Yesterday don't matter when it's gone

Friday, September 19, 2008
Today wasn’t necessarily a good day, as I had hoped, since nothing particularly good happened. At the same time, nothing particularly bad happened either so, when you are depressed, I guess that can be viewed as a good day. I didn’t get any of the job phone calls I was hoping for. Amber did message me, I’ll try to talk more with her this weekend.

The weather was great here again. Watched Jeopardy with dad over his lunch. Called Aida back. She graduated at UIS and works in human resources at State Farm and might have some advice to help me break into human resources. Gutz and I exchanged several emails about VP Palin and if I would vote for McCain since I like her. I said probably not but Palin did make me look at McCain again. I went outside with the Chow and then went to Springfield with Gabby. We ate at Maverick, then hit Walmart and County Market. I saw Mike from UIS at at County Market and I think he recognized me but we didn’t talk. Also, ran into Powell, from BlueCross, at County Market and talked to him.

“Dateline”was about a husband that killed the student his wife was having an affair with. The husband was completely acquitted. “Diagnosis X” was about a man with OCD that thought he had West Nile Virus. Instead, he had overdosed using pesticides since he was obsessed with keeping mosquitoes out of his house. “Dr. G Medical Examiner” was about a man who died after he though he was bit by a spider but the cause was actually a staff infection.

I did have another one of those “existential moments” while at Maverick. For one thing, I wonder what other people think about me while I’m there since I’m at a buffet but I’m abnormally thin. Not that is bothers or upsets me, it is more that I’m just curious. It got to be around 6:30pm and pretty busy, many people coming in and standing in line, the staff was working at a brisk pace. At this point I became detached and just observed everyone as I thought, “Why? What is the point?” All these people work all day and night, at there jobs, when they get home, cooking, cleaning, taking care of their families, and they do it all just so they can feed and cloth their families. When the day is over, they get up the very next morning to do it all over again. And that is life. But I just don’t understand it. Is that all there is? Why bother? Does this make me strange? Perhaps but I know that other people, whether they be depressed or just someone that views the world differently, share the same thoughts. Again, this occurred tonight while I wasn’t even particularly depressed or sad. I just consider myself to be a very rational person, I try to view everything from a scientific perspective, but I just can’t rationalize the point of life. But, perhaps that is the problem, rationalizing life from a scientific perspective. Scientifically, we’re just here for a short period of time to pass our genes to a new generation and then we pass on, allowing the process to continue. If consciousness is an accident, fluke or just very rare in nature, almost all other species are governed in life by instincts and genetics so they don’t have the ability to question and reason these issues. So I kind of feel like that is the problem, not that there is no true meaning to life or that the scientific and rational purpose to life is disappointing, but rather the problem is we are a conscious (self-aware) species that has the ability to question and reason the point of life. If we humans were not conscious beings, we wouldn’t have the ability to ponder these questions of life. For we all know, only humans question our purpose in life. Dogs, cats, and other animals don’t go see psychiatrists because they need a meaning to their lives. That answer isn’t comforting and it won’t make me stop having these “existential moments” but it is a rational way to look at life.

We all live under the rain

Thursday, September 18, 2008
It was a beautiful day outside, sunny and 80 degrees. I think I have the laptop computer working all right so I spent the afternoon working on the living room computer again. It has to have a virus or Trojan infecting it. Downloaded a free antivirus – program that helped but didn’t fix everything. I finally figured out that I have the “winxp2008” virus so I downloaded a new software tool called “malwarebytes” that removed the virus. So, it took several removal programs and literally, all day and night both today and yesterday, but the living room computer is working better. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

2 years ago today I started my job at BlueCross. I actually received the phone call offering the job on Sept 7th, 2006 while I was at mom’s funeral. That whole month of September was a blur. I remember trying to look forward, start a new life with my new career, after mom passed but that was a charade. I mean, I tricked myself into thinking it was working for about a month but I was only fooling myself. I know the people that are still at BlueCross are unhappy. I received a text message from Hilton today and he joked that they won’t let him have shoe laces at work because he might try to kill himself! I told him I could relate and that I thought about using my phone cord at work to put myself out of my misery (we were both only joking).

I can still remember the song that was playing in my head the day I was in the hospital as mom was dying. It’s strange, I love Pink Floyd and everything about them, I’m also a big fan of John Lennon but it was a Matchbox 20 song in my head on that horrible day. “Bright Lights” – “when all your love is gone, who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world.” It is true and I have been lost since then. Don’t get me wrong, dad has been great and has become my rock but it was mom that got me through most of life’s problems.

I think I’ve seen every episode of “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle” so dad and I watched Jeopardy while he was home over lunch. “48 hours” was about a teenage girl battling anorexia and then men and women with body dimorphic disorder. “Wicked Attraction” on the discovery health channel was about a mother and son con-artist team. Watched Seinfeld before bed, it was the “Andrea Dora” episode and Kramer acts like a dog.

For once, I’m going to make a dramatic change and end on a positive note. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Nothing special is going on but I just feel it will be a good day. Maybe I’ll get that job phone call I’ve been waiting for. Maybe it will be something else. At least I won’t have to spend the entire day working on the stupid computer!

Smiles you'll give, tears you'll cry

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Today has been one of those really annoying days. Bill was here at 8:15am to work on the other door, in the living room this time. He keeps moving back and forth from the living room and family room door so I’m stuck hiding out in my bedroom for most of the day. I have two computers and they are both giving me Hell. The main computer I use has some spyware that keeps locking it up and won’t allow me to use the internet. I tried running an anti-spyware program but the problem persists. So I used the laptop but it too locked up and my portable mouse has quit working. I spent the entire afternoon working on both computers and finally got the laptop mouse fixed. Stupid computers.

Watched “Malcolm in the Middle” – Hal accidentally burned Lois’ sweater (maybe it was a dress?) and Lois is convinced one of the boys did it. Listened to the first hour of “CoastToCoastAM” since The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, was the guest that hour. “MonsterQuest” was about about a fresh lake monster in Newfoundland Canada. As always, absolutely no proof was discovered. Skeptic Joe Nickel was on the show, I really like him.

The federal government provided an 85 billion dollar loan to AIG to prevent it from collapsing. The dow dropped another 449 points today. I remain convinced the biggest long term problem we are facing is Peak Oil. While oil did increase to around $96 a barrel today, the cheapest gas here remains at $3.95. I can remember was gas hit $2.40 a gallon after hurricane Katrina and my college friend and I were both outraged! That was when we were still used to cheap gas. Still no news here on the job front – I know, I sound like a broken record. Dad came home from work and said not to get discouraged.

I got a chance to read some of my new book on Existentialism tonight and I’m loving it! The first page of the book has a great line from French Existentialist philosopher Albert Camus stating, “the fundamental question of philosophy is that of suicide, of whether life is worth living.” Now that is powerful! Whereas religion and other philosophical systems ask “how should I live,” existentialism asks “How can I live.” That is how I feel everyday. It is easy to look back and say coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I wish I had pulled a “Robert E. Howard” when mom passed away.

Alienation

Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Bill came at 8:30am to install a new storm door and he wasn’t finished until after 2pm. Watched “Malcolm in the Middle” – it was the series finale in which Malcolm and Reese graduate from high school. I remember the exact time I watched the original airing of the episode, it was May 14th, 2006. How do I remember? It was the day after I graduated from college (5-13-06). I watched that original airing with mom and I was on top of the world at the time. I thought I could do anything and the future looked bright. There was a time when I didn’t think I could get through college so when I graduated, with a 3.8 GPA on a 4.0 scale, and was only 24 at the time, the world was mine to conquer. I was so naïve at the time. Now 2 years later, I’ve quit 3 good paying jobs, been unemployed 3 times, and most importantly, I’ve lost my mother. Life has been one steady decline since graduation.

Children, don't do what I have done, I couldn't walk and I tried to run, So I, I just got to tell you, Goodbye, goodbye, Mama don't go, Daddy come home, Mama don't goooooo, Daddy come home.

Went to Springfield and got both of my prescriptions today, for $10 total so that is really good. Also went to Barnes and Nobles and I wasn’t sure what I was looking for but I found exactly what I wanted! I bought “Existentialism for Dummies.” I haven’t had a chance to read any of it yet but I’m looking forward to it! While I don’t think anyone should subscribe to one single philosophy, religion, or political ideology, because no single school of thought has all the answers, Existentialism correctly reflects my worldview. Finished the night by watching a special 90 minute “Primetime Live” on UFO’s – seeing is believing. I don’t believe aliens are visiting earth but I still enjoy UFO shows.

Today was one of those days that I looked in the mirror and realized I look “sickly thin.”

I mentioned yesterday how I feel alienated from society and other people. Marx placed the blame of this alienation on capitalism. I do think it is a symptom of capitalism but there are other factors too. First, I need to take some of the blame on an individual level. I could go out more, join clubs, socialize, and try to meet new people but since I don’t, I will take my share of the blame. Second, I think modern society is a factor. We’re so busy with out lives and priorities that people do not socialize anymore. How many people know their neighbors? Modern society has become so technological it is alienating as well. How do we communicate? Through the email and internet postings, face-to-face contact is disappearing. As the world becomes more global and interconnected, we can communicate with people half way around the world but we lose touch with our closest friends and family. Also, quality time with family usually means spending time watching tv together. I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. Finally, Marx said labor is central to our identity and well-being because it is our own creation and it is how we project our identity. However, under capitalism, the worker only works to survive since he doesn’t own what he produces. This alienates the worker from his labor, which is essential for happiness, so it alienates us from our humanity. We are deprived of the products we create with our own labor. I think Marx has hit on something accurately here. As humans, we need to have some creativity and a way to express ourselves for happiness (recognition as Hegel would put it?) but most of us do not obtain any creativity from our jobs. There are some jobs that seem to fulfill the human need for creativity and one of those is psychologist and psychiatrist. Also, creative jobs such as artists, writers, and musicians seem to fulfill human needs well. I would also include jobs in which your labor actually involves helping people and making the world a better place (psychology, doctors, care givers, etc). Unfortunately, it seems to me that each day world becomes a lonelier place and I think alienation will continue and get worse.

In the end, it doesn't even matter

Monday, September 15, 2008
Watched “A haunting” this morning. Gabby called to say Rich might be able to help me get a job at Bunn. It would probably be a good place to work but I’m not sure what types of positions are available. For now, I’ll remain skeptical. Rich did come by tonight so I gave my resume and cover letter to him. Dad has examiners at work now so he told me how financially strapped he is now. Although I already knew it, this was another downer. The Dow Jones dropped 504 points this afternoon and the economy is in the gutters. Lehman Brothers filed the largest bankruptcy in American history. Called the pharmacy and they confirmed my prescriptions are in so I’ll pick it up tomorrow. Saw the Chow and walked on the treadmill.

I just saw that Richard Wright, the keyboardist for Pink Floyd, died today. How sad is that? News reports say he was 65 and lost his battle with cancer. I didn’t even know he had cancer! That is 2 members of my favorite rock band that have passed away in the last 2 years and the remaining members are getting up there too. I hope Roger Waters, my favorite musician of all-time, lives a long life. He has influenced me so much, I hate to think of living in this world when he is no longer with us. But, back to Wright, I am very saddened. Rest in peace, my friend.

It’s odd, I don’t believe in anything paranormal so I think psychics and all that pseudoscience is fantasy but I honestly had a premonition about this. Not that Wright specifically would die, but late last night, around 2am, I got up and looked at the news on the internet because I had a feeling someone in Pink Floyd had died and I wanted to make sure there was no bad news about Roger anywhere. I don’t understand it but it is most likely just a coincidence.

Before bed, I watched “Locked up abroad” which took place in Pakistan. I really like that show! I’ve noticed again tonight I feel isolated and alienated. I’ve felt this way the last couple of nights but it is building up too. Night is usually my favorite time but lately, that is when the dark forebodings have started to set in. I feel totally disconnected from the world. I’m still not living, just surviving and I don’t see anything that will change that. I’m not at rock bottom now, when that occurs I literally sit in the family room chair and don’t move, don’t eat, don’t bathe, nothing. I’m more at a “this is all better things will ever get” state of mind and I know things can and will get worse again. That is life, peaks and valleys but I see the valleys as much, much deeper than the peaks are high. When I ask myself “Is there more to life out there” my automatic answer is “no, there is not.”

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time, Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines, Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way, The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say.

Music seems to help the pain

Sunday, September 14, 2008
Just another day in my boring life. It rained all night, we’ve got about 8 inches of rain over the last 3 days. Our town was on the local news due to the amount of flooding. Watched the Bears lose to Carolina and then went outside with the Chow. Heard from Amber tonight – it was nothing special. I’m not gaga over her. Watched “Man vs Wild” with Bear Grylls – this episode was in Ireland. Still haven’t heard back from the doctor, has he called in my prescription yet?

Sunday is the big day to check the help wanted ads in the newspaper. Every time I have checked, for years now, the paper has had around 130 to 150 job listings (even though I wouldn’t be interested in most) but today there was a grand total of 53 jobs posted. I was really surprised. Apparently the economy is that bad. There wasn’t a single relevant job to apply for. Discouraging. Then I found an article about an interview former fed chairman Alan Greenspan gave today on the ABC News. He said “The United States is mired in a once-in-a century financial crisis which is now more than likely to spark a recession.” He added that this is the worst crisis of his career and the economy still has a long way to go. Finally, he said we have less than a 50% chance of avoiding a recession. While everything he said makes sense, I find it interesting coming from him. Why? Because, I personally, think Greenspan plaedy a large part in creating the economic conditions we are currently in by cutting interest rates too low and keeping them there for too long. Sure, there is plenty of blame to go around but Greenspan helped create these conditions and then got out of Dodge.

I'm in bed, achin' head, gold is lead, choke on bread, underfed, gold is lead, Jesus bled, pain is red, dark doom. Gruel ghoul, Greasy spoon. Used spool, June gloom. Why do you go? And now! Music seems to help the pain, Seems to motivate the brain. Doctor kindly tell your wife that I'm alive, Flowers thrive, Realize, realize, Realize.

I want to touch on something that I think Hegel was brilliant for developing in his philosophy. He stated humans are not only self-conscious of objects and ourselves, but other subjects as well. In other words, part of our self-consciousness comes from how other self-conscious beings (humans) view us. So true self-consciousness is a social condition and it involves our identification with conscious beings. This is certainly true since much of our self-esteem (or lack thereof) comes from how others view us. This makes the driving force of life, on an individual level, the quest for recognition. We all seek recognition in our lives and we need this to be fulfilled as humans. Recognition is obtained by different methods by different people. Some seek recognition by bullying others, attaining wealth and power, some seek it by becoming a martyr or identifying with a cause, others attempt to gain recognition by committing suicide. So we all seek and need recognition. However, in society there exist relationships of inequality and dependence. Those who are subordinates are aware of their status and this causes their superiors to negate some of the subordinate’s consciousness. At the same time, the superior enjoys their independence and power but also feels guilty for negating the consciousness of his or her subordinates. Therefore, neither the subordinate nor the superior gains full recognition in relationships of inequality. For this reason, I would add that the healthiest friendships and romantic relationships are those which are based upon equality so each member can receive recognition and fulfillment.

All is vanity and chasing after the wind

Saturday, September 13, 2008

More rain today and it appears the remnants of hurricane Ike will hit us tomorrow. Amber asked if I would like to meet up tonight but, being the loser than I am, I declined by saying I was too tired. I was really tired but I also sabotage myself. Not only do I have low self-esteem, but that causes me to think something is wrong as well with others if they take an interest in me. Tried to contact her later tonight but she never responded.

Went out and saw the dogs. Also, had one of the cigars that Jim sent and it was to die for! Fantastic! It reminded me how I became so addicted to cigars a couple years ago. I have to be really carefl to ensure I don’t get hooked again. Gabby worked until noon today, then went to an open house for a 95 year old farm neighbor, then went to a fish fry at Jeremy and Gala’s house. At least he is keeping busy, he sad he was looking forward to getting out.

Walked on the treadmill and watched #1 USC hammer #5 Ohio St. Chris sent a text message saying how hot Erin Andrews is. Enjoyed a video review of “Home Improvement” for the SNES from the Irate Gamer on youtube.com.

I’m “threatened by shadows at night and exposed in the light.” I fear that the darkness is creeping back in. Darkness always overcomes light. When I look forward to my future, I see the darkness. I only see light flickering faintly when I look to my past. As each day goes by, I move farther from that light in my past and closer to the darkness. To be healthy, we need to live in the here and now but instead, I live in and yearn for the past. Almost anyone will tell you, like the song, as a child, I did “shine like a crazy diamond.” I had stars in my eyes and I was full of promise. And I had a lot of things going for me, such a great loving family, a home, protection, a good education. It was all promise. Unfortunately, promises are sometimes broken.

State capitalism has come to America. Earlier this week, the federal government seized both home mortgage giants Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. The argument from all political sides is these institutions are “too large to let them fail.” While this is true, it is amazing, even hypocritical, that Republicans support the government seizure so much. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that these institutions needed to be taken over but imagine the uproar that would have come from conservatives if this occurred under a democratic presidential administration. True conservatives and libertarians would let the market sort this out without any government intervention. What happens if the major airline companies or large commercial banks go bankrupt? Will the government step in again? It sure will. The government provided a bailout to the airlines after 9/11 and the FDIC guarantees some private money when banks fail. My problem with all this intervention is that it is state sponsored capitalism. If large private companies fail, the taxpayers will bail them out, but when large companies are successful, their CEO’s and board of directors rake in billions of dollars. There is no risk, no market correction, no efficiency for large corporations anymore. However, if you are a small business owner, or self employed and you can’t make ends meet, sorry, you’re on your own. Welcome to the corporate welfare state, guaranteeing a safety net for corporate elites.