All the lonely people

Saturday, September 27, 2008
The weather outside is great. Fall is my favorite season of the year. I love the changing colors, the harvest, Halloween and just the smell in the air. I also always liked that my birthday is in October and during fall, school is still kind of fun since the semester hasn’t been long enough to be burned out yet. Gabby worked till noon and then worked on the farm. My sister is upset because she gave her 60-day notice to move out of her apartment and they said it would cost her $1600 additional dollars because her contract had not expired yet. She expected the fee to be $500. Dad found out they do have a clause allowing tenants to move if it is related to a health issue. So dad told her to have her psychiatrist write a note about how the long drive to work and the winter weather gives her extra anxiety. I think it is a good idea and it is completely true, that is why she is moving. However, at this time, she says she is too embarrassed to do it. We’ll see what happens.

The Chow laid down beside me and exposed his stomach, wanting a tummy rub. I could never turn that look down! From that angle I noticed how white his teeth are. I’m talking about movie star white. What is up with that? My teeth are pretty white because I take good care of them and now brush with baking soda. But he’s almost 8 years old and has never brushed his teeth or used mouth wash but his teeth sparkle!

I’m sleeping better recently. Slept for 10 hours last night, which isn’t normal unless I’ve had a couple sleepless nights previously. Read about Paul Newman passing away today. Cleaned the aquarium. “Dr. G Medical Examiner” was about a funeral home director that was paid by Jacksonville, FL to cremate or embalm bodies but instead he was pocketing the money and leaving the bodies to rot in the funeral closets and in secret rooms. How sad is that? He only served 11 weeks in prison too! The Illini got hammered by Penn State. “48 hours” was about a boy (16 now) that was kidnapped for over 4 years but never tried to escape when he had a chance.

Ah, look at all the lonely people, Ah, look at all the lonely people, Eleanor Rigby, died in the church, and was buried along with her name, Nobody came, Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt, from his hands as he walks from the grave, No one was saved, All the lonely people, Where do they all come from? All the lonely people, Where do they all belong.?

Today was just another lonely Saturday. I should be used to these by now. Actually, I am. I did make several attempts to branch out and reach to others over the last several weeks. They weren’t major steps, but for me, I did increase the amount of effort I put forth. But nothing ever changes. No one will answer my call. So after my periods of outreach, I turn inward and bottle up. Just like the movie “The Wall.” The last time I really connected with someone was about 2 years ago. It was a coworker at BlueCross named Angela. She actually thought the world of me and tried to encourage a serious relationship. At the time, just after mom’s death, what I truly needed was a best friend, someone reliable, someone I could talk to. She wanted more, she was the type of person that had no problems making friends, she didn’t need anymore friends. In the process of explaining the situation to her, I lost both. Now we haven’t even spoke for a year. I take most of the blame and it isn’t easy. Since then, all my calls have fallen on deaf ears. I remember one time I was walking into work with her and she said she was starting to get worried because I was much later than usual. I told her, “One day, I just won’t show up.” She didn’t understand so I told her sooner or later, I’ll have a meltdown and I won’t be there anymore. I was right, as I should be, nobody knows me better than I know myself.

Sometimes I look forward to going mad. That statement probably sounds crazy. I have a romanticized view of going mad. For one thing, so many people I admire, Van Gogh, Syd Barrett, Roger Waters, Kurt Cobain, Virginia Woolf, went mad at some point in their lives. Also, my romanticized view of going mad includes going numb. It just seems when you reach the point of no return, you would also be at the point where you can’t be hurt, depressed, or have anxiety anymore. That would be the life! That is what I want to reach. If that is madness, then I look forward to it with open arms.