Hapiness is fleeting

Friday, October 3, 2008
Old man Carl was back again today to paint. He asked if I was in college (meaning, why are you always home?) and I had to tell him I’m between jobs now. He’s a really nice guy though and mentioned how someone he talked to just found a job but it was because they new the owner of the company. Watched “Magic’s Biggest Secrets Revealed” which I had taped last night. They showed how to saw a man in half and how to walk through a steel wall. “The Dog Whisperer” covered a Dachshund that bites and an overprotective German Shepard.

Went to Springfield with Gabby. We got asphalt patch at Menards, his medicine at Wal-Mart and groceries at County Market. While we were at Wal-Mart, the guy that bought the Jeep from us called and said the car alarm on the Jeep was going off and he couldn’t get it to stop. Gabby explained that had never happened to us and we didn’t even know there was an alarm on the Jeep! He kind of worried about it all night because he didn’t want the guy to think he sold him a lemon. When we got home, Gabby called him and the guy said someone showed him how to turn the alarm off (put the key in the ignition and hit unlock twice) 5 minutes after he had called us. While at Burger King, Erin called to tell about a new patient her coworker (also a child psychologist) had assigned. The girl is probably 13 or 14 and she has a delusional disorder. She is convinced she is a reincarnation of a 500 year old religious cat. The girl provided all these details about the world 500 years ago. Erin said she is glad her coworker will be treating her.

The jobs report came out today saying employers slashed 159,000 jobs in September, the 9th straight month of job losses. The unemployment rate remained at 6.1%. The House of Representatives passed the $700 billion bailout plan 263-171 and the President signed it shortly later. Another thing in the bill is it will increase the amount of money that the FDIC insures for individual bank accounts from $100,000 to $250,000. Dad joked that this will protect both him and me. I laughed and said, “yeah, I can sleep better knowing if my bank collapses, my $250,000 in savings is protected.” I’m not saying it wasn’t a good provision to add to the bill but it is like a caller said on a tv show, neither he nor anyone he knows has over $100,000 in the bank. This is just something else that protects the wealthy.

I haven’t wrote much about Albert Camus because most of his philosophy is similar to Sartre’s (despite the fact that they had a public dispute over contemporary politics of the 1940’s and 50’s). Wikipedia provides a good summary of Camus. His aim was to emphasize the fact that happiness is fleeting and that the human condition is one of mortality. He did this not to be morbid, but to reflect a greater appreciation for life and happiness. We value our lives and existence so greatly, but at the same time we know we will eventually die, and ultimately our endeavors are meaningless. While we can live with a dualism (I can accept periods of unhappiness, because I know I will also experience happiness to come), we cannot live with the paradox (I think my life is of great importance, but I also think it is meaningless). Our life must have meaning for us to value it. If we accept that life has no meaning and therefore no value, should we kill ourselves?

For Camus, “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.” He rejects suicide since it is a confession that life is not worth living. He thinks life is worth living. For Camus, despite the fact that humans are subjects in an indifferent and absurd universe, in which meaning is challenged by the fact that we all die, meaning can be created, however provisionally and unstably, by our own decisions and interpretations.

Finally, I think Camus provides a great understanding into depression whether he knows it or not. Going back to his statement, we “can accept periods of unhappiness, [if we know we] will also experience happiness to come.” For the depressed, we don’t know if we will ever experience happiness again and this makes us question if life is worth living.
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I received the meme below to fill out from Jena.

The Rules: Answer the questions using only ONE word.

1. Where is your cell phone? Bedroom
2. Your significant other? non-existant
3. Your hair? dark
4. Your mother? expired
5. Your father? supporter
6. Your favorite thing? music
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your hobby? tv
12. Your fear? isolation
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? independent
14. What you’re not? confident
15. Muffins? rarely
16. One of your wish list items? books
17. Where you grew up? Illinois
18. The last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? shirt
20. Favorite gadget? ipod
21. Your pets? Chow
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? blah
24. Missing someone? mom
25. Your car? black
26. Something you’re not wearing? hat
27. Favorite store? bookstore
28. Like someone? sure
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? month

All apologies

Thursday, October 2, 2008
Old man Carl was back again today to paint the house. Received an email from my former coworker and friend Chris, in which he mentioned the VP debate tonight and attached several pictures of another co-worker named Abie. Needless to say, we were always fond of her. Boys will be boys. Watched a 5 minute “Banana Man” cartoon from the 1980’s on youtube because I’ll do anything that takes me back to my childhood – the period of my life when I was happy. There were 2 “My name is Earl” episodes tonight. Joy had a staph infection in her big toe and in the 2nd episode, Earl stole and blew up an RV. The Cubs lost game 2 in the playoffs tonight 10-3.

Tonight was the first and only VP debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Again, unless there is a major gaff, rarely does someone win and lose these debates. Biden performed up to his expectations and Governor Palin definitely exceeded the low expectations the media had set for her.

What else should I be? All apologies. I wish I was like you, Easily amused, Find my nest of salt, Everything is my fault, I’ll take all the blame, Aqua seafoam shame, Sunburn with freezerburn, Choking on the ashes of her enemy, All in all we all are.

I read more about Sartre today. One of his major themes was unlike trees, watches, and other objects, humans have “existence before essence.” For example, if you find a watch, you know the watch was created by a watchmaker for a specific purpose – to tell time. Thus, a watch has essence (a purpose) first, and then it is created (existence) for that purpose. Humans on the other hand, have no innate purpose. Life is meaningless and we were not created or designed for a specific purpose. This is what separates humans from all other things. So we exist first, and have to later create our own essence (purpose). This leads to his 2nd major theme, “man is condemned to be free.” So, the positive outlook for his philosophy is even though there is no specific purpose to our life, we can create our own meaning because we have freedom to make our own choices throughout our life. But, Sartre says this brings the burden of responsibility since we are responsible for the choices we make in our life. Sartre said we always have choices even if we feel like we do not. For example, if you don’t like your job, you can quit it. You may say you can’t quit because you have to pay your rent. Sartre says paying your rent is a choice, you could chose to be homeless. He goes on to say every morning when we wake up, we make a choice because we can live our life or we can commit suicide. This freedom of choice is the silver lining in a meaningless universe for Sartre. He is also known for his quote that “Hell is other people.” Finally, Sartre is known for his warning about the “Danger of the Other.” Following Hegal, Sartre believes consciousness is a social condition. We become aware of ourselves by the way we are perceived by others. The danger is we might feel objectified by others, such as feeling they only see us as a man, a Republican, a Jew, a carpenter, etc. and not a fully conscious being. This can cause us in return to objectify others ourselves. This social objectification, leads to many dangers, such as colonialism, racism, and sexism.

I believe Sartre is correct, that freedom of choice is one of the few silver linings we have in life. While life usually only offers bad choices, we still have the freedom to choose among those bad options. For me, choosing between several bad options is better than having no option at all. That is just about the only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope in my life.

Cowards die a thousand times

Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A new month arrives, hope is still nowhere to be found. Watched Jeopardy with dad over his lunch and then did some wash and household chores. The guy that took dad’s Jeep home last night called back today and bought it. I think dad dropped the price to $4,300. The Cubs lost 7-2 in NLCS game 1 to the Dodgers. The big political news today was that the Senate passed a revised version of the $700 billion bailout bill 74-25. Now the bill goes to the House.

I read chapter 8 of my book on Existentialism tonight. The chapter focuses on Jean-Paul Sartre. This is the first time I have really read and studied Sartre, and more importantly, given him a fair shake. Many years ago, I was quite Conservative in my principles and therefore, I easily dismissed Sartre (a committed Socialist). But now, it seems as if many of his ideas are quite realistic. Since I am new to him, I could not completely study him in a single day so I’ll write more about him when I feel I have a more complete understanding of his ideas. One of his many great quotes was “everything that exists is born for no reason, carries on living through weakness, and dies by accident.”

To my complete surprise, Angela, my former coworker, whom I just recently wrote about, called today. I hadn’t spoke to her for a very long time! She said she didn’t know why but she thought about me at work today and wanted to see how I was doing. Of course, I had to lie to her, not because I wanted to deceive but because I wasn’t going to admit to the breakdown I had and that I’m an unemployed loser. I would really like her to be a close friend in my life again but that is way too good to be true. She made a point to tell me she has lost like 40 pounds since we last saw each other. If so, I’m really happy for her. She asked if I still looked “Ethiopian” (ie too thin) and I said “probably.” I said we need to get together sometime (and I’m really serious, I’d really like to see her) and she agreed but I can never be 100% sure if she really meant it. We talked about some of the good times we had in the past and how much we hated our jobs at BlueCross.

I need a fix cause I'm going down, Down to the bits that I left uptown, I need a fix cause I'm going down, Mother Superior jump the gun, Happiness is a warm gun, Happiness is a warm gun mama, When I hold you in my arms, and I feel my finger on you trigger, I know nobody can do no harm, Because Happiness is a warm gun mama, Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is, Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun.

Here is where I always look at the glass as half-full. I’m glad that Angela called but when something good like this happens to me, in the long term, I’m worse off. It’s because the worse thing to do someone is not to keep them down and discouraged, rather, it is much worse to give hope to someone that is discouraged and then take it back. That is what is crushing. I’d be better off in the long term if things didn’t come along to give me false hope because that only leads to the crash. I’ll probably give her a call next week and see what happens. Expect the worst.

The real world

Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Cooler here today, high around 60, so it is starting to feel like fall. Old man Carl is here painting the house and the dogs are not happy. Listened to “Coast To Coast AM” in which Jim Marrs, a conspiracy theorist claimed the Bush administration will use the economic crisis to suspend the Presidential election. I highly doubt it. Also, economic analyst Gerald Celente was on “Coast to Coast AM.” Celente said the current economic crisis will get much worse and be worse than the Great Depression of 1929. That is a lot of doom and gloom and quite over the top, however, Celente’s forecasts have been right on the mark over the past 20 months and his work is well documented and dated. One final doom and gloom message for today came from guest Matthew Stein on “Coast to Coast AM.” Stein spoke about peak oil and how it will impact the world. Conventional world oil production peaked in 2005 and that corresponds with the large increase in oil and gas prices. I do think peak oil is the single greatest issue facing the world – worse than economics, worse than disease and warfare, and worse than global warning. In my opinion, 5 years from now, we’ll look back fondly at $3.50 a gallon for gas.

Debra called tonight and spoke with dad. She said I should read “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle” since she thinks I would like it. She was surprised we aren’t having a wiener roast at the farm since we have for the past 6 years. Dad received a call about the Jeep today and the prospective buyer took it home tonight to try it out. It looks like someone is finally interested in buying the Jeep.

I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho, I wonder what I'd do if they all did just what I said, I'd shout out an order, I think we're out of this man get, me some boy don't make me wanna change my...tone, my tone, Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here, If I were someone else, would this all fall apart, Strange, where were you, when we started this gig, I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me.

I’ve been getting bored lately. There is rarely anything worth watching on tv (not that I need to watch more tv but I have nothing else to do, I’m unemployed) and I can’t think of a single new show this year that I want to see. So I’ve mostly been stuck watching the cable news channels, which means financial doom 24/7. It is starting to take its toll on me. It is like after the 9/11 attacks, you couldn’t watch the news coverage for days on end or it would drive you insane. Oh wait, I’m looking forward to going insane, aren’t I? My life is like the Seinfeld episode in which Kramer (who has no room to talk himself), asks unemployed loser George Costanza, “Do you even have any reason to get up out of bed in the morning” and George responds, “Well…I like to get the daily news.” I am one of those few people that could be happily unemployed – I don’t need to be entertained, don’t need movies, video games, etc., I’m quite content to read, be outside with the Chow or even relax and literally do nothing. But I can’t relax during this time off. I’m still under so much pressure. This “pressure” is what most people would just call “the real world” but the real world sucks. I am “Bartleby the Scrivener,” as my whole life can be summed up as “I’d prefer not to.” I’m not a lazy person, I just have no desire. I don’t sit around playing games, I’m not addicted to the internet, I don’t drink or go out and party, I don’t spend much money, and I eat very little. I was really good at baseball and basketball in junior high so my dad begged me (literally) to play the sports in high school but I had no desire. I’m not a bad looking guy but I don’t go out and socialize, I don’t try to court women, I just lack the desire. I could have stayed at my first job after college with guaranteed job security and lived a comfortable upper middleclass lifestyle but I hated the job and lacked the desire to stay. I only have a desire to survive, not to live and enjoy a full life. Just survive day to day. That is the story of my life. What is wrong with me?

I would prefer not to

Monday, September 29, 2008
Dad took the day off and we went to Springfield. Hit Lowe’s to get driveway sealer and it cost over $350! Then we got house paint from Sears. Also, saw Chris, my former co-worker when dad stopped at Taco Bell but thankfully, Chris did not see me. At Sears, they could not get the paint mixer to work so we were stuck in there for an hour and a half while they worked on it. “Big Bang Theory” was about Leonard dating a new girl and on “Two and a Half Men” Charlie kicked Allen out of the house because Allen kept asking for the $38 that he loaned to Charlie. Neither show was very good.

Two years ago today my sister and I saw Roger Waters live in concert at Tinley Park. It was easily the best concert I ever attended. He has been my favorite artist since dad turned me onto Pink Floyd and I spent my life assuming I would never see him live. But I was wrong! As brilliant as the concert was, and it was great – Roger played the entire Dark Side of the Moon album during the 2nd half of the concert, it was still overshadowed by mom’s recent death earlier that month. I couldn’t even completely enjoy this concert that I always dreamed of seeing but never thought I would have the opportunity to see.

The Dow Jones dropped 777 points today as Washington insiders were surprised that the House of Representatives voted down the $700 billion bailout plan. The vote was 228-205. About 2/3 of Republicans and 1/3 of Democrats voted against the bill. The economy is in shambles and now political leaders are scrambling to come up with a new bill to rescue the economy.

Lunatic fringe, I know you're out there, You're in hiding, And you hold your meetings, We can hear you coming, We know what you're after, We're wise to you this time, We won't let you kill the laughter. Lunatic fringe, In the twilight's last gleaming, This is open season, But you won't get too far, We know you've got to blame someone, For your own confusion, But we're on guard this time, Against your final solution.

I came across Herman Melville’s great story “Bartleby the Scrivener.” I think I am the main character, Bartleby. Bartleby is a copier/proofreader for a lawyer but when asked by his boss to do work, Bartleby responds, “I would prefer not to.” Wouldn’t you love to tell your boss that? Bartleby is either insane, depressed, or finds life so meaningless that he refuses to do anything. The reader is left to interpret why Bartleby is this way. He continues to avoid work by always responding, “I would prefer not to.” He never leaves or enters the office, he just has snacks delivered. He literally does nothing! After he is fired he just sits in the lawyer’s office and refuses to leave. Later he is arrested for refusing to leave and is put in jail. While in jail, Bartleby refuses to eat, stating, “I prefer not to eat.” This causes him to die. At the end, the narrator learns Bartleby once worked at the Dead Letter office, and was fired after the administration changed hands. The Lawyer wonders whether it was this job, sad and depressing as it is, that drove Bartleby to his strange madness. I love this story. Bartleby refuses to do anything, even eat! At one point, he only sits in a chair and stares at the window (just like the character “Pink Floyd” in the movie “The Wall”). How brilliant is that? That is how I feel, like there is no point to trying anymore. I’m not living anymore, just surviving. I hope I become that lunatic that has no care in the world.

Don't fear the reaper

Sunday, September 28, 2008
Old man Carl came over at 10am this morning and woke dad up. He stayed for an hour and a half and dad just sat in the chair, wearing only underwear, to talk to him. Then dad went out to the farm and worked with Keeney. I slept 10 hours again last night! My sleep problem had mostly been waking up after 4-5 hours of sleep and not being able to get back to sleep. So I changed from taking my sleeping medicine right before bed to instead taking it when I first wake up, 3-4 hours into the night. So it has definitely helped but 10 hours of sleep is a bit excessive for me. I’ll see how things go, I won’t be able to sleep that much when I have a full times job.

Neither Erin nor I found any good job prospects today. I’m still hoping for a call soon. I hadn’t heard from Amber for days and she messaged me out of the blue today. She’s kind of strange but I don’t have much room to talk. I was so bored I watched “The Simpsons” in which Homer became a bounty hunter and “Desperate Housewives.” I have to admit Housewives was pretty good – the show’s storyline was advanced 5 years and we got to see where everyone was now. I probably just lost the last remaining bit of manliness I still had with that admission. Listened to “Coast to Coast AM” as Linda Moulton Howe was the guest. She discussed cell phone dangers and the disappearance of honeybees. The police video of Ricardo Alfonso Cerna is shocking yet fascinating at the same time. He’s better off than the rest of us now.

Finished chapter 5 of my book on Existentialism today. I like so much about Existentialism but like so much else in life, it leaves me disappointed. The philosophy is so straight forward about the absurdity of life and how there is no meaning to life, other than what we choose to make our own meaning, and there is no special plan guiding our lives. We are all that we have. Yet, then virtually all Existentialists say we should not only accept this fate, but we should embrace it. I can understand their emphasis on accepting this rather than living an inauthentic life and running from it. But embrace it? Why? I can’t embrace the absurdity of life. The idea of embracing it is what seems absurd to me. I may have to accept this but I will not embrace the absurdity of life! For an example of this idea that Existentialists espouse, look at Albert Campus’ “The Myth of Sisyphus.” In this story, Sisyphus is condemned by the Greek gods to spend all of eternity pushing a rock up a big hill only to have the rock roll back down the entire hill when he reaches the top. This is what he will spend his entire life, and all of eternity doing. But, although Sisyphus’s life is meaningless now, he rejects this and defies the gods by embracing the challenge of pushing the rock to the top even though it will always be fruitless. He lives for this challenge and nothing else. Sorry, I’m not buying it! Whether Sisyphus, Campus or anyone else embraces the absurdity of life, it does not change the fact that life is absurd. Again, we have to accept this but we don’t have to embrace it. Embracing absurdity is defeat!

Love of two is one, Here but now they're gone, Came the last night of sadness, And it was clear she couldn't go on, Then the door was open and the wind appeared, The candles blew then disappeared, The curtains flew then he appeared...saying don't be afraid, Come on baby...and she had no fear, And she ran to him...then they started to fly, They looked backward and said goodbye...she had become like they are, She had taken his hand...she had become like they are, Come on baby...don't fear the reaper.

It still stands that the best philosopher is Epicurus. Seek pleasure, avoid pain (including hurting others) and don’t fear death. The greatest destroyer of happiness, thinks Epicurus, is anxiety about the future, especially fear of the gods and fear of death. If one can banish fear about the future, and face the future with confidence that one's desires will be satisfied, then one will attain tranquility, the most exalted state.

All the lonely people

Saturday, September 27, 2008
The weather outside is great. Fall is my favorite season of the year. I love the changing colors, the harvest, Halloween and just the smell in the air. I also always liked that my birthday is in October and during fall, school is still kind of fun since the semester hasn’t been long enough to be burned out yet. Gabby worked till noon and then worked on the farm. My sister is upset because she gave her 60-day notice to move out of her apartment and they said it would cost her $1600 additional dollars because her contract had not expired yet. She expected the fee to be $500. Dad found out they do have a clause allowing tenants to move if it is related to a health issue. So dad told her to have her psychiatrist write a note about how the long drive to work and the winter weather gives her extra anxiety. I think it is a good idea and it is completely true, that is why she is moving. However, at this time, she says she is too embarrassed to do it. We’ll see what happens.

The Chow laid down beside me and exposed his stomach, wanting a tummy rub. I could never turn that look down! From that angle I noticed how white his teeth are. I’m talking about movie star white. What is up with that? My teeth are pretty white because I take good care of them and now brush with baking soda. But he’s almost 8 years old and has never brushed his teeth or used mouth wash but his teeth sparkle!

I’m sleeping better recently. Slept for 10 hours last night, which isn’t normal unless I’ve had a couple sleepless nights previously. Read about Paul Newman passing away today. Cleaned the aquarium. “Dr. G Medical Examiner” was about a funeral home director that was paid by Jacksonville, FL to cremate or embalm bodies but instead he was pocketing the money and leaving the bodies to rot in the funeral closets and in secret rooms. How sad is that? He only served 11 weeks in prison too! The Illini got hammered by Penn State. “48 hours” was about a boy (16 now) that was kidnapped for over 4 years but never tried to escape when he had a chance.

Ah, look at all the lonely people, Ah, look at all the lonely people, Eleanor Rigby, died in the church, and was buried along with her name, Nobody came, Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt, from his hands as he walks from the grave, No one was saved, All the lonely people, Where do they all come from? All the lonely people, Where do they all belong.?

Today was just another lonely Saturday. I should be used to these by now. Actually, I am. I did make several attempts to branch out and reach to others over the last several weeks. They weren’t major steps, but for me, I did increase the amount of effort I put forth. But nothing ever changes. No one will answer my call. So after my periods of outreach, I turn inward and bottle up. Just like the movie “The Wall.” The last time I really connected with someone was about 2 years ago. It was a coworker at BlueCross named Angela. She actually thought the world of me and tried to encourage a serious relationship. At the time, just after mom’s death, what I truly needed was a best friend, someone reliable, someone I could talk to. She wanted more, she was the type of person that had no problems making friends, she didn’t need anymore friends. In the process of explaining the situation to her, I lost both. Now we haven’t even spoke for a year. I take most of the blame and it isn’t easy. Since then, all my calls have fallen on deaf ears. I remember one time I was walking into work with her and she said she was starting to get worried because I was much later than usual. I told her, “One day, I just won’t show up.” She didn’t understand so I told her sooner or later, I’ll have a meltdown and I won’t be there anymore. I was right, as I should be, nobody knows me better than I know myself.

Sometimes I look forward to going mad. That statement probably sounds crazy. I have a romanticized view of going mad. For one thing, so many people I admire, Van Gogh, Syd Barrett, Roger Waters, Kurt Cobain, Virginia Woolf, went mad at some point in their lives. Also, my romanticized view of going mad includes going numb. It just seems when you reach the point of no return, you would also be at the point where you can’t be hurt, depressed, or have anxiety anymore. That would be the life! That is what I want to reach. If that is madness, then I look forward to it with open arms.