current medicine after many hours of no food intake but he can’t do that with insulin or his blood sugar will drop critically low.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Went to the diabetes doctor with dad. It was every bit as nerve-racking as I thought it might be. The Dr. said dad’s average blood sugar level is 400! Jesus, that is high! That really scares me. Dr said the current guidelines call for blood sugar to be 70-100. Also, dad has lost about 20 pounds but it might not be fat that he has lost, it might be weight he has lost because his blood sugar was so out of control. Great. After losing 1 parent, you automatically worry even more about the remaining parent. We met with a dietician that discussed how and what he should eat. The most important thing is he usually goes all day (literally) without eating and then eats 1, huge meal for supper. As a diabetic, he needs to eat many smaller meals to regulate his blood and so he can take his medicine. He has to start insulin now – 2 shots a day.

Then, when we got home, after seeing the doctor and getting his insulin from the pharmacy, he opened his prescription and realized they gave him syringes instead of a different injection needle he is supposed to use. So, he had to drive all the way back (an hour round trip) to the pharmacy and get things sorted out. Not a good day for him.

I let the Cocker Spaniel in again today to convince the Chow to come in to take his medicine. The Chow wants back out after an hour but the Cocker loves it in the house so dad set let her stay in. She is quite sweet.

My sister found out she will not be getting her professional license for the state of Alabama so that was a disappointment for her. She wanted to move to a warmer climate.

To my surprise, Angela called tonight and we talked for about an hour. I asked if something was wrong and why had she acted strange lately but she swore she is fine. Since she has her own issues, I was comfortable discussing my obsessive-compulsive personality disorder with her. She looked up the diagnosis in her psychology book and agreed the symptoms fit me well. Before bed I watched “Locked Up Abroad: Ecuador.”

Singing the blues

Saturday, October 25, 2008
Today sucked. It started off as any other day but my melancholy gradually got worse as the day went on. Dad called from work at 11:30am and said he found a 2007 Ford Taurus that he wanted to buy in Clinton. Where is he getting the money to pay for the car, satellite dish, and home repairs while still helping my sister and I? I don’t know! So the Taurus was nice, silver, 4 door, 32,000 miles and dad bought it. I had to drive it home and that is when all these memories came back to me. The inside of the Taurus was nearly identical to the Mercury Sable (a sister car) that mom drove and we sold after her death. I felt like I was in the Sable again and mom should have been next to me. Just like hearing an old song can take you back to the exact moment when you first heard it, driving the Taurus took me back 3 years in time – a time when I was happy. Yes, happy, not just content, not just surviving, I was happy. To me now, happiness is like a fantasy, a dream, a foreign land and an unknown culture. I don’t understand how something so easily obtained in the past, something I was surrounded by at all times, can just disappear like a thief in the night. In another ironic twist, while driving home I heard song after song on the radio that came out 3 years ago, James Blunt, Daniel Powter, Red Hot Chili Peppers, it was like a went into a time warp to 2005.

As I drove home I thought about how much promise and potential I had in my life, all the way from childhood to college graduation. But my belief, which first entered my mind 6 years ago, that it will all end tragically continues to increase each year. I’ll be fine tonight and tomorrow, but next month, next year, I don’t know. Life seems like a pointless movie, often boring and depressing, but even when something happens it is without meaning. Should I watch the entire film or turn it off early? Either way it ends.

Erin called and said she will get a refund for mistakenly purchasing windows vista. And dad seems happy about the Taurus and he went to a wiener roast next door a Butch’s. I’m glad he seems to be happy and I hope he really is. He deserves to be happy.

When we got home, the local cable company that we replaced with DirectTV had stopped by and probably cut off our cable because we have no cable internet access now. How stupid can they be? We made it clear we would still keep and pay for cable internet access. Now we won’t have the internet all weekend. Bastards.

If you want to find out what is behind these cold eyes then you’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.

Sunday, October 26, 2008
Still no internet today because our internet service provider is a sham. I pretty much did nothing all day but it is not like I had anything to accomplish anyway. Another day of drudgery. Gabby went to the farm and said he plans to call about the internet first thing tomorrow. Erin called and she in nervous about not being able to move until mid December. She is worried that the weather will be bad before then and on the day we try to move her.

“Desperate Housewives” was good and she used flashbacks to show the events of the past 5 years, which had been skipped over in the storylines. Also, watched “A Haunted History of Halloween” on the History Channel. A holiday about death – now that is something I can appreciate.

Pain. I felt down all weekend. I mean, more done than usual. And this comes after I have increased the dosage of my Prozac (the 4^th time!) almost 2 weeks ago. The meds aren’t going to help. If the doctor had a pill the would fill the hole in my heart, that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, no such pill exists.