Singing the blues

Saturday, October 25, 2008
Today sucked. It started off as any other day but my melancholy gradually got worse as the day went on. Dad called from work at 11:30am and said he found a 2007 Ford Taurus that he wanted to buy in Clinton. Where is he getting the money to pay for the car, satellite dish, and home repairs while still helping my sister and I? I don’t know! So the Taurus was nice, silver, 4 door, 32,000 miles and dad bought it. I had to drive it home and that is when all these memories came back to me. The inside of the Taurus was nearly identical to the Mercury Sable (a sister car) that mom drove and we sold after her death. I felt like I was in the Sable again and mom should have been next to me. Just like hearing an old song can take you back to the exact moment when you first heard it, driving the Taurus took me back 3 years in time – a time when I was happy. Yes, happy, not just content, not just surviving, I was happy. To me now, happiness is like a fantasy, a dream, a foreign land and an unknown culture. I don’t understand how something so easily obtained in the past, something I was surrounded by at all times, can just disappear like a thief in the night. In another ironic twist, while driving home I heard song after song on the radio that came out 3 years ago, James Blunt, Daniel Powter, Red Hot Chili Peppers, it was like a went into a time warp to 2005.

As I drove home I thought about how much promise and potential I had in my life, all the way from childhood to college graduation. But my belief, which first entered my mind 6 years ago, that it will all end tragically continues to increase each year. I’ll be fine tonight and tomorrow, but next month, next year, I don’t know. Life seems like a pointless movie, often boring and depressing, but even when something happens it is without meaning. Should I watch the entire film or turn it off early? Either way it ends.

Erin called and said she will get a refund for mistakenly purchasing windows vista. And dad seems happy about the Taurus and he went to a wiener roast next door a Butch’s. I’m glad he seems to be happy and I hope he really is. He deserves to be happy.

When we got home, the local cable company that we replaced with DirectTV had stopped by and probably cut off our cable because we have no cable internet access now. How stupid can they be? We made it clear we would still keep and pay for cable internet access. Now we won’t have the internet all weekend. Bastards.

If you want to find out what is behind these cold eyes then you’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.

Sunday, October 26, 2008
Still no internet today because our internet service provider is a sham. I pretty much did nothing all day but it is not like I had anything to accomplish anyway. Another day of drudgery. Gabby went to the farm and said he plans to call about the internet first thing tomorrow. Erin called and she in nervous about not being able to move until mid December. She is worried that the weather will be bad before then and on the day we try to move her.

“Desperate Housewives” was good and she used flashbacks to show the events of the past 5 years, which had been skipped over in the storylines. Also, watched “A Haunted History of Halloween” on the History Channel. A holiday about death – now that is something I can appreciate.

Pain. I felt down all weekend. I mean, more done than usual. And this comes after I have increased the dosage of my Prozac (the 4^th time!) almost 2 weeks ago. The meds aren’t going to help. If the doctor had a pill the would fill the hole in my heart, that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, no such pill exists.