Bad day

Sunday, October 12, 2008
Spent a good portion of the day sealing the driveway. Keeney and I started at 9:30am and finished at 2:30. Now my back is sore and I’m covered in black tar. I’m not used to that much manual labor! But the driveway needed it bad and now looks 10 times better. The driveway is so big that we used the 10 original (5 gallon) buckets of seal that dad purchased and he had to go back and buy an additional 6 before we could finish.

Watched “Black Blizzard” on the history channel about the causes and effects of the 1930’s dustbowl. In a sense, I can relate to how those people felt at times because when I look to the future, I see a large dust storm headed my way and I have no where to run. “Desperate Housewives” was ok, Gabriel’s daughter bullied Susan’s son and Bree’s daughter, now a hippy, returned home with her baby.

Where is the moment we needed the most, You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost, They tell me your blue skies fade to gray, They tell me your passion's gone away, And I don't need no carryin' on, You stand in the line just to hit a new low, You're faking a smile with the coffee to go, You tell me your life's been way off line, You're falling to pieces every time, And I don't need no carryin' on, Cause you had a bad day, You're taking one down, You sing a sad song just to turn it around, You say you don't know, You tell me don't lie, You work at a smile and you go for a ride, You had a bad day, The camera don't lie, You're coming back down and you really don't mind, You had a bad day.

Today was just a bad day. I want to give up. It is more than that. I just feel like giving up. Why bother? My head is full of dark forebodings because I know things will only get worse in the future. I don’t know if that future is tomorrow, next month or next year but it is coming. Talked to Angela for a half hour and we made plans to see a movie tomorrow. I don’t know why, the conversation was going really well but after 30 minutes I had one of those “got to get out of here” moments so I ended the call asap. Later she sent me a text apologizing because she didn’t realize her sister’s lunch (whom she will meet tomorrow) is the same time the movie is playing. She asked to meet on Tuesday instead and I said that is fine. I’m done, I did my part. Whatever happens, happens. And Sunday only brings more despair on the job front. It is hard to imagine that there aren’t any jobs out there but it is true. We live in such a small city and more employers are laying off, not hiring, so it is bleak out there. The only happiness I have in this world comes from the Chow. His unconditional love means the world to me. That is what mom gave me but on an even deeper (human) level. At times, the Chow helps to fill that void. If you find unconditional love, hold onto it dearly.