My Life and its discontents

Monday, September 1, 2008

I felt tired most of the day, I’m not sure why. Erin left to head back to Naperville after visiting for the holiday weekend. I met dad out on the farm later in the afternoon. Gabby, Bill, and Kenny were going to Dove hunt but they couldn’t even find Doves to shoot. I left early and Gabby never did find any Doves to shoot. At night, I took Rocky on a walk. This is the first walk I’ve taken him on in probably 4 or 5 years and he loved it.

What is madness? I live in reality, I accept the absurdity of life. There is no God, no afterlife, no meaning to life – other than what one chooses to make of it. Does this make me mad? Crazy? Does this mean the sheep that go through life unaware or choosing to ignore this fact are normal? The absurdity is that no matter what one does, or doesn’t accomplish, life always ends with death and nothingness. I guess this makes us all equal in the end.

I’ve been looking for an Existentialist philosopher that I can completely relate to but I haven’t found one yet. It’s certainly not Friedrich Nietzsche. He has a lot of good ideas but his response to the absurdity of life – The Will To Power – is not acceptable to me. Nietzsche thinks we should not only accept but embrace the difficulties and suffering that life brings. I cannot do that. Also, the doctrine of eternal recurrence is completely wrong.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Typical day, watched "A Haunting" and "Malcolm in the Middle." Walked on the treadmill and applied to a Pricing Administrator position with Bunn-O-Matic. Probably won't ever hear back from them. Maybe Williamsville bank or another local bank will call soon. The Republican Convention is tonight. I'll probably choose Obama over McCain - I think we need universal health care. Hurricane Gustav hit New Orleans yesterday but wasn't near as deadly as Katrina in 2005. Watched a great show on National Geographic Channel tonight about death and dying. They mentioned how near death experiences are probably a product of the lack of oxygen to the brain. They compared it to fighter jet pilots that experience blackouts due to the extreme G-forces they are exposed to and how they have the same near-death experiences and they aren’t dying at all. I couldn’t agree more.

What is happiness? Is it a warm gun? It is an illusion, I assume. Some people can go through life unaware of all the suffering around them. This must be why ignorance is bliss. The only path to happiness is to "Think for yourself and question authority," as Timothy Leary put it. A very, very small percentage of people chose this lifestyle and an even smaller percentage survive to tell about it. The free spirit is always classified as crazy by others and sometimes diagnosed the same. This free spirit usually has trouble finding or maintaining a job and often has to survive on the streets. America has a superstructure woven into our society that hammers any nail that sticks up.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Two years. I’m still alive but in reality, the real me, died two years ago. I can honestly say for every single day over the past two years I have wished it would have been me instead of mom. She had such a will to survive and she enjoyed life. I can say neither. Her life had meaning, mine only has drudgery. I no longer laugh, tease, mock and play, that part of me is gone.

Watched “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle.” Tonight, VP candidate Sarah Palin will give her speech at the Republican convention. I will certainly watch. She seems to be a likable person. Gave dad two resumes for human resources positions at Memorial Hospital to give to our neighbor Caroline since she works there. I’m sure it will not do any good but oh well.

Imagine there is no heaven, it is easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only skies. Imagine all the people, living for today. Imagine there is no country, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing kill or die for, and no religion too.

Crazy, toys in the attic, I am crazy. Truly gone fishing. The best non-existentialist philosopher has to be Epicurus. He taught that humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. He was a materialist and said the gods do not interview and do not have any affect on our lives. Moreover, he called for living the simple life and being a vegetarian. I certainly agree with all of that.

The Bible is correct in one place, the Book of Ecclesiastes 4:2 – the dead are better off than the living but better than both are those which have not been born for they have not seen the evil and suffering in the world.

Mom is gone, which leaves only a memory and a snapshot in the family album. I wish it had been me.

Roger Waters was right, life is a constant struggle between light (the sun) and darkness (the moon). Mom was the sun, she was a life giving force. I am the moon, a life denying force. In the end, everything really is eclipsed by the moon. There isn’t just a darkside of the moon, the whole thing is dark.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

It rained all day, from dawn to dusk. It was the remnants of hurricane Gustav. VP candidate Sarah Palin gave a great speech last night, she has almost received universal recognition from the media for the performance. I’ll still probably vote for Obama but Palin is almost enough to make me vote for McCain. Almost. Watched “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle.” Dad really likes “A Haunting.” He mentioned that he even had a dream about it last night. He usually asks how the episode ended since he has to go back to work before the show is over.

Saw the councilor today. It helps to talk some but this journal seems to help as much as anything. We discussed how my biggest concern is the “maintenance” phase of depression/anxiety. That being the phase after which I do find a job but need to keep it and remain a healthy, productive person instead of breaking down like I have in all my other jobs. Of course, still no calls or info regarding jobs today. I still have no leads. Who knows what the future holds. At least the medicine – 40MG Prozac a day – seems to help some. However, it is not a cure all.

At 6 feet 2 inches tall and 150 pounds, everyone seems to think I’m about 20 pounds underweight. I guess that comes with being a Vegan and having a reduced appetite due to anxiety. I’d rather be 20 pounds underweight than 20 pounds overweight. I was actually down to 148 pounds when mom passed away and I looked totally emaciated.

For my whole life (everything, jobs, relationships, happiness) I have been on the phone, waiting, waiting, as the phones rings but no one every picks up on the other end to answer my call.

Man I swear I don’t have a gun, no I don’t have a gun.

I was thinking about the absurdity of life today – how life is meaningless, there is no God and no matter what we do or don’t do, we all die. Death leads to eternal nothingness. That makes life pretty meaningless and it sucks but at the same time, I would be terrified if I believed that there was an afterlife or reincarnation of some sort. That is scary since the thought that I would have to struggle through existence for eternity or relive it over and over in reincarnation is worse than eternal nothingness. Death is the long sleep and I view that as being peaceful. The most peace I derive everyday is when I’m asleep. So the absurdity of life isn’t a good or bad thing, it’s like nature, not compassionate or uncaring, it just is what it is. We shouldn’t hide or ignore the absurdity of life as most people and society as a whole does but we also do not need to embrace it, as some existentialist philosophers propose. We just need to recognize the absurdity.