Hold on to the dream

Monday, October 13, 2008
Gabby had the day off for Columbus Day and went to the farm around noon. I stayed home. I had one of those epiphany moments today in which I had several thoughts about the meaning of life. I think I might be onto something! I’m collecting my thoughts on the idea and plan to write them in an essay in the future. Erin sent a text that they had a meeting at work and it went really bad so all her coworkers are stressed out now. The Dow Jones actually had a 936 point increase to close at 9,387. That is the largest 1 day increase on record - the previous record one-day point gain, 499.19, was set during the waning days of the dot-com boom in the late 1990’s.

Monday is the best day of TV so I watched way too much today. “Unsolved Mysteries” returned to TV on the Spike network. I enjoyed the episode because the leading story was about whether Kurt Cobain’s death was really a suicide. They listed some inconsistencies such as his credit card was logged after his death, the suicide note has slightly different hand writing at the bottom, and some investigators speculated Kurt had made the decision to step out of the spot light as a rock star so someone killed him. I believe the Seattle Police Department and think it is very, very unlikely that he was murdered. After all, Cobain had made suicide attempts previously in his life. On “The Big Bang Theory” the guy from India received recognition from People magazine, which made him become arrogant. “Two and a Half Men” had Charlie dating Allen’s receptionist. “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” had a man that died as a result from diabetic complications and the other case was a man that died as a result of an injury sustained during a drunken fall.

Floating down through the clouds, Memories come rushing up to meet me now. But in the space between the heavens and the corner of some foreign field, I had a dream. I had a dream. Good-bye Max. Good-bye Ma. After the service when you're walking slowly to the car and the silver in her hair shines in the cold November air,
You hear the tolling bell, And touch the silk in your lapel, And as the tear drops rise to meet the comfort of the band, You take her frail hand And hold on to the dream.

The lines above always take me back to that horrible funeral I attended on 9-3-06. I tried to hold on to the dream for the next 3 or 4 months but in the end it was just a fantasy. That is when the worms set into my brain. I received a text from Angela tonight at 9:15. We had agreed to see a movie tomorrow night but now she said she had forgot that she has a therapist appointment tomorrow night. So she canceled and said she would call tomorrow instead. It was the third time she post-posted so I was kind of cold back to her. I sent her a text back saying, “it’s all rock ‘n roll to me.” It is probably for the best. With everything I am going through now, the one thing I do not need anymore of is drama. Also, I don’t want to have to explain anything more to her about what I’m going through now and how I’m unemployed. The less she knows, the better. I finished the night by looking through some old high school notebooks. Among the notebooks were my notes and tests from my Junior and Senior math classes. The classes were Algebra III and Pre-Calc and the work and tests looked like a foreign language to me! The work was from 1998 and 1999 (I scored 98’s and 100’s on almost all of them), I’ve forgotten it all now. It looks more intimidating than I remember it back then!