Yesterday don't matter when it's gone

Friday, September 19, 2008
Today wasn’t necessarily a good day, as I had hoped, since nothing particularly good happened. At the same time, nothing particularly bad happened either so, when you are depressed, I guess that can be viewed as a good day. I didn’t get any of the job phone calls I was hoping for. Amber did message me, I’ll try to talk more with her this weekend.

The weather was great here again. Watched Jeopardy with dad over his lunch. Called Aida back. She graduated at UIS and works in human resources at State Farm and might have some advice to help me break into human resources. Gutz and I exchanged several emails about VP Palin and if I would vote for McCain since I like her. I said probably not but Palin did make me look at McCain again. I went outside with the Chow and then went to Springfield with Gabby. We ate at Maverick, then hit Walmart and County Market. I saw Mike from UIS at at County Market and I think he recognized me but we didn’t talk. Also, ran into Powell, from BlueCross, at County Market and talked to him.

“Dateline”was about a husband that killed the student his wife was having an affair with. The husband was completely acquitted. “Diagnosis X” was about a man with OCD that thought he had West Nile Virus. Instead, he had overdosed using pesticides since he was obsessed with keeping mosquitoes out of his house. “Dr. G Medical Examiner” was about a man who died after he though he was bit by a spider but the cause was actually a staff infection.

I did have another one of those “existential moments” while at Maverick. For one thing, I wonder what other people think about me while I’m there since I’m at a buffet but I’m abnormally thin. Not that is bothers or upsets me, it is more that I’m just curious. It got to be around 6:30pm and pretty busy, many people coming in and standing in line, the staff was working at a brisk pace. At this point I became detached and just observed everyone as I thought, “Why? What is the point?” All these people work all day and night, at there jobs, when they get home, cooking, cleaning, taking care of their families, and they do it all just so they can feed and cloth their families. When the day is over, they get up the very next morning to do it all over again. And that is life. But I just don’t understand it. Is that all there is? Why bother? Does this make me strange? Perhaps but I know that other people, whether they be depressed or just someone that views the world differently, share the same thoughts. Again, this occurred tonight while I wasn’t even particularly depressed or sad. I just consider myself to be a very rational person, I try to view everything from a scientific perspective, but I just can’t rationalize the point of life. But, perhaps that is the problem, rationalizing life from a scientific perspective. Scientifically, we’re just here for a short period of time to pass our genes to a new generation and then we pass on, allowing the process to continue. If consciousness is an accident, fluke or just very rare in nature, almost all other species are governed in life by instincts and genetics so they don’t have the ability to question and reason these issues. So I kind of feel like that is the problem, not that there is no true meaning to life or that the scientific and rational purpose to life is disappointing, but rather the problem is we are a conscious (self-aware) species that has the ability to question and reason the point of life. If we humans were not conscious beings, we wouldn’t have the ability to ponder these questions of life. For we all know, only humans question our purpose in life. Dogs, cats, and other animals don’t go see psychiatrists because they need a meaning to their lives. That answer isn’t comforting and it won’t make me stop having these “existential moments” but it is a rational way to look at life.