A million tear-stained eyes

Saturday, September 20, 2008
Interesting day. We worked on putting up the new garage doors from 9am-2pm. We ended up only getting one garage door up by the time we quit. Thankfully, Butch, Keeney and Willis came over to help. Dad and I helped the entire time, which means we stood around and watched mostly, fetching tools here and there. The old door had 1 roller and the new door had 2 and dad had previously looked up that the old, single roller, would not be compatible with the new door. However, our neighbor convinced him otherwise so we tried the shortcut and used the roller already hooked up. Of course it failed miserably. We had to install the 2 new rollers and it took 5 hours. Also, we still have the other door left to install.

Afterwards, I laid down to rest for a few minutes and surprisingly slept for 2 hours. I’ve been having trouble getting 7-8 hours of good sleep again. I usually fall asleep quickly when I lay down but wake up in 4 or 5 hours and have trouble getting back to sleep. The doctor has me on Trazadone, which I take before bed. Tonight, I’m going to try taking it when I wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep and can’t get back to sleep. I hope this helps.

The Cubs clinched a playoff birth today so I’m sure all their fans are thrilled. Now they have made the playoffs for 2 consecutive years. Can’t we all assume they will blow it this year, like always?

Watched “Locked up Abroad - Mexico” and then “48 hours” about an Arkansas beauty queen found murdered. Her boyfriend was suspected but acquitted. Amber messaged me a couple times today. She sends a message like she wants to talk and then hardly says anything. What is up with that?

When you try your best, but you don't succeed, When you get what you want, but not what you need, When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, Stuck in reverse, And the tears come streaming down your face, When you lose something you can't replace, When you love someone but it goes to waste, Could it be worse?

I read chapter 3 of my book on “Existentialism” and realized I’m stuck in a stage of nihilism. Nihilism is the state of belief in nothing. The book states that when something traumatic happens, such as losing someone close to you (for me, that would be mom), you face a crisis in which you need to rise to the occasion but the danger always exists that “you’ll break….[and] fall into hopeless despair.” Powerful words. I had that traumatic event and not only did I not rise to the occasion, I had a complete breakdown. As I mentioned previously, the breakdown was not immediate since I fooled myself into feeling ok for about a month, but the truth reared its ugly head and has never left. The 2 problems I have are that I haven’t got past this stage and perhaps worse, I don’t necessarily want to either. Existentialism’s ultimate goal is to find a way out of nihilism and provide meaning in this world. Since I’m so touched by existentialism and still relatively new to this form of philosophy, it is possible that as I study it I will gain a whole new perspective on the world. Possible, but I won’t hold my breath.