Al Bundy

Great quote from Al Bundy:

"So you think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments. To fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"

To be or not to be?

Monday, October 27, 2008
Finally got internet service back today. The internet service provider sent a guy here and he said the mistake was someone disconnected our cable tv and cable internet but he should have let the internet. The only show worth watching all day was “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” about a diabetic that died of a heroine overdose and a semi-truck driver that died of cardiac arrest while driving. I’ve heard that a heroine overdose is one of the best (painless) ways to go out.

I needed the Chow to come in to give him his twice daily antibiotic pill but he was enjoying the weather outside too much. So, I let Maggie, the Cocker Spaniel, come in and I gave her attention for over half an hour. After that, the Chow was more than willing to come in and take his medicine. Dogs can be so jealous! Maggie enjoyed coming in so much that I let her back in later during the night. Like a dog, one of these days they are going to have to hide my medicine in my food to get me to take it.

Sent Angela a text massage asking why I haven’t heard from her in a while, she said she had a terrible hangover this weekend. Maybe she did. She’s drinking to numb some pain that she has but I don’t know what it is. Rather than drinking, why can’t she just keep a journal about how horrible life is and how every breath is painful – you know…like I do? Maybe her therapist will help her.

I’m dreading tomorrow since I have to go to the doctor with dad. I mean, thank goodness I am available to go with him but I know learning about how to administer insulin and how bad his diabetes has become will send me spiraling down. He likes to skips meals and take his current medicine after many hours of no food intake but he can’t do that with insulin or his blood sugar will drop critically low.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Went to the diabetes doctor with dad. It was every bit as nerve-racking as I thought it might be. The Dr. said dad’s average blood sugar level is 400! Jesus, that is high! That really scares me. Dr said the current guidelines call for blood sugar to be 70-100. Also, dad has lost about 20 pounds but it might not be fat that he has lost, it might be weight he has lost because his blood sugar was so out of control. Great. After losing 1 parent, you automatically worry even more about the remaining parent. We met with a dietician that discussed how and what he should eat. The most important thing is he usually goes all day (literally) without eating and then eats 1, huge meal for supper. As a diabetic, he needs to eat many smaller meals to regulate his blood and so he can take his medicine. He has to start insulin now – 2 shots a day.

Then, when we got home, after seeing the doctor and getting his insulin from the pharmacy, he opened his prescription and realized they gave him syringes instead of a different injection needle he is supposed to use. So, he had to drive all the way back (an hour round trip) to the pharmacy and get things sorted out. Not a good day for him.

I let the Cocker Spaniel in again today to convince the Chow to come in to take his medicine. The Chow wants back out after an hour but the Cocker loves it in the house so dad set let her stay in. She is quite sweet.

My sister found out she will not be getting her professional license for the state of Alabama so that was a disappointment for her. She wanted to move to a warmer climate.

To my surprise, Angela called tonight and we talked for about an hour. I asked if something was wrong and why had she acted strange lately but she swore she is fine. Since she has her own issues, I was comfortable discussing my obsessive-compulsive personality disorder with her. She looked up the diagnosis in her psychology book and agreed the symptoms fit me well. Before bed I watched “Locked Up Abroad: Ecuador.”

Singing the blues

Saturday, October 25, 2008
Today sucked. It started off as any other day but my melancholy gradually got worse as the day went on. Dad called from work at 11:30am and said he found a 2007 Ford Taurus that he wanted to buy in Clinton. Where is he getting the money to pay for the car, satellite dish, and home repairs while still helping my sister and I? I don’t know! So the Taurus was nice, silver, 4 door, 32,000 miles and dad bought it. I had to drive it home and that is when all these memories came back to me. The inside of the Taurus was nearly identical to the Mercury Sable (a sister car) that mom drove and we sold after her death. I felt like I was in the Sable again and mom should have been next to me. Just like hearing an old song can take you back to the exact moment when you first heard it, driving the Taurus took me back 3 years in time – a time when I was happy. Yes, happy, not just content, not just surviving, I was happy. To me now, happiness is like a fantasy, a dream, a foreign land and an unknown culture. I don’t understand how something so easily obtained in the past, something I was surrounded by at all times, can just disappear like a thief in the night. In another ironic twist, while driving home I heard song after song on the radio that came out 3 years ago, James Blunt, Daniel Powter, Red Hot Chili Peppers, it was like a went into a time warp to 2005.

As I drove home I thought about how much promise and potential I had in my life, all the way from childhood to college graduation. But my belief, which first entered my mind 6 years ago, that it will all end tragically continues to increase each year. I’ll be fine tonight and tomorrow, but next month, next year, I don’t know. Life seems like a pointless movie, often boring and depressing, but even when something happens it is without meaning. Should I watch the entire film or turn it off early? Either way it ends.

Erin called and said she will get a refund for mistakenly purchasing windows vista. And dad seems happy about the Taurus and he went to a wiener roast next door a Butch’s. I’m glad he seems to be happy and I hope he really is. He deserves to be happy.

When we got home, the local cable company that we replaced with DirectTV had stopped by and probably cut off our cable because we have no cable internet access now. How stupid can they be? We made it clear we would still keep and pay for cable internet access. Now we won’t have the internet all weekend. Bastards.

If you want to find out what is behind these cold eyes then you’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.

Sunday, October 26, 2008
Still no internet today because our internet service provider is a sham. I pretty much did nothing all day but it is not like I had anything to accomplish anyway. Another day of drudgery. Gabby went to the farm and said he plans to call about the internet first thing tomorrow. Erin called and she in nervous about not being able to move until mid December. She is worried that the weather will be bad before then and on the day we try to move her.

“Desperate Housewives” was good and she used flashbacks to show the events of the past 5 years, which had been skipped over in the storylines. Also, watched “A Haunted History of Halloween” on the History Channel. A holiday about death – now that is something I can appreciate.

Pain. I felt down all weekend. I mean, more done than usual. And this comes after I have increased the dosage of my Prozac (the 4^th time!) almost 2 weeks ago. The meds aren’t going to help. If the doctor had a pill the would fill the hole in my heart, that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, no such pill exists.

Freedom Springs Eternal

Thursday, October 23, 2008
Gloomy and rainy day here, which mirrors my internal mood. Made a vet appointment for the Chow since he has a skin irritation near his tail that really bothers him. Watched “South Park” about a Pandemic of Peruvian bands. On “The Office,” Michael hooked up with the lady from HR and the office was robbed.

Dad is still having pain around the tooth he had worked on. Erin stayed home from work due to her back and stomach pains. Everyone in my family is breaking down. My only issues are strictly in the brain. Physically, I am extremely healthy. If mother nature wanted to be extremely cruel, she would make me live out a long life of despair while taking my family away at an early age. I won’t let that happen.

Quote from Roger Waters: “Many people are robbed of their whole lives because they are trapped in the system. They are used to produce Volkswagens. People are paid for their work, buy televisions and fridges and believe that this compensates for the fact that they spend their whole lives putting cars together.”

Roger sums up modern life pretty well. And we don’t own our possessions, they own us.

I wish I could run around the house destroying things with a baseball bat (like a rock star in a hotel room) because I need to get some anger out. But, disposing of the anger does help, it just brings the melancholy to the surface.

Friday, October 24, 2008
Took the Chow to the vet today and it went well. I was worried because the Chow had growled before when anyone touched his sensitive skin irritation but he was fine and let the vet touch him. The Davenports were waiting ahead of me and they didn’t even recognize me. The new vet (who’s mother is our neighbor) was really nice and said the Chow probably has a skin infection. The vet gave a shot and antibiotic pills to give him twice a day.

Went to Springfield with Gabby. We hit Maverick, Wal-Mart and County Market. I had to stand in line for over 20 minutes at Wal-Mart to get my increased Prozac prescription. There is always a couple of issues with people and their insurance coverage/costs that hold up the whole pharmacy line. Of course, we’re all broke so we have to go to Wal-Mart to get our prescriptions. Private insurance is a joke. I do understand that socialized, government run health insurance would be a joke as well. However, the difference is private insurance is a joke that many people cannot afford while socialized health insurance would be a joke that everyone would have access to. I prefer the latter.

I’m starting to think more and more about not taking my medicine. Not that I would go that far but I wish I would. I know if I quit cold turkey, there would be a 3-4 day delayed effect and then it would probably cause me to jump off the nearest bridge I could find. It just cost so much and my world perspective won’t change. I don’t have a depression that is related to a single event, such as the loss of my mother, a bad job, or a bad relationship, all can contribute to depression but I have existential depression. Everything I have read about this condition says it is harder to treat because medication and even therapy doesn’t usually improve one’s condition. That doesn’t mean one’s condition cannot improve but it does mean the traditional solutions probably won’t work for this condition. Everyday is just a dreaded chore for me in a meaningless world. What can change that? Everything is a chore, waking up, going to work or taking it easy, eating, all are chores I would avoid if I could.

On “The Sarah Silverman show” Sarah kept running over men with her car that she thought were Usama Bin Laden. The entire episode was hilarious. I tried to finish the night by watching the movie “Pink Floyd: The Wall,” which I have on VHS. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the movie because with DirectTV hooked up to the TV set, the VCR doesn’t seem to work. The setup is so complicated that I’m not about to attempt to adjust it. Once again, our technology owns us. This is another reason that I am disappointed in myself, I’m addicted to TV. My life revolves around what is on time and what time it is on. I’m owned by the TV. How did this happen? I want to be free. Maybe a completely free life isn’t too exciting, bordering on boring but it is probably a much happier and less stressful way to live.

I don't believe in magic

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Road Dog (the housekeeper) came today. Gabby went to the dentist and had 2 cavities filled. The crazy part is the dentist asked him if he wanted his mouth/gums to be numbed and Gabby said “no.” I can’t believe that. Sure, he’s trying to save money but come on. Is this the 1800’s? Why have dental work without having your mouth numbed? Gabby said, “It did hurt a little but I could take it, I am a man!” Then he got his blood work taken for his diabetes doctor next week. I wish him luck because I really worry when he goes to the doctor.

Watched “Dr. G. Medical” examiner about a couple found dad in a car in a church parking lot and a woman that claimed she shot her husband in self-defense. Also, caught the “Breaking the Magician’s Code” that I had recorded. They showed how to stick a rose through a girl and how to pass through a turbofan. Started reading my “Darkness Visible” book. I think I’ll like it, the author’s depression made him hit rock bottom. One of the few things that still entertains me is now that we have Direct TV, I flip through the porno channels – we don’t get the channels because they are pay-per-view but the menu displays the title of every movie – and the titles are so raunchy, so wrong, that it is hilarious.

I had to make out another check for $435 to pay for next month’s cobra health coverage. It’s breaking me. Every month my account balance drops and I have no money coming in. Sometimes I just feel like saying “screw it” and want to quiet paying the outrageous fees for coverage and medicine. I’m not even sure the meds work and neither is my doctor. At the very most, the only thing the meds do is treat the symptoms, not my actual condition. I live in America, which is not only suppose to be the world’s only superpower now, but the greatest superpower in the history of civilization, yet health bills are breaking me, just like they do many others. There are 47 million of us Americans with no health insurance at all. Moreover, a large portion of bankruptcies are not due to reckless spending but are due to medical bills.

All the polls have Obama’s lead increasing as we reach 14 days until the election. Obama leads by 10 points in many polls.

Erin called tonight because she was having computer problems. She needed to upgrade and purchase her Microsoft Office software to continue to use it but she was confused and bought the “Windows Vista” operating system instead. So, she spent $100 on the standard version of “Windows Vista” but she already had the more advanced professional version of “Windows Vista” on her computer! Besides spending $100 to buy an inferior operating system, this did not provide her with the full version of “Microsoft Office” that she really wanted all along. Also, since the new standard version of “Windows Vista” was installed, it erased all of her stored files on her computer. She was very upset and in tears on the phone. She called technical support and will get a restoration disk back with her old operating system but her files are lost forever and she doesn’t know if she can get her $100 back from Microsoft. She said she felt like a complete idiot.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Everyday just brings more bad news. Erin called this morning and said she threw out her back while bending over. She added that dad got a phone call from his doctor today saying he needs to go on insulin. They want his blood sugar level to be at a 7.0 but it was at 12.0. He’s not thrilled but he seems to be taking it ok. I’ll be sure to go with him to the doctor next Tuesday when he starts taking the shots. I feel like I’m going through the exact same process as I did 2 years ago when mom became sick but this time it is dad. I hope the outcome is much better this time.

God is a concept, by which we measure, our pain, I'll say it again, God is a concept, by which we measure, our pain, I don't believe in magic, I don't believe in I-ching, I don't believe in Bible, I don't believe in tarot, I don't believe in Hitler, I don't believe in Jesus, I don't believe in Kennedy, Í don't believe in Buddha, I don't believe in Mantra, I don't believe in gita, I don't believe in yoga, I don't believe in kings, I don't believe in Elvis, I don't believe in Zimmerman, I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me, And that's reality, The dream is over, What can I say?
The dream is over.

Rush Limbaugh continues to insist that the 10 point lead that many polls show for Obama is not accurate. Limbaugh says this is a very close race. We’ll see. Sent a follow up letter to Bunn seeking employment. It can’t hurt. I watched the “David Gilmour Live in Gdnask” concert that I taped from VH1 Classic. He’s no Roger Waters but the concert was pretty good. Rick Wright sang and played during the entire concert. It is a shame he is gone now but he’s better off than all of us now. Finally, the episode of “MonsterQuest” that I’ve been looking forward to for many weeks was on. The episode was about giant spiders, which legends claim reach up to 4 or 5 feet in length. As always, none were found but that is ok, I’m still terrified of spiders as small as a penny.

I better get to bed now…I’m sure another day of disappointments and heartaches awaits for tomorrow.

The dream is over

Sunday, October 19,2008
Virtually did nothing today. We now have well over 200 channels with DirectTV yet there is still usually nothing worth watching. Erin was still here today and she is still worried about getting moved out of her apartment. We watched “Desperate Housewives” about Lynette being jealous of Bree’s success. The entire episode was very predictable. Colon Powell endorsed Barack Obama today.

On a philosophy message board, someone named “interestedinlife” responded to my “peak moment” theory of life, which I listed yesterday. Here is what he said and my response.

Interestedinlife: “I like the idea of "peak moment", as one that have a major influence on persons life. Still, I think, that "peak moment" describes one’s psychological state. It could be a traumatic experience, or a totally illuminating experience. But is this experience conscious or comes from unconsciousness? The more fundamental question would be, do we have a freedom to choose "peak moment"? Or maybe at the moment when we find out our "peak experience", meaning comes to our life?”

My response: “I think you are really on to something here and I don't have an answer or a hypothesis yet. As you asked, can we "chose" what is our "peak moment" or at least chose what we want to define as our "peak moment?" That is an incredibly hard question to answer and it brings free will into the equation.

In my example, my "peak moment" thus far has been my mother's death. I certainly didn't choose that, however do I have the ability to change and overcome that by sheer will power? I don't know. Do I choose how to interpret it or how I let it affect me? Or are some things just intrinsically negative experiences? Sartre would most likely say yes, I do have that choice and since I have not overcome her death, I have chosen to have a negative perspective on life. But is it that simple?

If someone was sexually abused as a child, this negative "peak moment" would certainly have a lasting influence on the victim. Does the victim have the free will and ability to just overcome this? Things happen to us which we cannot control. Again, Sartre would most likely believe we choice how to deal with, accept and interpret such events. I'm not so sure. What do you think?”

Monday, October 20, 2008
Listened to guest Amity Shlaes on “CoastToCoastAM.” She is the author of “The Forgotten Man” and she said during The Great Depression the stock market dropped a staggering 80% and did not come back to its 1929 level until 1954. The rest of her interview focused on her belief that Herbert Hoover was not nearly as a bad of a President as he has been portrayed while FDR made many mistakes that prolonged the Depression.

Erin left to return to her apartment today. Dad worked all day and then had to go to a cocktail party since the bank’s merger was approved today. Watched “Big Bang Theory” about Sheldon trying to learn to drive. “2 and a Half Men” had the return of Jake’s former teacher, whom Charlie dated. The awesome part of the night was when I caught “Classic Albums: John Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band” on VH1 Classic. They discussed how the death of his mother had a tremendous affect on Lennon and how much pain it bought him. Does that sound like anyone familiar? Her death did provide a huge inspiration for his creative side but he never got over the pain. I know how you felt, John.

Building on the subject of “existential depression” that I mentioned the other day, I found a good essay on the topic. I have printed the entire article here:

Title: Existential depression in gifted individuals

Author: James T. Webb

Citation: Reproduced by permission of the Great Potential Press.

Taken from: http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_ExistentialDepressionInGiftedIndividuals.shtml

It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously. Sometimes this existential depression is tied into the positive disintegration experience referred to by Dabrowski (1996).

Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or "ultimate concerns")--death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?

Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well.

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.

When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no "ultimately right" choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations.

The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at "fate" or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression.

In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of "unfairness." Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one's life. It is at this point that they question life's meaning and ask, "Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?"

Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.

How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation.

The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982).

A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or "failure to thrive" syndrome. Often, I have "prescribed" daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, "I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug." A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a "high five" can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection.

The issues and choices involved in managing one's freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives.

It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in "causes" (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to "belong." Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration.

In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes:

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

Langston Hughes

References
Dabrowski, K. (1966). The Theory of Positive Disintegration. International Journal of Psychiatry, 2(2), 229-244.
Halsted, J. (1994). Some of My Best Friends Are Books: Guiding Gifted Readers from Pre-School through High School. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (Formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Webb, J. T., Meckstroth, E. A. and Tolan, S. S. (1982). Guiding the Gifted Child: A Practical Source for Parents and Teachers. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.]

Happy Birthday

Friday, October 17, 2008

Finished my “Night Falls Fast” book. I did enjoy it, it was good but not great. To my surprise, dad said he called and ordered DirectTV and they will be installing the satellite dishes Saturday morning. I don’t mind, I was very content with our cable service and I already watch too much TV. I’ll probably love the DVR more than the additional channels. I guess I’m…reluctantly, heading into the future. I waited until 2006 to finally get a DVD player and my favorite computer is over 6 years old now. That is ancient in computer time. What can I say, I’m “old school.”

Went to Springfield with Gabby tonight. I drove the Blazer since it was raining. We hit Wal-Mart, Burger King and County Market. Watched “The McLaughlin Group” in which both John McLaughlin and Pat Buchanan discussed the likelihood that liberal democrats with control the House, Senate and Presidency and have more power to pursue a liberal agenda than ever before. Both Pat and John believe with no check on their power, a liberal agenda could lead to a severe backlash by the public.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Happy Birthday to me. I have completed another year of failure. Hooray. I did not get a single birthday wish from any of my friends (only relatives remembered). Not a single friend or former coworker, many of which I became very close to, remembered. Geez. I miss you mom. My sister came home and together with dad, we ate at Ruby Tuesday’s and then saw the movie “Sex Drive.” The movie was actually quite good. Aunt Debbie called and wished me well and then I talked to Nesby for about 10 minutes on the phone. I tease him that he must be able ready to get married and he claimed he is not even close to being ready. Nesby brought up the the age of 27 is the age that all the rock stars, Hendrix, Joplin, Cobain, Morrison, died. Ironic.

The guy from Direct TV told Gabby he would be here between 8am and Noon to install the satellite dish. Then he called at 1pm and said he would be here at 2pm. He finally arrived at 5:15pm! There is an entire Seinfeld episode dedicated to the Kramer running from the cable man since he lied about when he would arrive. I love that show. We showed the DirectTV guy where all the TV’s were and left to see the movie. To our astonishment, when we got home at 10pm, he was still here working on the dish and receivers! When he finally got it all setup, he couldn’t leave because our cable internet wasn’t working. Finally, he found a wire he had disconnected. He left at about 11pm! Everything seems to be working now.

I’ve gotten some feedback on my essay about the meaning of life from the people at allexperts.com. One of the experts (Neil) wrote the following response: “Nice essay. Basically, [you] have existential depression (there are thousands of articles for this form of depression that you can read on google). Existential depression is, for the most part, associated with the gifted. This is a hard depression to overcome because it is so difficult to change the way you think. I would do some research on existential- nihilism or just nihilism (I think that might be your philosophy). Unfortunately, you should know that existential depression is associated with suicide. You need to be able to differentiate the theoretical from the practical, and never let these two worlds overlap. You can be an existential-nihilist in theory, but in practice (when you live your life), be [an] empiricist, be a religious person, be something that's fun for you. I recommend that you change your lifestyle. Add some positive aspects to your life: exercise (releases the hormone serotonin which makes you feel good), listen to happier and more upbeat music?, and spend more time outside with friends and less time alone.” Of course Neil is exactly right, about me having existential depression and how to live a happier life. If it were only easier to make those necessary changes that lead to improvment.

Here is my essay:

The Individual Perspective on Life

Theories about the way one views his or her life have been developed before and will be again in the future. However, these theories all contain the same flaw, they are way too complicated. The perspective or meaning of life is such a fundamental question for us but scholars have been unable to define, understand and express this fundamental question throughout history. The individual perspective on life, or the search for meaning in one’s life, is actually easy to explain because everyone, from young children to adults, and those with high I.Q.’s to those with mental handicaps, experience this fundamental question. The individual perspective on life can be mapped out similarly to a bell curve. The peak point (which will referred to as the “peak moment”) on this bell curve defines how one views his or her life. This “peak moment” shapes one’s worldview. Everyone has a specific “peak moment” which defines his or her life however, this “peak moment” can change during the course of one’s life. Understanding this “peak moment” is a key to understanding yourself and how you view the world.

The meaning of one’s life can be mapped out similarly to a bell curve. The “peak moment” of one’s life on this bell curve defines the meaning of one’s life and how he or she perceives the world. The key to understanding one’s life and his or her perspective on life, is to determine “peak moment” of one’s life. Everyone’s life will be a string of ups and downs, including some major high points and some major low points, but the “peak moment” must be separated from all other life experiences to understand an individual’s overall perspective on life.

The “peak moment” can be an extreme high point for someone, such as marriage, getting the perfect job or becoming wealthy. However, the “peak moment” could be an extreme low point instead, such as the death of a loved one, a divorce, or losing all financial security. Once the “peak moment” is determined, it can be isolated and used to better understand how someone views life overall.

If the “peak moment” for someone is an extreme high point, he or she will view their overall life in a positive light and have a positive perspective of the world. In this way, if one’s “peak moment” is the high point when wealth or financial security was obtained, then while it remains that money cannot buy happiness, in this case it does causes happiness.

If one’s “peak moment” is an extreme low point, it will cloud and overshadow everything else in his or her life. This does not mean someone with a negative “peak moment” cannot ever have periods of happiness or experience joy but it does mean his or her overall life perspective will be negative. At the same time, if one’s “peak moment” is a positive event, he or she will still experience the trials and tribulations of life but the “peak moment” that defines his or her life in a positive light will carry the person through and help the person overcome the negative events in life. For example, I am 27 years old and as of now, my “peak moment” was the negative event of my mother passing away 2 years ago. That event shapes my entire world and gives me an overall gloomy perspective on life. I still experience joy and am happy at times but those moments are outnumbered and overshadowed by my current negative world perspective. The easy part is that I now know what I need to do to improve my life and gain a more positive outlook on life. What I need to do is accept, deal with, and overcome the death of my mother. Unfortunately, the hard part is implementing and executing the plan. To this day, I have not been about to get past this negative experience so it acts as a constant weight on my shoulders every day. Good and bad things happen everyday but nothing else really matters that much because my mother is gone forever.

Someone else with a positive “peak moment” (such as marrying the love of their life) would be able to eventually overcome and accept the death of a close loved one because as painful as the loss would be, it would not define his or her life. Instead, the comfort and knowledge of this person’s marriage would outshine and help overcome this dark period. Even if this “peak moment” (marrying the love of one’s life) occurred when the person was 20 years old, and his or her spouse dies later on in life, this person would carry on with a positive perspective on life since the marriage and time together would outshine the passing of his or her spouse. Thus, for this individual, it will have been better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all because the love outweighs the loss.

So, this “peak moment” is much like an ideology or lens through which one sees the entire world. Much like a religious person sees the world through his or her faith or a Marxist views the world and all of history as a battle of class struggle, we view the world through our “peak moment.” By the way, all people, religious, Marxist, Conservative, Liberal, have a “peak moment” that defines their individual life perspective and it is more powerful than any other individual ideology.

One’s “peak moment” can change over time but these changes are few because we rarely have events that are so monumental that they change our entire life perspective. For example, my life now and for the next several years could be defined by a negative life perspective because of my negative “peak moment” (death of my mother). But there is a possibility that I could experience a new, life changing experience (such as falling in love with the perfect person) in the future that allows me to overcome this painful loss and view life from a new, positive perspective. It is also possible that something could occur in the future that is so negative (loss of another loved one, loss of job, severe injury, etc) that it overrides the death of my mother. This new negative “peak moment” would not change my life perspective from seeing everything through a negative lens but the new lens, or defining moment of my life, would change from the loss of my mother to the new “peak moment.”

The reason it is so important to define one’s peak moment is because if one does not accurately define his or her “peak moment,” he or she will never be able to make the necessary adjustments to change his or her perspective on life. For example, say the “peak moment” of a person’s life was when he or she lost the teaching job he or she loved doing at the age of 30. This would be the defining moment of this person’s life and this person may turn to drugs, alcohol and romantic relationships over the next several years to try to drown out the negative “peak moment.” If and when this person reaches the conclusion that he or she needs to make a significant change in his or her life, to change his or her negative perspective on life, this person might decide to stop using drugs, alcohol or to break up with his or her romantic partner. While any of these actions might be good or bad (such as giving up alcohol would probably result in positive consequences), they will not change the person’s overall negative perspective on life. This person would only be treating the symptoms or possibly unrelated issues of his or her negative life perspective. The only way to fully change one’s perspective on life is to define and overcome the true negative “peak moment” in his or her life. However, no one said this would be easy.

In conclusion, to fully understand one's life and world perspective, we must first define the “peak moment” of this person’s life. This “peak moment” will allow us to understand how the person views everything else in his or her life. “Peak moments” can come from a very positive experience or a very negative experience. Also, the “peak moment” that defines someone can change throughout his or her life. To change one’s life, he or she must define, change and overcome his or her “peak moment” to obtain a new perspective on life.