Freedom Springs Eternal

Thursday, October 23, 2008
Gloomy and rainy day here, which mirrors my internal mood. Made a vet appointment for the Chow since he has a skin irritation near his tail that really bothers him. Watched “South Park” about a Pandemic of Peruvian bands. On “The Office,” Michael hooked up with the lady from HR and the office was robbed.

Dad is still having pain around the tooth he had worked on. Erin stayed home from work due to her back and stomach pains. Everyone in my family is breaking down. My only issues are strictly in the brain. Physically, I am extremely healthy. If mother nature wanted to be extremely cruel, she would make me live out a long life of despair while taking my family away at an early age. I won’t let that happen.

Quote from Roger Waters: “Many people are robbed of their whole lives because they are trapped in the system. They are used to produce Volkswagens. People are paid for their work, buy televisions and fridges and believe that this compensates for the fact that they spend their whole lives putting cars together.”

Roger sums up modern life pretty well. And we don’t own our possessions, they own us.

I wish I could run around the house destroying things with a baseball bat (like a rock star in a hotel room) because I need to get some anger out. But, disposing of the anger does help, it just brings the melancholy to the surface.

Friday, October 24, 2008
Took the Chow to the vet today and it went well. I was worried because the Chow had growled before when anyone touched his sensitive skin irritation but he was fine and let the vet touch him. The Davenports were waiting ahead of me and they didn’t even recognize me. The new vet (who’s mother is our neighbor) was really nice and said the Chow probably has a skin infection. The vet gave a shot and antibiotic pills to give him twice a day.

Went to Springfield with Gabby. We hit Maverick, Wal-Mart and County Market. I had to stand in line for over 20 minutes at Wal-Mart to get my increased Prozac prescription. There is always a couple of issues with people and their insurance coverage/costs that hold up the whole pharmacy line. Of course, we’re all broke so we have to go to Wal-Mart to get our prescriptions. Private insurance is a joke. I do understand that socialized, government run health insurance would be a joke as well. However, the difference is private insurance is a joke that many people cannot afford while socialized health insurance would be a joke that everyone would have access to. I prefer the latter.

I’m starting to think more and more about not taking my medicine. Not that I would go that far but I wish I would. I know if I quit cold turkey, there would be a 3-4 day delayed effect and then it would probably cause me to jump off the nearest bridge I could find. It just cost so much and my world perspective won’t change. I don’t have a depression that is related to a single event, such as the loss of my mother, a bad job, or a bad relationship, all can contribute to depression but I have existential depression. Everything I have read about this condition says it is harder to treat because medication and even therapy doesn’t usually improve one’s condition. That doesn’t mean one’s condition cannot improve but it does mean the traditional solutions probably won’t work for this condition. Everyday is just a dreaded chore for me in a meaningless world. What can change that? Everything is a chore, waking up, going to work or taking it easy, eating, all are chores I would avoid if I could.

On “The Sarah Silverman show” Sarah kept running over men with her car that she thought were Usama Bin Laden. The entire episode was hilarious. I tried to finish the night by watching the movie “Pink Floyd: The Wall,” which I have on VHS. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the movie because with DirectTV hooked up to the TV set, the VCR doesn’t seem to work. The setup is so complicated that I’m not about to attempt to adjust it. Once again, our technology owns us. This is another reason that I am disappointed in myself, I’m addicted to TV. My life revolves around what is on time and what time it is on. I’m owned by the TV. How did this happen? I want to be free. Maybe a completely free life isn’t too exciting, bordering on boring but it is probably a much happier and less stressful way to live.