My Life and its discontents

Al Bundy

2008-11-02T23:06:00.002-06:00

Great quote from Al Bundy:

"So you think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments. To fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!"

To be or not to be?

2008-10-29T00:13:00.002-05:00

Monday, October 27, 2008
Finally got internet service back today. The internet service provider sent a guy here and he said the mistake was someone disconnected our cable tv and cable internet but he should have let the internet. The only show worth watching all day was “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” about a diabetic that died of a heroine overdose and a semi-truck driver that died of cardiac arrest while driving. I’ve heard that a heroine overdose is one of the best (painless) ways to go out.

I needed the Chow to come in to give him his twice daily antibiotic pill but he was enjoying the weather outside too much. So, I let Maggie, the Cocker Spaniel, come in and I gave her attention for over half an hour. After that, the Chow was more than willing to come in and take his medicine. Dogs can be so jealous! Maggie enjoyed coming in so much that I let her back in later during the night. Like a dog, one of these days they are going to have to hide my medicine in my food to get me to take it.

Sent Angela a text massage asking why I haven’t heard from her in a while, she said she had a terrible hangover this weekend. Maybe she did. She’s drinking to numb some pain that she has but I don’t know what it is. Rather than drinking, why can’t she just keep a journal about how horrible life is and how every breath is painful – you know…like I do? Maybe her therapist will help her.

I’m dreading tomorrow since I have to go to the doctor with dad. I mean, thank goodness I am available to go with him but I know learning about how to administer insulin and how bad his diabetes has become will send me spiraling down. He likes to skips meals and take his current medicine after many hours of no food intake but he can’t do that with insulin or his blood sugar will drop critically low.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Went to the diabetes doctor with dad. It was every bit as nerve-racking as I thought it might be. The Dr. said dad’s average blood sugar level is 400! Jesus, that is high! That really scares me. Dr said the current guidelines call for blood sugar to be 70-100. Also, dad has lost about 20 pounds but it might not be fat that he has lost, it might be weight he has lost because his blood sugar was so out of control. Great. After losing 1 parent, you automatically worry even more about the remaining parent. We met with a dietician that discussed how and what he should eat. The most important thing is he usually goes all day (literally) without eating and then eats 1, huge meal for supper. As a diabetic, he needs to eat many smaller meals to regulate his blood and so he can take his medicine. He has to start insulin now – 2 shots a day.

Then, when we got home, after seeing the doctor and getting his insulin from the pharmacy, he opened his prescription and realized they gave him syringes instead of a different injection needle he is supposed to use. So, he had to drive all the way back (an hour round trip) to the pharmacy and get things sorted out. Not a good day for him.

I let the Cocker Spaniel in again today to convince the Chow to come in to take his medicine. The Chow wants back out after an hour but the Cocker loves it in the house so dad set let her stay in. She is quite sweet.

My sister found out she will not be getting her professional license for the state of Alabama so that was a disappointment for her. She wanted to move to a warmer climate.

To my surprise, Angela called tonight and we talked for about an hour. I asked if something was wrong and why had she acted strange lately but she swore she is fine. Since she has her own issues, I was comfortable discussing my obsessive-compulsive personality disorder with her. She looked up the diagnosis in her psychology book and agreed the symptoms fit me well. Before bed I watched “Locked Up Abroad: Ecuador.”

Singing the blues

2008-10-27T14:05:00.001-05:00

Saturday, October 25, 2008
Today sucked. It started off as any other day but my melancholy gradually got worse as the day went on. Dad called from work at 11:30am and said he found a 2007 Ford Taurus that he wanted to buy in Clinton. Where is he getting the money to pay for the car, satellite dish, and home repairs while still helping my sister and I? I don’t know! So the Taurus was nice, silver, 4 door, 32,000 miles and dad bought it. I had to drive it home and that is when all these memories came back to me. The inside of the Taurus was nearly identical to the Mercury Sable (a sister car) that mom drove and we sold after her death. I felt like I was in the Sable again and mom should have been next to me. Just like hearing an old song can take you back to the exact moment when you first heard it, driving the Taurus took me back 3 years in time – a time when I was happy. Yes, happy, not just content, not just surviving, I was happy. To me now, happiness is like a fantasy, a dream, a foreign land and an unknown culture. I don’t understand how something so easily obtained in the past, something I was surrounded by at all times, can just disappear like a thief in the night. In another ironic twist, while driving home I heard song after song on the radio that came out 3 years ago, James Blunt, Daniel Powter, Red Hot Chili Peppers, it was like a went into a time warp to 2005.

As I drove home I thought about how much promise and potential I had in my life, all the way from childhood to college graduation. But my belief, which first entered my mind 6 years ago, that it will all end tragically continues to increase each year. I’ll be fine tonight and tomorrow, but next month, next year, I don’t know. Life seems like a pointless movie, often boring and depressing, but even when something happens it is without meaning. Should I watch the entire film or turn it off early? Either way it ends.

Erin called and said she will get a refund for mistakenly purchasing windows vista. And dad seems happy about the Taurus and he went to a wiener roast next door a Butch’s. I’m glad he seems to be happy and I hope he really is. He deserves to be happy.

When we got home, the local cable company that we replaced with DirectTV had stopped by and probably cut off our cable because we have no cable internet access now. How stupid can they be? We made it clear we would still keep and pay for cable internet access. Now we won’t have the internet all weekend. Bastards.

If you want to find out what is behind these cold eyes then you’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.

Sunday, October 26, 2008
Still no internet today because our internet service provider is a sham. I pretty much did nothing all day but it is not like I had anything to accomplish anyway. Another day of drudgery. Gabby went to the farm and said he plans to call about the internet first thing tomorrow. Erin called and she in nervous about not being able to move until mid December. She is worried that the weather will be bad before then and on the day we try to move her.

“Desperate Housewives” was good and she used flashbacks to show the events of the past 5 years, which had been skipped over in the storylines. Also, watched “A Haunted History of Halloween” on the History Channel. A holiday about death – now that is something I can appreciate.

Pain. I felt down all weekend. I mean, more done than usual. And this comes after I have increased the dosage of my Prozac (the 4^th time!) almost 2 weeks ago. The meds aren’t going to help. If the doctor had a pill the would fill the hole in my heart, that would make me feel better. Unfortunately, no such pill exists.

Freedom Springs Eternal

2008-10-25T00:41:00.003-05:00

Thursday, October 23, 2008
Gloomy and rainy day here, which mirrors my internal mood. Made a vet appointment for the Chow since he has a skin irritation near his tail that really bothers him. Watched “South Park” about a Pandemic of Peruvian bands. On “The Office,” Michael hooked up with the lady from HR and the office was robbed.

Dad is still having pain around the tooth he had worked on. Erin stayed home from work due to her back and stomach pains. Everyone in my family is breaking down. My only issues are strictly in the brain. Physically, I am extremely healthy. If mother nature wanted to be extremely cruel, she would make me live out a long life of despair while taking my family away at an early age. I won’t let that happen.

Quote from Roger Waters: “Many people are robbed of their whole lives because they are trapped in the system. They are used to produce Volkswagens. People are paid for their work, buy televisions and fridges and believe that this compensates for the fact that they spend their whole lives putting cars together.”

Roger sums up modern life pretty well. And we don’t own our possessions, they own us.

I wish I could run around the house destroying things with a baseball bat (like a rock star in a hotel room) because I need to get some anger out. But, disposing of the anger does help, it just brings the melancholy to the surface.

Friday, October 24, 2008
Took the Chow to the vet today and it went well. I was worried because the Chow had growled before when anyone touched his sensitive skin irritation but he was fine and let the vet touch him. The Davenports were waiting ahead of me and they didn’t even recognize me. The new vet (who’s mother is our neighbor) was really nice and said the Chow probably has a skin infection. The vet gave a shot and antibiotic pills to give him twice a day.

Went to Springfield with Gabby. We hit Maverick, Wal-Mart and County Market. I had to stand in line for over 20 minutes at Wal-Mart to get my increased Prozac prescription. There is always a couple of issues with people and their insurance coverage/costs that hold up the whole pharmacy line. Of course, we’re all broke so we have to go to Wal-Mart to get our prescriptions. Private insurance is a joke. I do understand that socialized, government run health insurance would be a joke as well. However, the difference is private insurance is a joke that many people cannot afford while socialized health insurance would be a joke that everyone would have access to. I prefer the latter.

I’m starting to think more and more about not taking my medicine. Not that I would go that far but I wish I would. I know if I quit cold turkey, there would be a 3-4 day delayed effect and then it would probably cause me to jump off the nearest bridge I could find. It just cost so much and my world perspective won’t change. I don’t have a depression that is related to a single event, such as the loss of my mother, a bad job, or a bad relationship, all can contribute to depression but I have existential depression. Everything I have read about this condition says it is harder to treat because medication and even therapy doesn’t usually improve one’s condition. That doesn’t mean one’s condition cannot improve but it does mean the traditional solutions probably won’t work for this condition. Everyday is just a dreaded chore for me in a meaningless world. What can change that? Everything is a chore, waking up, going to work or taking it easy, eating, all are chores I would avoid if I could.

On “The Sarah Silverman show” Sarah kept running over men with her car that she thought were Usama Bin Laden. The entire episode was hilarious. I tried to finish the night by watching the movie “Pink Floyd: The Wall,” which I have on VHS. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the movie because with DirectTV hooked up to the TV set, the VCR doesn’t seem to work. The setup is so complicated that I’m not about to attempt to adjust it. Once again, our technology owns us. This is another reason that I am disappointed in myself, I’m addicted to TV. My life revolves around what is on time and what time it is on. I’m owned by the TV. How did this happen? I want to be free. Maybe a completely free life isn’t too exciting, bordering on boring but it is probably a much happier and less stressful way to live.

I don't believe in magic

2008-10-23T00:18:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Road Dog (the housekeeper) came today. Gabby went to the dentist and had 2 cavities filled. The crazy part is the dentist asked him if he wanted his mouth/gums to be numbed and Gabby said “no.” I can’t believe that. Sure, he’s trying to save money but come on. Is this the 1800’s? Why have dental work without having your mouth numbed? Gabby said, “It did hurt a little but I could take it, I am a man!” Then he got his blood work taken for his diabetes doctor next week. I wish him luck because I really worry when he goes to the doctor.

Watched “Dr. G. Medical” examiner about a couple found dad in a car in a church parking lot and a woman that claimed she shot her husband in self-defense. Also, caught the “Breaking the Magician’s Code” that I had recorded. They showed how to stick a rose through a girl and how to pass through a turbofan. Started reading my “Darkness Visible” book. I think I’ll like it, the author’s depression made him hit rock bottom. One of the few things that still entertains me is now that we have Direct TV, I flip through the porno channels – we don’t get the channels because they are pay-per-view but the menu displays the title of every movie – and the titles are so raunchy, so wrong, that it is hilarious.

I had to make out another check for $435 to pay for next month’s cobra health coverage. It’s breaking me. Every month my account balance drops and I have no money coming in. Sometimes I just feel like saying “screw it” and want to quiet paying the outrageous fees for coverage and medicine. I’m not even sure the meds work and neither is my doctor. At the very most, the only thing the meds do is treat the symptoms, not my actual condition. I live in America, which is not only suppose to be the world’s only superpower now, but the greatest superpower in the history of civilization, yet health bills are breaking me, just like they do many others. There are 47 million of us Americans with no health insurance at all. Moreover, a large portion of bankruptcies are not due to reckless spending but are due to medical bills.

All the polls have Obama’s lead increasing as we reach 14 days until the election. Obama leads by 10 points in many polls.

Erin called tonight because she was having computer problems. She needed to upgrade and purchase her Microsoft Office software to continue to use it but she was confused and bought the “Windows Vista” operating system instead. So, she spent $100 on the standard version of “Windows Vista” but she already had the more advanced professional version of “Windows Vista” on her computer! Besides spending $100 to buy an inferior operating system, this did not provide her with the full version of “Microsoft Office” that she really wanted all along. Also, since the new standard version of “Windows Vista” was installed, it erased all of her stored files on her computer. She was very upset and in tears on the phone. She called technical support and will get a restoration disk back with her old operating system but her files are lost forever and she doesn’t know if she can get her $100 back from Microsoft. She said she felt like a complete idiot.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Everyday just brings more bad news. Erin called this morning and said she threw out her back while bending over. She added that dad got a phone call from his doctor today saying he needs to go on insulin. They want his blood sugar level to be at a 7.0 but it was at 12.0. He’s not thrilled but he seems to be taking it ok. I’ll be sure to go with him to the doctor next Tuesday when he starts taking the shots. I feel like I’m going through the exact same process as I did 2 years ago when mom became sick but this time it is dad. I hope the outcome is much better this time.

God is a concept, by which we measure, our pain, I'll say it again, God is a concept, by which we measure, our pain, I don't believe in magic, I don't believe in I-ching, I don't believe in Bible, I don't believe in tarot, I don't believe in Hitler, I don't believe in Jesus, I don't believe in Kennedy, Í don't believe in Buddha, I don't believe in Mantra, I don't believe in gita, I don't believe in yoga, I don't believe in kings, I don't believe in Elvis, I don't believe in Zimmerman, I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me, And that's reality, The dream is over, What can I say?
The dream is over.

Rush Limbaugh continues to insist that the 10 point lead that many polls show for Obama is not accurate. Limbaugh says this is a very close race. We’ll see. Sent a follow up letter to Bunn seeking employment. It can’t hurt. I watched the “David Gilmour Live in Gdnask” concert that I taped from VH1 Classic. He’s no Roger Waters but the concert was pretty good. Rick Wright sang and played during the entire concert. It is a shame he is gone now but he’s better off than all of us now. Finally, the episode of “MonsterQuest” that I’ve been looking forward to for many weeks was on. The episode was about giant spiders, which legends claim reach up to 4 or 5 feet in length. As always, none were found but that is ok, I’m still terrified of spiders as small as a penny.

I better get to bed now…I’m sure another day of disappointments and heartaches awaits for tomorrow.

The dream is over

2008-10-21T00:10:00.002-05:00

Sunday, October 19,2008
Virtually did nothing today. We now have well over 200 channels with DirectTV yet there is still usually nothing worth watching. Erin was still here today and she is still worried about getting moved out of her apartment. We watched “Desperate Housewives” about Lynette being jealous of Bree’s success. The entire episode was very predictable. Colon Powell endorsed Barack Obama today.

On a philosophy message board, someone named “interestedinlife” responded to my “peak moment” theory of life, which I listed yesterday. Here is what he said and my response.

Interestedinlife: “I like the idea of "peak moment", as one that have a major influence on persons life. Still, I think, that "peak moment" describes one’s psychological state. It could be a traumatic experience, or a totally illuminating experience. But is this experience conscious or comes from unconsciousness? The more fundamental question would be, do we have a freedom to choose "peak moment"? Or maybe at the moment when we find out our "peak experience", meaning comes to our life?”

My response: “I think you are really on to something here and I don't have an answer or a hypothesis yet. As you asked, can we "chose" what is our "peak moment" or at least chose what we want to define as our "peak moment?" That is an incredibly hard question to answer and it brings free will into the equation.

In my example, my "peak moment" thus far has been my mother's death. I certainly didn't choose that, however do I have the ability to change and overcome that by sheer will power? I don't know. Do I choose how to interpret it or how I let it affect me? Or are some things just intrinsically negative experiences? Sartre would most likely say yes, I do have that choice and since I have not overcome her death, I have chosen to have a negative perspective on life. But is it that simple?

If someone was sexually abused as a child, this negative "peak moment" would certainly have a lasting influence on the victim. Does the victim have the free will and ability to just overcome this? Things happen to us which we cannot control. Again, Sartre would most likely believe we choice how to deal with, accept and interpret such events. I'm not so sure. What do you think?”

Monday, October 20, 2008
Listened to guest Amity Shlaes on “CoastToCoastAM.” She is the author of “The Forgotten Man” and she said during The Great Depression the stock market dropped a staggering 80% and did not come back to its 1929 level until 1954. The rest of her interview focused on her belief that Herbert Hoover was not nearly as a bad of a President as he has been portrayed while FDR made many mistakes that prolonged the Depression.

Erin left to return to her apartment today. Dad worked all day and then had to go to a cocktail party since the bank’s merger was approved today. Watched “Big Bang Theory” about Sheldon trying to learn to drive. “2 and a Half Men” had the return of Jake’s former teacher, whom Charlie dated. The awesome part of the night was when I caught “Classic Albums: John Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band” on VH1 Classic. They discussed how the death of his mother had a tremendous affect on Lennon and how much pain it bought him. Does that sound like anyone familiar? Her death did provide a huge inspiration for his creative side but he never got over the pain. I know how you felt, John.

Building on the subject of “existential depression” that I mentioned the other day, I found a good essay on the topic. I have printed the entire article here:

Title: Existential depression in gifted individuals

Author: James T. Webb

Citation: Reproduced by permission of the Great Potential Press.

Taken from: http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_ExistentialDepressionInGiftedIndividuals.shtml

It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously. Sometimes this existential depression is tied into the positive disintegration experience referred to by Dabrowski (1996).

Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or "ultimate concerns")--death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?

Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well.

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.

When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no "ultimately right" choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations.

The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at "fate" or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression.

In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of "unfairness." Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one's life. It is at this point that they question life's meaning and ask, "Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?"

Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.

How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation.

The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982).

A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or "failure to thrive" syndrome. Often, I have "prescribed" daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, "I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug." A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a "high five" can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection.

The issues and choices involved in managing one's freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives.

It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in "causes" (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to "belong." Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration.

In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes:

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

Langston Hughes

References
Dabrowski, K. (1966). The Theory of Positive Disintegration. International Journal of Psychiatry, 2(2), 229-244.
Halsted, J. (1994). Some of My Best Friends Are Books: Guiding Gifted Readers from Pre-School through High School. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (Formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Webb, J. T., Meckstroth, E. A. and Tolan, S. S. (1982). Guiding the Gifted Child: A Practical Source for Parents and Teachers. Scottsdale, AZ: Gifted Psychology Press, Inc. (formerly Ohio Psychology Press).
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.]

Happy Birthday

2008-10-19T00:52:00.003-05:00

Friday, October 17, 2008

Finished my “Night Falls Fast” book. I did enjoy it, it was good but not great. To my surprise, dad said he called and ordered DirectTV and they will be installing the satellite dishes Saturday morning. I don’t mind, I was very content with our cable service and I already watch too much TV. I’ll probably love the DVR more than the additional channels. I guess I’m…reluctantly, heading into the future. I waited until 2006 to finally get a DVD player and my favorite computer is over 6 years old now. That is ancient in computer time. What can I say, I’m “old school.”

Went to Springfield with Gabby tonight. I drove the Blazer since it was raining. We hit Wal-Mart, Burger King and County Market. Watched “The McLaughlin Group” in which both John McLaughlin and Pat Buchanan discussed the likelihood that liberal democrats with control the House, Senate and Presidency and have more power to pursue a liberal agenda than ever before. Both Pat and John believe with no check on their power, a liberal agenda could lead to a severe backlash by the public.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Happy Birthday to me. I have completed another year of failure. Hooray. I did not get a single birthday wish from any of my friends (only relatives remembered). Not a single friend or former coworker, many of which I became very close to, remembered. Geez. I miss you mom. My sister came home and together with dad, we ate at Ruby Tuesday’s and then saw the movie “Sex Drive.” The movie was actually quite good. Aunt Debbie called and wished me well and then I talked to Nesby for about 10 minutes on the phone. I tease him that he must be able ready to get married and he claimed he is not even close to being ready. Nesby brought up the the age of 27 is the age that all the rock stars, Hendrix, Joplin, Cobain, Morrison, died. Ironic.

The guy from Direct TV told Gabby he would be here between 8am and Noon to install the satellite dish. Then he called at 1pm and said he would be here at 2pm. He finally arrived at 5:15pm! There is an entire Seinfeld episode dedicated to the Kramer running from the cable man since he lied about when he would arrive. I love that show. We showed the DirectTV guy where all the TV’s were and left to see the movie. To our astonishment, when we got home at 10pm, he was still here working on the dish and receivers! When he finally got it all setup, he couldn’t leave because our cable internet wasn’t working. Finally, he found a wire he had disconnected. He left at about 11pm! Everything seems to be working now.

I’ve gotten some feedback on my essay about the meaning of life from the people at allexperts.com. One of the experts (Neil) wrote the following response: “Nice essay. Basically, [you] have existential depression (there are thousands of articles for this form of depression that you can read on google). Existential depression is, for the most part, associated with the gifted. This is a hard depression to overcome because it is so difficult to change the way you think. I would do some research on existential- nihilism or just nihilism (I think that might be your philosophy). Unfortunately, you should know that existential depression is associated with suicide. You need to be able to differentiate the theoretical from the practical, and never let these two worlds overlap. You can be an existential-nihilist in theory, but in practice (when you live your life), be [an] empiricist, be a religious person, be something that's fun for you. I recommend that you change your lifestyle. Add some positive aspects to your life: exercise (releases the hormone serotonin which makes you feel good), listen to happier and more upbeat music?, and spend more time outside with friends and less time alone.” Of course Neil is exactly right, about me having existential depression and how to live a happier life. If it were only easier to make those necessary changes that lead to improvment.

Here is my essay:

The Individual Perspective on Life

Theories about the way one views his or her life have been developed before and will be again in the future. However, these theories all contain the same flaw, they are way too complicated. The perspective or meaning of life is such a fundamental question for us but scholars have been unable to define, understand and express this fundamental question throughout history. The individual perspective on life, or the search for meaning in one’s life, is actually easy to explain because everyone, from young children to adults, and those with high I.Q.’s to those with mental handicaps, experience this fundamental question. The individual perspective on life can be mapped out similarly to a bell curve. The peak point (which will referred to as the “peak moment”) on this bell curve defines how one views his or her life. This “peak moment” shapes one’s worldview. Everyone has a specific “peak moment” which defines his or her life however, this “peak moment” can change during the course of one’s life. Understanding this “peak moment” is a key to understanding yourself and how you view the world.

The meaning of one’s life can be mapped out similarly to a bell curve. The “peak moment” of one’s life on this bell curve defines the meaning of one’s life and how he or she perceives the world. The key to understanding one’s life and his or her perspective on life, is to determine “peak moment” of one’s life. Everyone’s life will be a string of ups and downs, including some major high points and some major low points, but the “peak moment” must be separated from all other life experiences to understand an individual’s overall perspective on life.

The “peak moment” can be an extreme high point for someone, such as marriage, getting the perfect job or becoming wealthy. However, the “peak moment” could be an extreme low point instead, such as the death of a loved one, a divorce, or losing all financial security. Once the “peak moment” is determined, it can be isolated and used to better understand how someone views life overall.

If the “peak moment” for someone is an extreme high point, he or she will view their overall life in a positive light and have a positive perspective of the world. In this way, if one’s “peak moment” is the high point when wealth or financial security was obtained, then while it remains that money cannot buy happiness, in this case it does causes happiness.

If one’s “peak moment” is an extreme low point, it will cloud and overshadow everything else in his or her life. This does not mean someone with a negative “peak moment” cannot ever have periods of happiness or experience joy but it does mean his or her overall life perspective will be negative. At the same time, if one’s “peak moment” is a positive event, he or she will still experience the trials and tribulations of life but the “peak moment” that defines his or her life in a positive light will carry the person through and help the person overcome the negative events in life. For example, I am 27 years old and as of now, my “peak moment” was the negative event of my mother passing away 2 years ago. That event shapes my entire world and gives me an overall gloomy perspective on life. I still experience joy and am happy at times but those moments are outnumbered and overshadowed by my current negative world perspective. The easy part is that I now know what I need to do to improve my life and gain a more positive outlook on life. What I need to do is accept, deal with, and overcome the death of my mother. Unfortunately, the hard part is implementing and executing the plan. To this day, I have not been about to get past this negative experience so it acts as a constant weight on my shoulders every day. Good and bad things happen everyday but nothing else really matters that much because my mother is gone forever.

Someone else with a positive “peak moment” (such as marrying the love of their life) would be able to eventually overcome and accept the death of a close loved one because as painful as the loss would be, it would not define his or her life. Instead, the comfort and knowledge of this person’s marriage would outshine and help overcome this dark period. Even if this “peak moment” (marrying the love of one’s life) occurred when the person was 20 years old, and his or her spouse dies later on in life, this person would carry on with a positive perspective on life since the marriage and time together would outshine the passing of his or her spouse. Thus, for this individual, it will have been better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all because the love outweighs the loss.

So, this “peak moment” is much like an ideology or lens through which one sees the entire world. Much like a religious person sees the world through his or her faith or a Marxist views the world and all of history as a battle of class struggle, we view the world through our “peak moment.” By the way, all people, religious, Marxist, Conservative, Liberal, have a “peak moment” that defines their individual life perspective and it is more powerful than any other individual ideology.

One’s “peak moment” can change over time but these changes are few because we rarely have events that are so monumental that they change our entire life perspective. For example, my life now and for the next several years could be defined by a negative life perspective because of my negative “peak moment” (death of my mother). But there is a possibility that I could experience a new, life changing experience (such as falling in love with the perfect person) in the future that allows me to overcome this painful loss and view life from a new, positive perspective. It is also possible that something could occur in the future that is so negative (loss of another loved one, loss of job, severe injury, etc) that it overrides the death of my mother. This new negative “peak moment” would not change my life perspective from seeing everything through a negative lens but the new lens, or defining moment of my life, would change from the loss of my mother to the new “peak moment.”

The reason it is so important to define one’s peak moment is because if one does not accurately define his or her “peak moment,” he or she will never be able to make the necessary adjustments to change his or her perspective on life. For example, say the “peak moment” of a person’s life was when he or she lost the teaching job he or she loved doing at the age of 30. This would be the defining moment of this person’s life and this person may turn to drugs, alcohol and romantic relationships over the next several years to try to drown out the negative “peak moment.” If and when this person reaches the conclusion that he or she needs to make a significant change in his or her life, to change his or her negative perspective on life, this person might decide to stop using drugs, alcohol or to break up with his or her romantic partner. While any of these actions might be good or bad (such as giving up alcohol would probably result in positive consequences), they will not change the person’s overall negative perspective on life. This person would only be treating the symptoms or possibly unrelated issues of his or her negative life perspective. The only way to fully change one’s perspective on life is to define and overcome the true negative “peak moment” in his or her life. However, no one said this would be easy.

In conclusion, to fully understand one's life and world perspective, we must first define the “peak moment” of this person’s life. This “peak moment” will allow us to understand how the person views everything else in his or her life. “Peak moments” can come from a very positive experience or a very negative experience. Also, the “peak moment” that defines someone can change throughout his or her life. To change one’s life, he or she must define, change and overcome his or her “peak moment” to obtain a new perspective on life.

Prozac Nation

2008-10-16T20:59:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Dow fell another 733 points (7.78%) to close at 8,577. Most of the major markets worldwide had their largest single day drop since 1987. I started my increased Prozac dosage today. I hope it doesn’t make me tired or affect me. Received my two books from Amazon today, “Night Falls Fast” by Kay Redfield Jamison and “Darkness Visible” by William Styron. Read the first 130 pages of “Night Falls Fast” today and found it to be quite interesting. Dad said he wants to get DirectTV so he can get “The Big Ten Network” channel so I told him what questions to ask our current cable carrier and the technitions at DirectTV. Tonight was the 3rd and final Presidential debate. McCain went on the attack and performed better but there was no game changer so I think Obama still has an 80% chance of being the next President.

Thursday, October 16, 2008
Spent more time working on my essay on the meaning of life. I have tentatively titled it “The Individual Perspective on Life” and I made tremendous progress today! However, the title is subject to change. I hope to complete it by October 18th. Also, read more of my “Night Falls Fast” book. I think I might have barely felt the effects of increasing my Prozac dosage but I think my body should adjust over the next week. Gabby is exhausted since he worked all day and then had a special board meeting to attend tonight for work as well.

Watched “Kath & Kim” about Kath promoting her home hair salon for the upcoming prom. On “The Office” Michael and the rest of the office was preparing a baby shower for Jan but she showed up to everyone’s surprise after already having the baby. Then, I caught the “Saturday Night Live” special mocking the Presidential debate.

Well it is official, I have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). My doctor diagnosed it and then Erin called tonight and said I have many of the typical side effects. I guess, now that I look back on my life, I can see many of the symptoms that are typical with OCPD. We just never realized before that I had the condition. I’m a perfectionist, small things out of order or small changes upset me, I like a regimented life with little change, I’m stingy with money and my mind races and I can’t control my thoughts. I guess it all makes sense.

Childhood's end

2008-10-14T23:59:00.003-05:00

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” in which Howard Bloom was the guest. He discussed economic breakdown cycles since the 1600’s. According to Bloom, there is a recession approximately every 10 years and a depression approximately every 70 years. During the Depressions, the technology that allowed the current world superpower becomes obsolete and shortly after the Depression, a new superpower arises. Bloom thinks the Dow will bottom at and remain at 7200 in the near future.

Erin called and said they are changing her schedule at work from 10am – 7pm with Wednesday off to the standard 8-5 Mon through Friday. She isn’t exactly thrilled and is more determined to move closer to her job since she will have to drive 5 days a week now. Watched shows I had taped from last night. “Magic’s Biggest Secrets” showed how the floating or levitation illusion is done (the magician is attached by cables from a large crane). Watched "Locked up abroad - Taiwan" that I had on tape. “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” had a special episode about how not to die. According to Dr. G., the #2 killer in her morgue is obesity and the #1 killer is smoking/nicotine.

You shout in your sleep. Perhaps the price is just too steep. Is your conscience at rest if once put to the test? You awake with a start to just the beating of your heart. Just one man beneath the sky, Just two ears, just two eyes. You set sail across the sea of longpast thoughts and memories. Childhood's end, Your fantasies merge with harsh realities. And then as the sail is hoist, You find your eyes are growing moist. All the fears never voiced say you have to make your final choice. Who are you and who am I to say we know the reason why? Some are born; Some men die beneath one infinite sky. There'll be war, there'll be peace. But everything one day will cease. All the iron turned to rust; All the proud men turned to dust. And so all things, time will mend. So this song will end.

Went to the psychiatrist today and things didn’t go well. Actually, nothing specifically bad happened and I really like my doctor, it is just that he noticed I’m still not doing well. He wants to increase my prozac to 60mg from 40 and said in the future, we might try adding Wellbutrin in as well. I hope the increase in dosage helps but I have my doubts. I am who I am…and this is me. Welcome to my world. The Dr. also said I’m probably borderline with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (I believe he previously said obsessive compulsive disorder, not personality). Who knows? Let’s just say I’ve gone mad and leave it at that!

Before bed, Angela called and we talked for an hour and a half. I know she likes me, she kept saying “you’re so cute” and “you’re so funny.” But, she has her own issues to deal with now, especially with an ex-boyfriend and current coworker named Nick. She is even seeing a therapist to help her deal with the situation. I wish her the best but I’ve got my own issues to battle everyday. I told her to call me when she has a better handle on things. Another fine day full of disappointments.

Hold on to the dream

2008-10-14T01:45:00.001-05:00

Monday, October 13, 2008
Gabby had the day off for Columbus Day and went to the farm around noon. I stayed home. I had one of those epiphany moments today in which I had several thoughts about the meaning of life. I think I might be onto something! I’m collecting my thoughts on the idea and plan to write them in an essay in the future. Erin sent a text that they had a meeting at work and it went really bad so all her coworkers are stressed out now. The Dow Jones actually had a 936 point increase to close at 9,387. That is the largest 1 day increase on record - the previous record one-day point gain, 499.19, was set during the waning days of the dot-com boom in the late 1990’s.

Monday is the best day of TV so I watched way too much today. “Unsolved Mysteries” returned to TV on the Spike network. I enjoyed the episode because the leading story was about whether Kurt Cobain’s death was really a suicide. They listed some inconsistencies such as his credit card was logged after his death, the suicide note has slightly different hand writing at the bottom, and some investigators speculated Kurt had made the decision to step out of the spot light as a rock star so someone killed him. I believe the Seattle Police Department and think it is very, very unlikely that he was murdered. After all, Cobain had made suicide attempts previously in his life. On “The Big Bang Theory” the guy from India received recognition from People magazine, which made him become arrogant. “Two and a Half Men” had Charlie dating Allen’s receptionist. “Dr. G. Medical Examiner” had a man that died as a result from diabetic complications and the other case was a man that died as a result of an injury sustained during a drunken fall.

Floating down through the clouds, Memories come rushing up to meet me now. But in the space between the heavens and the corner of some foreign field, I had a dream. I had a dream. Good-bye Max. Good-bye Ma. After the service when you're walking slowly to the car and the silver in her hair shines in the cold November air,
You hear the tolling bell, And touch the silk in your lapel, And as the tear drops rise to meet the comfort of the band, You take her frail hand And hold on to the dream.

The lines above always take me back to that horrible funeral I attended on 9-3-06. I tried to hold on to the dream for the next 3 or 4 months but in the end it was just a fantasy. That is when the worms set into my brain. I received a text from Angela tonight at 9:15. We had agreed to see a movie tomorrow night but now she said she had forgot that she has a therapist appointment tomorrow night. So she canceled and said she would call tomorrow instead. It was the third time she post-posted so I was kind of cold back to her. I sent her a text back saying, “it’s all rock ‘n roll to me.” It is probably for the best. With everything I am going through now, the one thing I do not need anymore of is drama. Also, I don’t want to have to explain anything more to her about what I’m going through now and how I’m unemployed. The less she knows, the better. I finished the night by looking through some old high school notebooks. Among the notebooks were my notes and tests from my Junior and Senior math classes. The classes were Algebra III and Pre-Calc and the work and tests looked like a foreign language to me! The work was from 1998 and 1999 (I scored 98’s and 100’s on almost all of them), I’ve forgotten it all now. It looks more intimidating than I remember it back then!

Bad day

2008-10-13T00:41:00.001-05:00

Sunday, October 12, 2008
Spent a good portion of the day sealing the driveway. Keeney and I started at 9:30am and finished at 2:30. Now my back is sore and I’m covered in black tar. I’m not used to that much manual labor! But the driveway needed it bad and now looks 10 times better. The driveway is so big that we used the 10 original (5 gallon) buckets of seal that dad purchased and he had to go back and buy an additional 6 before we could finish.

Watched “Black Blizzard” on the history channel about the causes and effects of the 1930’s dustbowl. In a sense, I can relate to how those people felt at times because when I look to the future, I see a large dust storm headed my way and I have no where to run. “Desperate Housewives” was ok, Gabriel’s daughter bullied Susan’s son and Bree’s daughter, now a hippy, returned home with her baby.

Where is the moment we needed the most, You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost, They tell me your blue skies fade to gray, They tell me your passion's gone away, And I don't need no carryin' on, You stand in the line just to hit a new low, You're faking a smile with the coffee to go, You tell me your life's been way off line, You're falling to pieces every time, And I don't need no carryin' on, Cause you had a bad day, You're taking one down, You sing a sad song just to turn it around, You say you don't know, You tell me don't lie, You work at a smile and you go for a ride, You had a bad day, The camera don't lie, You're coming back down and you really don't mind, You had a bad day.

Today was just a bad day. I want to give up. It is more than that. I just feel like giving up. Why bother? My head is full of dark forebodings because I know things will only get worse in the future. I don’t know if that future is tomorrow, next month or next year but it is coming. Talked to Angela for a half hour and we made plans to see a movie tomorrow. I don’t know why, the conversation was going really well but after 30 minutes I had one of those “got to get out of here” moments so I ended the call asap. Later she sent me a text apologizing because she didn’t realize her sister’s lunch (whom she will meet tomorrow) is the same time the movie is playing. She asked to meet on Tuesday instead and I said that is fine. I’m done, I did my part. Whatever happens, happens. And Sunday only brings more despair on the job front. It is hard to imagine that there aren’t any jobs out there but it is true. We live in such a small city and more employers are laying off, not hiring, so it is bleak out there. The only happiness I have in this world comes from the Chow. His unconditional love means the world to me. That is what mom gave me but on an even deeper (human) level. At times, the Chow helps to fill that void. If you find unconditional love, hold onto it dearly.

Charade you are

2008-10-12T01:17:00.002-05:00

Saturday, October 11, 2008
Another nice day here as the temperature reached into the 80’s. Dad had to work until noon, then came home and cleaned off the driveway so we can finish patching it, and now he is helping cook at a fish fry fundraiser for the church. He didn’t get home from the fish fry until dark and is completely worn out so we’ll have to patch and seal the driveway tomorrow.

I completely finished my “Existentialism for Dummies” book today. I really enjoyed ready it and bought 2 new books online. I broke down and sent Angela a text this afternoon saying we should see Bill Maher’s movie and she said she is definitely up for it. If I’m venturing out, this has big accident written all over it. Erin called and said how frustrated she is at her job. Her supervisors keep telling them that everyone needs to communicate better but she says no one keeps her (child therapist) notified of things going on with the kids. She then had an appointment with her own therapist, Carmen, who agreed to write a letter to Erin’s apartment stating she needs to move to avoid stressful driving in the winder. Carmen hasn’t written the letter yet but Erin hopes to get it by Wednesday so she can give her 60 day notice to move out. On “The Dog Whisperer” Cesar tamed an aggressive French Bulldog.

Big man, pig man, ha ha, charade you are, You well heeled big wheel, ha ha, charade you are, And when your hand is on your heart, You're nearly a good laugh, Almost a joker, With your head down in the pig bin, Saying "keep on digging," Pig stain on your fat chin, What do you hope to find? When you're down in the pig mine, You're nearly a laugh, You're nearly a laugh, But you're really a cry.

Watched a show on National Geographic called “The Science of Death.” Does that make me a morbid person? Nah, as the existentialist stress, I’m embracing death! The show was interesting, it showed the processes that the body undergoes after death. They also showed how cremation chambers are made and what the actual process involves. There is enough carbon released from the body during cremation that a loved one can choose to have it collected and transformed into a diamond! During embalming, the bodily fluids and blood are sent down a regular drain to the regular sewage system. Finally, they showed the process of “plasticity” in which real bodies are preserved for the viewing of others. Think of the “Body Works” exhibition that is displayed at different museums. They actual showed many of the displays from the “Body Works” exhibition that I remember seeing in Chicago back in 2004 with mom and my sister. Death is the great equalizer.

Quote of the day comes from Mary: “My life hurts.” Her employer reduced her hours so she’s been trying to find a new job but isn’t having any luck. I’ve noticed that I have started worrying more about dad lately. Nothing overwhelming or all consuming but if he’s running late or not home when he should be, I’ll start to worry. Once you lose one parent, you realize how fragile life is.

Isolation

2008-10-11T00:48:00.001-05:00

Friday, October 10, 2008
Spent most of the day following the financial crisis on TV. I really have nothing else to spend my time doing. Besides, it is like a train wreck, the conditions are so horrible that I can’t look away. Tonight, all four of the guests on “The McLaughlin Group,” who never agree on anything, agreed that we are headed for a long, deep recession. Then George Soros was on Bill Moyers’ show and said the U.S. is undergoing a fundamental change in which we will no longer be able to spend more than we produce like was have for the past 30 years. It seems like everyone in the media agrees that we should all bury our heads in the sand now.

The political news continues to be Obama’s increasing lead in the tracking polls. McCain can’t really debate the economy now since we are under a current Republican administration so his campaign has been focusing on Obama as a dangerous candidate, with a strange name, Barack “Hussein” Obama, from a foreign place, with ties to a former domestic terrorist named Bill Ayers. It probably won’t work but it is his only option.

Made the usual trek to Springfield with Gabby tonight. He was late due to a board meeting so I ate at home and just got coffee while he ate at Arby’s. The only other stop we made was at County Market for groceries. Watched an 48 Hours” episode called “Invitation to a murder” that investigated the 1995 double murder of Donnah Winger and Roger Harrington in Springfield, IL.

The good news (if you call it that) comes from Loren Coleman’s blog and his book “The Copycat Effect”: “Historical studies conducted by sociologist Steven Stack and others have discovered a noticeable dip in suicides and related violent events when there is society-wide anguish, for example, in times of massive immediate grieving in periods of wars and economic depressions.” So “it appears to be more urban myth than historical fact that the suicide rate is higher during financial recessions and economic depressions. Some of the best research studies on this subject have been conducted by sociologist Steven Stack, Department of Criminal Justice, Wayne State University, who found that during the periods, for example, after assassinations and during the Great Depression, the suicide rate was lower.” Loren adds, “It is a truism that it takes energy to kill oneself, and societally, this translates into actual chronic psychological (not fiscal) depression resulting in less self-inflicted deaths, through a stabilization of suicides or a real decrease.”

People say we got it made, Don't they know we're so afraid? Isolation. We're afraid to be alone, Everybody got to have a home, Isolation. Just a boy and a little girl, Trying to change the whole wide world, Isolation. The world is just a little town, Everybody trying to put us down, Isolation. I don't expect you to understand, After you've caused so much pain, But then again, you're not to blame, You're just a human, a victim of the insane.

As for myself, I don’t think I’m doing much better. I still feel completely detached from the world. Not like I am above the world or better than anyone else, more than I am outside the world, only an observer. I just don’t ever see things changing much. Each day brings darkness but the drudgery is even worse. But lately I haven’t been depressed and cowering in the corner, it is more just a feeling of resignation. Another day, another dollar.

Nevermind

2008-10-09T23:25:00.001-05:00

Thursday, October 9, 2008
The house of cards called the American economy (you can include the world economy as well) continued to crash today. One year ago today, on 10/9/07, the Dow Jones hit an all-time high at 14,164, today it closed down 678 points at 8,579. I mentioned Ford earlier this week, well now GM, the largest American automaker, fell to $5.41, its lowest level since December 1950. How crazy is that? The common saying for many decades now has been “as GM goes, America goes.” Well, now that GM is worth as much today as it was 58 years ago, what does that say about America? Think about it, 1950, Truman was President, the Korean War was being waged, the Cold War was starting to heat up, no cell phones, no personal computers or the internet. Is that where we are again? Glad I’m not a loser out there looking for a job now! Oh wait, I am. Nevermind.

There is still 26 days until the election and anything can happen before then but, as a political science graduate, I will say I would be surprised if Barack Obama is not our next President.

I'm worse at what I do best, And for this gift I feel blessed, Our little group has always been, And always will until the end, hello,hello,hello how low? And I forget, Just why I taste, Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile, I found it hard, It was hard to find, Oh well, whatever, nevermind, hello,hello,hello how low?

This was just a full day of ups and downs. Knock on wood, I finally got rid of the final virus on the living room computer that had been haunting me for nearly a month! I spent so many hours working on it and I think I finally conquered it! I did meet Angela tonight and had a great time! She has lost every bit of 40 pounds and looked very pretty. We went to Bob Evans and stayed at her house for a while afterwards. She gave me the “You’re very cute but need to gain some weight” line that I’m so used to anymore. She is a chain smoker now and said it is due to stress. We still had the same connection that we always had in the past. Even though it was nearly a year ago that we last met, we picked up like that was just yesterday. She is doing very well and is quite successful. She has a new SUV (I’ve never owned a brand new car), a good career, friends, family, and she is out in the world on her own. We live in two different worlds. She said we need to get together again and to give her a call sometime. I definitely want to see her again. Yet, at the same time I feel exposed again. Whenever we venture out into the world we are exposed to the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Some people believe “nothing ventured means nothing gained” but it also means accepting that large risk. I don’t like taking risks.

After leaving Angela’s, I took the normal route home, which is the same route I used to take several nights a week from college. I relived those college years on my drive home. I was actually happy then, during those college years, truly happy. That period of my life seems so long ago – almost like it took place in another universe. Mom was around then and I felt there was meaning to life. What is scary is that period wasn’t a long time ago, it was only 3 years ago. But if I ran into myself from that period, I probably wouldn’t realize that I am the same person now. How did my whole world get turned upside down in these 3 short years? I’ll never get that back. That is why I am pessimistic about the future. There is nothing I can do bring the youth and innocence back. I can’t bring mom back. I can’t go back to college. I can’t get back to where I once belonged.

I Found My Friends

2008-10-09T01:14:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Woke up to a text message from Angela that she has a corneal abrasion and her eyes are red and swollen. So we won’t meet tonight as planned. Bummer. I hope she gets better soon. I was looking forward to seeing her. It is only Wednesday but it is apparent this will be another week in which I accomplish nothing. What a waste.

Dad and I cut away part of the fence next to the shed to Carl could paint there. I think Old Man Carl completely finished painting the house and shed today. Read the chapter in my book about Existential Psychology. The chapter detailed existential psychologists Rollo May, Carl Rogers, and Viktor Frankl. The Dow dropped again today even though the U.S. Federal Reserve gathered with the Banks of England, Europe and Asia to have an emergency 0.5% interest rate cut across the world. Things are bad out there.

I'm so happy, cause today, I found my friends, they're in my head, I'm so ugly, that's ok, cause so are you, we've broken our mirrors, Sunday morning, is everyday, for all I care and I'm not scared, light my candles, in a daze, cause I've found God.

Before bed, I decided to give Angela a call. We talked for nearly 2 hours. I always enjoy our conversations and we agreed to meet tomorrow night. I’m starting to have second thoughts about meeting up with her. I won’t back out or anything like that, I just feel like I’m opening myself up to pain again. Whenever I breakout and do social things it usually comes back to bite me. When I am alone, I am lonely and unhappy but at least I feel safer. When we meet, unbeknownst to her, her current career and personal success will just remind me about how little I have accomplished. It is easier to be alone and blissfully ignorant. When I’m social, I see other people accomplishing things I haven’t. Out there in the real world it is scary. It is very sad but I’m much safer and comfortable in my bedroom. My bedroom is my safe haven, my fantasy world but that is ok, everyone knows and likes me there.

Running on empty

2008-10-07T22:58:00.003-05:00

Tuesday, October 7, 2008
It is rainy and gloomy outside. Listened to guest David Hagberg on “CoastToCoastAM” who discussed US-Russian relations and the true story behind “The Hunt for Red October.” The Dow fell 508 points today to close at 9,447. Basically, the American economy is going to Hell in a hand basket. It is almost universally agreed that the 4th quarter of this year will be even worse than the 3rd and will include increased unemployment. Ford Motor Company, the second-largest U.S. automaker after GM, tumbled 21 percent to $2.92, the lowest price since April 1983. Yes, Ford is worth as much today as it was 25 years ago and that is without even adjusting for inflation!

I went to my Psychiatrist appointment today and when I got within about 2 miles of his office, my Blazer just shut down, including the power steering. I was on a busy main street as well but luckily I (literally) coasted into a Napa Auto Parts store. It appeared that my battery was dead so I immediately called dad and he came Springfield to rescue me. We were both certain that I wasn’t out of gas but since my gas gauge has been acting up, we got 2 gallons of gas and filled it into the Blazer. Sure enough, the Blazer started right up! So that is the good news, there doesn’t appear to be any major problems. I need to get my gas gauge fixed soon since it still showed my tank as 3/4 full after dad only put 2 gallons in. Dad is going to have his friend in Virginia work on the Blazer next week. This is another time that I don’t know what I would have done if dad wasn’t there to help me. The simple answer is I probably would not be here either. I could not go to my Dr. appointment so I notified the Dr. and he called back later to reschedule for next week. I accomplished nothing today.

I’m so annoyed. I don’t even care about the 2nd Presidential debate that took place tonight. All I can say is as the economy goes down, Obama’s polling numbers continue to rise. I think he’s got an 80% chance of being our next President. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet Angela and I hope I don’t blow it.

Though they'll never fathom it, behind my sarcasm desperate memories lie, sweetheart, sweetheart are you fast, asleep? Good. 'Cause that's the only time that I can really speak to you, and there is something that I've locked away a memory that is too painful, to withstand the light of day.

Friedrich Nietzsche is just about the final Existential philosopher I will discuss in detail. I’m not a big fan of Nietzsche. I like to think this is because I disagree with several aspects of his philosophy but it is possible that I am just unnerved because I fall into his description of someone living a life of “slave morality.” Nietzsche said it is important to investigate who you are. I agree with that easily enough but he also says to be authentic individuals we should embrace and welcome change. While he is correct, change is constant both in life and on an individual level, I am horrible at dealing with change. In fact, I hate change. I hate when semesters end and all your classes change, I hate changing jobs, I hate taking a different route to work that I am not comfortable with. Nietzsche also introduced his “Doctrine of the Eternal Recurrence” which expresses the view that time is cyclical and that we will live every moment of our lives over and over an infinite number of times, each time exactly the same. For him, we should aim to live conscious of the fact that each moment will be repeated infinitely, and we should feel only supreme joy at the prospect. This doctrine seems very metaphysical and out of place to me. Next, I am not a “noble” person according to Nietzsche because my life is a psychological train wreck without purpose and direction. Also, to be noble, he said we should reject dogma and avoid the herd mentality (ie “Think for yourself” as Timothy Leary would say). A “noble” person’s life is filled with self-affirmation and self-love while a slave’s life is filled with frustration and pain and suffering. Finally, Nietzsche condemns Christianity as a vehicle for “slave morality” because it embraces the weak, the suffering, and espouses compassion for those than can’t help themselves. But is that a bad thing? I think compassion and helping others is a very noble quality to have and our ability to empathize with others is part of what makes us human. My mom was someone that was weak (health wise) and taking care of her was not only the noble thing to do, it was just about the only thing that gave meaning to my life. I’ll admit I’m also biased because I too am weak, mentally. Does that make me any less of a person than anyone else? I hope not. We should embrace compassion.

This won't hurt

2008-10-06T23:49:00.002-05:00

Monday, October 6, 2008
I’m really starting to get discouraged now. The Dow Jones fell 369 points after being down as much as 800 points. This is the first time the dow has closed (9,955) below 10,000 in 4 years. The whole economy is at a standstill now. There just isn’t anyone hiring. I got a new bill from my therapist showing that the insurance payments are still pending. With no money coming in, it concerns me. I’m thinking about canceling my therapist appointment next week. If the therapy helps, which I am not sure if it does yet, then I need it to get better. But at the same time, I have no money coming in and that increases my anxiety. It is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. There isn’t a whole lot my therapist can do for me now anyway since I’m unemployed and my major concern is finding and keeping employment. I don’t know what I’ll do at this point.

Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” which had Neil Howe as the guest. Howe discussed his work on generations and how they affect American history. He said there are 4 generation types that repeat throughout our history and they repeat in the same order. The current generation, which will last until the late 2020’s, is the crisis generation. This generation involves change and instability. Went to Springfield with Gabby. We ate at Subway and got 2 more gallons of paint at Sears. Of course, Gabby had more trouble at Sears, they didn’t have 2 cans of the same tint of paint he had previously bought. He had to settled for a different tint but the salesman took $10 off. Gabby said he would never buy paint from Sears again since he’s had so much trouble with them over the last couple weeks. On “Big Bang Theory” Sheldon got Penny addicted to online video games. On “Two and a Half Men” Allen dated 2 women at the same time and Jake got drunk. Also, watched “Locked up abroad – Maylasia.” I’ve realized from watching Locked up abroad that I would much rather be shot and killed than kidnapped and held hostage. Of course I can’t say that with 100% certainty unless I was really faced with that situation. But I do know it would be a horrible situation for my family and myself. Besides, I rarely enjoy life now, as a free person, why would I want to live as a hostage?

Final note that Hunter S. Thompson left for his wife before his death: "No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax — This won't hurt."

Angela sent me a text asking about meeting Wednesday night so we made plans to hit Bob Evans. I can tell she is really excited to see me. This is about the only good thing I have going for me now. Yet, this is just the latest example of how the moon (darkness) always eclipses the sun (light) in life because while I’m very happy at this development, it is coming at a time when I’ve been feeling down and have little going for me. I can’t just enjoy our visit because I will have to hide my recent breakdown and current unemployment. That means I have to hide a big part of who I am now. I’m not saying I won’t tell her about it in the future, but when you haven’t seen someone for nearly a year, you don’t drop all this on him or her at once.

Let's go back to the start

2008-10-05T23:29:00.002-05:00

Sunday, October 5, 2008
The dogs let me know that old man Carl was here at 9am this morning. Surely he will finish his painting today. Listened to a couple “CoastToCoastAM” shows. The first show had investment advisor Catherine Austin Fitts. She explained we've been draining value out of the real economy. She advised that the bailout bill that passed will just funnel investments into propping up the economic bubble because the plan will actually send money from Main St. to Wall Street, instead of the reverse. I agree with this and what concerns me is America is supposed to be the world’s economic power but we don’t make anything anymore. America’s wealth today comes from moving money around (the financial economy) but more and more of the real products we use in life, cars, clothes, etc, all are made in other countries. The 2nd C2C show had Richard Dooling as the guest. Dooling explained how Moore’s law suggests we will have computers with artificial intelligence that rivals the human brain by 2015. He also explained how the “Turing Test” can be used to determine if computers can actually think for themselves in the future.

Dad went to Springfield to get more paint and then worked on the farm. I exercised on the treadmill and went outside with the Chow. I applied to a business assistant position at a dental office but I doubt anything will come of it. While mailing my application at the post office, I ran into our church pastor, Reverend Mulhand. I was uncomfortable seeing him since I haven’t been to church since the candlelight service last Christmas Eve. Watched “Desperate Housewives” in which Lynette pretended to be a girl on the internet that was interested in her son and Bree’s new career gives her little time to spend with her husband.

Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are, I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart, Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Oh let's go back to the start, Runnin' in circles, Comin' up tails, Heads on the science apart, Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part, Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard, Oh take me back to the start.

Called Angela and she was helping her friend Christine move so she called back. We had a really good conversation and spoke for an hour and twenty minutes. It is easy to forget how “out of the loop” you are when you have a breakdown and withdraw from everyone around you. Angela said Brett was caught cheating on Katie several times so instead of setting a wedding date, they broke up. That was all news to me! I asked Angela if she would like to meet Tuesday but she said she has a therapy appointment that night. Yes, she is seeing a therapist! She felt a need to reassure me that she is not crazy (which she isn’t) and she has no idea of my most recent breakdown. Coincidentally, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Tuesday as well. I wanted to make sure we don’t have any of the same doctors and we don’t, she said her therapist’s name is Jo Ann. That is why I like her so much, we have a lot in common. Also, many more people than we would probably guess probably see therapists too. It’s like depression, no one talks about it publicly but when you mention it, you find out so many of your friends and relatives have suffered from it at one point or another. Anyway, Angela was telling me about a coworker she used to date but is completely over him now. That is fine with me, I don’t need a girlfriend, I just need a reliable friend that I can talk to in my life. She still seems really interested in me and said she’ll call back Tuesday to make some plans. I have high hopes but that is probably a bad thing. I know that the darkness will always overshadow the light in my life so I should be ready for an eventual letdown. I feel bad when I’m talking to her because I haven’t told her about my depression and that I’m unemployed now. I don’t want to lie to her but I’m just ashamed and not ready to disclose it yet.

It's a miracle

2008-10-05T00:50:00.006-05:00

Saturday, October 4, 2008
Old man Carl was here again to paint. I think he’ll finish the house today. It is hilarious when he works in the backyard because the Chow won’t go within 15 feet of him. The Chow keeps about 15 feet between him and Carl at all times – enough distance that the Chow feels safe but close enough that he can keep an eye on Carl at the same time. O.J. Simpson was convicted on 12 counts of robbery and attempted kidnapping. Kimbo Slice was destroyed in 14 seconds in an MMA fight on CBS. The Cubs lost 3-1 as the Dodgers swept the NLDS. Dad and I were supposed to seal the blacktop today but he slept in late and then it took all afternoon to patch the holes in the driveway. We’ll have to seal another day.

Read chapter 10 on my book on Existentialism. I’m definitely not a fan of Soren Kierkegaard and it is not because he was one of the few existentialists to embrace religion. Kierkegaard stresses that God transcends the world and there for transcends ethics. He thinks we should perform a “suspension of the ethical” when God or our religion calls for it. This is really scary to me. This idea is what makes extremists in every religion very dangerous. Extremists are certain they are right, they are willing to die and kill for their beliefs and since they are supported by faith, what is considered ethical to most of us does not apply to them. This is one of the major problems facing the world today. Also, Kierkegaard thought we should avoid the aesthetic life. This is in direct contradiction to my belief in Epicureanism, which calls for seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

We've got a warehouse of butter, We've got oceans of wine, We've got famine when we need it, Got a designer crime, We've got Mercedes, We've got Porsche, Ferrari and Rolls Royce, We've got a choice, She said meet me in the Garden of Gethsemane my dear, The Lord said Peter I can see Your house from here, An honest man
Finally reaped what he had sown, And farmer in Ohio has just repaid a loan, It's a miracle, Another miracle, By the grace of God Almighty, And pressures of marketplace, The human race has civilized itself, It's a miracle.

I usually complain about the problems I have with life but when it comes to the world and society as a whole, I think Roger Waters expressed my feelings well. Roger laments that the world is governed by the booms and busts of economic cycles. Think about it, how we treat others doesn’t matter, neither does warfare, stress, or happiness, what matters is attaining and maintaining the good economic cycles. This is primarily how our Presidents are rated. People will say, “Well, I don’t care about anything else because he ran the economy well” or “He’s probably a nice guy but he ran the economy into the ground.” Economic conditions lead to an “ends justify the means” mentality. We’re willing to overlook most of the truly important things in life because the economic marketplace is the ultimate good for our society.

My different perspective on economic conditions and how they pertain to happiness was just another thing that alienated me from my former coworkers. All three of my previous jobs were with insurance corporations. The goal for the corporation and my coworkers was to always increase profit. Despite the likelihood that increasing profit meant working harder, longer hours, increased stress levels, perhaps laying off a few coworkers, none of that mattered to them because increased profit leads to raises, new cars, bigger houses and nice vacations. Happiness for me was just surviving the day and anything that reduced my daily stress level and kept my life simple. I am always an outsider.

Hapiness is fleeting

2008-10-03T23:29:00.002-05:00

Friday, October 3, 2008
Old man Carl was back again today to paint. He asked if I was in college (meaning, why are you always home?) and I had to tell him I’m between jobs now. He’s a really nice guy though and mentioned how someone he talked to just found a job but it was because they new the owner of the company. Watched “Magic’s Biggest Secrets Revealed” which I had taped last night. They showed how to saw a man in half and how to walk through a steel wall. “The Dog Whisperer” covered a Dachshund that bites and an overprotective German Shepard.

Went to Springfield with Gabby. We got asphalt patch at Menards, his medicine at Wal-Mart and groceries at County Market. While we were at Wal-Mart, the guy that bought the Jeep from us called and said the car alarm on the Jeep was going off and he couldn’t get it to stop. Gabby explained that had never happened to us and we didn’t even know there was an alarm on the Jeep! He kind of worried about it all night because he didn’t want the guy to think he sold him a lemon. When we got home, Gabby called him and the guy said someone showed him how to turn the alarm off (put the key in the ignition and hit unlock twice) 5 minutes after he had called us. While at Burger King, Erin called to tell about a new patient her coworker (also a child psychologist) had assigned. The girl is probably 13 or 14 and she has a delusional disorder. She is convinced she is a reincarnation of a 500 year old religious cat. The girl provided all these details about the world 500 years ago. Erin said she is glad her coworker will be treating her.

The jobs report came out today saying employers slashed 159,000 jobs in September, the 9th straight month of job losses. The unemployment rate remained at 6.1%. The House of Representatives passed the $700 billion bailout plan 263-171 and the President signed it shortly later. Another thing in the bill is it will increase the amount of money that the FDIC insures for individual bank accounts from $100,000 to $250,000. Dad joked that this will protect both him and me. I laughed and said, “yeah, I can sleep better knowing if my bank collapses, my $250,000 in savings is protected.” I’m not saying it wasn’t a good provision to add to the bill but it is like a caller said on a tv show, neither he nor anyone he knows has over $100,000 in the bank. This is just something else that protects the wealthy.

I haven’t wrote much about Albert Camus because most of his philosophy is similar to Sartre’s (despite the fact that they had a public dispute over contemporary politics of the 1940’s and 50’s). Wikipedia provides a good summary of Camus. His aim was to emphasize the fact that happiness is fleeting and that the human condition is one of mortality. He did this not to be morbid, but to reflect a greater appreciation for life and happiness. We value our lives and existence so greatly, but at the same time we know we will eventually die, and ultimately our endeavors are meaningless. While we can live with a dualism (I can accept periods of unhappiness, because I know I will also experience happiness to come), we cannot live with the paradox (I think my life is of great importance, but I also think it is meaningless). Our life must have meaning for us to value it. If we accept that life has no meaning and therefore no value, should we kill ourselves?

For Camus, “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.” He rejects suicide since it is a confession that life is not worth living. He thinks life is worth living. For Camus, despite the fact that humans are subjects in an indifferent and absurd universe, in which meaning is challenged by the fact that we all die, meaning can be created, however provisionally and unstably, by our own decisions and interpretations.

Finally, I think Camus provides a great understanding into depression whether he knows it or not. Going back to his statement, we “can accept periods of unhappiness, [if we know we] will also experience happiness to come.” For the depressed, we don’t know if we will ever experience happiness again and this makes us question if life is worth living.
-------------

I received the meme below to fill out from Jena.

The Rules: Answer the questions using only ONE word.

1. Where is your cell phone? Bedroom
2. Your significant other? non-existant
3. Your hair? dark
4. Your mother? expired
5. Your father? supporter
6. Your favorite thing? music
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? bedroom
11. Your hobby? tv
12. Your fear? isolation
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? independent
14. What you’re not? confident
15. Muffins? rarely
16. One of your wish list items? books
17. Where you grew up? Illinois
18. The last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? shirt
20. Favorite gadget? ipod
21. Your pets? Chow
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? blah
24. Missing someone? mom
25. Your car? black
26. Something you’re not wearing? hat
27. Favorite store? bookstore
28. Like someone? sure
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? month

All apologies

2008-10-03T00:21:00.002-05:00

Thursday, October 2, 2008
Old man Carl was back again today to paint the house. Received an email from my former coworker and friend Chris, in which he mentioned the VP debate tonight and attached several pictures of another co-worker named Abie. Needless to say, we were always fond of her. Boys will be boys. Watched a 5 minute “Banana Man” cartoon from the 1980’s on youtube because I’ll do anything that takes me back to my childhood – the period of my life when I was happy. There were 2 “My name is Earl” episodes tonight. Joy had a staph infection in her big toe and in the 2nd episode, Earl stole and blew up an RV. The Cubs lost game 2 in the playoffs tonight 10-3.

Tonight was the first and only VP debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Again, unless there is a major gaff, rarely does someone win and lose these debates. Biden performed up to his expectations and Governor Palin definitely exceeded the low expectations the media had set for her.

What else should I be? All apologies. I wish I was like you, Easily amused, Find my nest of salt, Everything is my fault, I’ll take all the blame, Aqua seafoam shame, Sunburn with freezerburn, Choking on the ashes of her enemy, All in all we all are.

I read more about Sartre today. One of his major themes was unlike trees, watches, and other objects, humans have “existence before essence.” For example, if you find a watch, you know the watch was created by a watchmaker for a specific purpose – to tell time. Thus, a watch has essence (a purpose) first, and then it is created (existence) for that purpose. Humans on the other hand, have no innate purpose. Life is meaningless and we were not created or designed for a specific purpose. This is what separates humans from all other things. So we exist first, and have to later create our own essence (purpose). This leads to his 2nd major theme, “man is condemned to be free.” So, the positive outlook for his philosophy is even though there is no specific purpose to our life, we can create our own meaning because we have freedom to make our own choices throughout our life. But, Sartre says this brings the burden of responsibility since we are responsible for the choices we make in our life. Sartre said we always have choices even if we feel like we do not. For example, if you don’t like your job, you can quit it. You may say you can’t quit because you have to pay your rent. Sartre says paying your rent is a choice, you could chose to be homeless. He goes on to say every morning when we wake up, we make a choice because we can live our life or we can commit suicide. This freedom of choice is the silver lining in a meaningless universe for Sartre. He is also known for his quote that “Hell is other people.” Finally, Sartre is known for his warning about the “Danger of the Other.” Following Hegal, Sartre believes consciousness is a social condition. We become aware of ourselves by the way we are perceived by others. The danger is we might feel objectified by others, such as feeling they only see us as a man, a Republican, a Jew, a carpenter, etc. and not a fully conscious being. This can cause us in return to objectify others ourselves. This social objectification, leads to many dangers, such as colonialism, racism, and sexism.

I believe Sartre is correct, that freedom of choice is one of the few silver linings we have in life. While life usually only offers bad choices, we still have the freedom to choose among those bad options. For me, choosing between several bad options is better than having no option at all. That is just about the only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope in my life.

Cowards die a thousand times

2008-10-01T23:47:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A new month arrives, hope is still nowhere to be found. Watched Jeopardy with dad over his lunch and then did some wash and household chores. The guy that took dad’s Jeep home last night called back today and bought it. I think dad dropped the price to $4,300. The Cubs lost 7-2 in NLCS game 1 to the Dodgers. The big political news today was that the Senate passed a revised version of the $700 billion bailout bill 74-25. Now the bill goes to the House.

I read chapter 8 of my book on Existentialism tonight. The chapter focuses on Jean-Paul Sartre. This is the first time I have really read and studied Sartre, and more importantly, given him a fair shake. Many years ago, I was quite Conservative in my principles and therefore, I easily dismissed Sartre (a committed Socialist). But now, it seems as if many of his ideas are quite realistic. Since I am new to him, I could not completely study him in a single day so I’ll write more about him when I feel I have a more complete understanding of his ideas. One of his many great quotes was “everything that exists is born for no reason, carries on living through weakness, and dies by accident.”

To my complete surprise, Angela, my former coworker, whom I just recently wrote about, called today. I hadn’t spoke to her for a very long time! She said she didn’t know why but she thought about me at work today and wanted to see how I was doing. Of course, I had to lie to her, not because I wanted to deceive but because I wasn’t going to admit to the breakdown I had and that I’m an unemployed loser. I would really like her to be a close friend in my life again but that is way too good to be true. She made a point to tell me she has lost like 40 pounds since we last saw each other. If so, I’m really happy for her. She asked if I still looked “Ethiopian” (ie too thin) and I said “probably.” I said we need to get together sometime (and I’m really serious, I’d really like to see her) and she agreed but I can never be 100% sure if she really meant it. We talked about some of the good times we had in the past and how much we hated our jobs at BlueCross.

I need a fix cause I'm going down, Down to the bits that I left uptown, I need a fix cause I'm going down, Mother Superior jump the gun, Happiness is a warm gun, Happiness is a warm gun mama, When I hold you in my arms, and I feel my finger on you trigger, I know nobody can do no harm, Because Happiness is a warm gun mama, Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is, Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun.

Here is where I always look at the glass as half-full. I’m glad that Angela called but when something good like this happens to me, in the long term, I’m worse off. It’s because the worse thing to do someone is not to keep them down and discouraged, rather, it is much worse to give hope to someone that is discouraged and then take it back. That is what is crushing. I’d be better off in the long term if things didn’t come along to give me false hope because that only leads to the crash. I’ll probably give her a call next week and see what happens. Expect the worst.

The real world

2008-09-30T23:58:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Cooler here today, high around 60, so it is starting to feel like fall. Old man Carl is here painting the house and the dogs are not happy. Listened to “Coast To Coast AM” in which Jim Marrs, a conspiracy theorist claimed the Bush administration will use the economic crisis to suspend the Presidential election. I highly doubt it. Also, economic analyst Gerald Celente was on “Coast to Coast AM.” Celente said the current economic crisis will get much worse and be worse than the Great Depression of 1929. That is a lot of doom and gloom and quite over the top, however, Celente’s forecasts have been right on the mark over the past 20 months and his work is well documented and dated. One final doom and gloom message for today came from guest Matthew Stein on “Coast to Coast AM.” Stein spoke about peak oil and how it will impact the world. Conventional world oil production peaked in 2005 and that corresponds with the large increase in oil and gas prices. I do think peak oil is the single greatest issue facing the world – worse than economics, worse than disease and warfare, and worse than global warning. In my opinion, 5 years from now, we’ll look back fondly at $3.50 a gallon for gas.

Debra called tonight and spoke with dad. She said I should read “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle” since she thinks I would like it. She was surprised we aren’t having a wiener roast at the farm since we have for the past 6 years. Dad received a call about the Jeep today and the prospective buyer took it home tonight to try it out. It looks like someone is finally interested in buying the Jeep.

I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho, I wonder what I'd do if they all did just what I said, I'd shout out an order, I think we're out of this man get, me some boy don't make me wanna change my...tone, my tone, Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here, If I were someone else, would this all fall apart, Strange, where were you, when we started this gig, I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me.

I’ve been getting bored lately. There is rarely anything worth watching on tv (not that I need to watch more tv but I have nothing else to do, I’m unemployed) and I can’t think of a single new show this year that I want to see. So I’ve mostly been stuck watching the cable news channels, which means financial doom 24/7. It is starting to take its toll on me. It is like after the 9/11 attacks, you couldn’t watch the news coverage for days on end or it would drive you insane. Oh wait, I’m looking forward to going insane, aren’t I? My life is like the Seinfeld episode in which Kramer (who has no room to talk himself), asks unemployed loser George Costanza, “Do you even have any reason to get up out of bed in the morning” and George responds, “Well…I like to get the daily news.” I am one of those few people that could be happily unemployed – I don’t need to be entertained, don’t need movies, video games, etc., I’m quite content to read, be outside with the Chow or even relax and literally do nothing. But I can’t relax during this time off. I’m still under so much pressure. This “pressure” is what most people would just call “the real world” but the real world sucks. I am “Bartleby the Scrivener,” as my whole life can be summed up as “I’d prefer not to.” I’m not a lazy person, I just have no desire. I don’t sit around playing games, I’m not addicted to the internet, I don’t drink or go out and party, I don’t spend much money, and I eat very little. I was really good at baseball and basketball in junior high so my dad begged me (literally) to play the sports in high school but I had no desire. I’m not a bad looking guy but I don’t go out and socialize, I don’t try to court women, I just lack the desire. I could have stayed at my first job after college with guaranteed job security and lived a comfortable upper middleclass lifestyle but I hated the job and lacked the desire to stay. I only have a desire to survive, not to live and enjoy a full life. Just survive day to day. That is the story of my life. What is wrong with me?

I would prefer not to

2008-09-30T00:23:00.002-05:00

Monday, September 29, 2008
Dad took the day off and we went to Springfield. Hit Lowe’s to get driveway sealer and it cost over $350! Then we got house paint from Sears. Also, saw Chris, my former co-worker when dad stopped at Taco Bell but thankfully, Chris did not see me. At Sears, they could not get the paint mixer to work so we were stuck in there for an hour and a half while they worked on it. “Big Bang Theory” was about Leonard dating a new girl and on “Two and a Half Men” Charlie kicked Allen out of the house because Allen kept asking for the $38 that he loaned to Charlie. Neither show was very good.

Two years ago today my sister and I saw Roger Waters live in concert at Tinley Park. It was easily the best concert I ever attended. He has been my favorite artist since dad turned me onto Pink Floyd and I spent my life assuming I would never see him live. But I was wrong! As brilliant as the concert was, and it was great – Roger played the entire Dark Side of the Moon album during the 2nd half of the concert, it was still overshadowed by mom’s recent death earlier that month. I couldn’t even completely enjoy this concert that I always dreamed of seeing but never thought I would have the opportunity to see.

The Dow Jones dropped 777 points today as Washington insiders were surprised that the House of Representatives voted down the $700 billion bailout plan. The vote was 228-205. About 2/3 of Republicans and 1/3 of Democrats voted against the bill. The economy is in shambles and now political leaders are scrambling to come up with a new bill to rescue the economy.

Lunatic fringe, I know you're out there, You're in hiding, And you hold your meetings, We can hear you coming, We know what you're after, We're wise to you this time, We won't let you kill the laughter. Lunatic fringe, In the twilight's last gleaming, This is open season, But you won't get too far, We know you've got to blame someone, For your own confusion, But we're on guard this time, Against your final solution.

I came across Herman Melville’s great story “Bartleby the Scrivener.” I think I am the main character, Bartleby. Bartleby is a copier/proofreader for a lawyer but when asked by his boss to do work, Bartleby responds, “I would prefer not to.” Wouldn’t you love to tell your boss that? Bartleby is either insane, depressed, or finds life so meaningless that he refuses to do anything. The reader is left to interpret why Bartleby is this way. He continues to avoid work by always responding, “I would prefer not to.” He never leaves or enters the office, he just has snacks delivered. He literally does nothing! After he is fired he just sits in the lawyer’s office and refuses to leave. Later he is arrested for refusing to leave and is put in jail. While in jail, Bartleby refuses to eat, stating, “I prefer not to eat.” This causes him to die. At the end, the narrator learns Bartleby once worked at the Dead Letter office, and was fired after the administration changed hands. The Lawyer wonders whether it was this job, sad and depressing as it is, that drove Bartleby to his strange madness. I love this story. Bartleby refuses to do anything, even eat! At one point, he only sits in a chair and stares at the window (just like the character “Pink Floyd” in the movie “The Wall”). How brilliant is that? That is how I feel, like there is no point to trying anymore. I’m not living anymore, just surviving. I hope I become that lunatic that has no care in the world.

Don't fear the reaper

2008-09-28T23:59:00.001-05:00

Sunday, September 28, 2008
Old man Carl came over at 10am this morning and woke dad up. He stayed for an hour and a half and dad just sat in the chair, wearing only underwear, to talk to him. Then dad went out to the farm and worked with Keeney. I slept 10 hours again last night! My sleep problem had mostly been waking up after 4-5 hours of sleep and not being able to get back to sleep. So I changed from taking my sleeping medicine right before bed to instead taking it when I first wake up, 3-4 hours into the night. So it has definitely helped but 10 hours of sleep is a bit excessive for me. I’ll see how things go, I won’t be able to sleep that much when I have a full times job.

Neither Erin nor I found any good job prospects today. I’m still hoping for a call soon. I hadn’t heard from Amber for days and she messaged me out of the blue today. She’s kind of strange but I don’t have much room to talk. I was so bored I watched “The Simpsons” in which Homer became a bounty hunter and “Desperate Housewives.” I have to admit Housewives was pretty good – the show’s storyline was advanced 5 years and we got to see where everyone was now. I probably just lost the last remaining bit of manliness I still had with that admission. Listened to “Coast to Coast AM” as Linda Moulton Howe was the guest. She discussed cell phone dangers and the disappearance of honeybees. The police video of Ricardo Alfonso Cerna is shocking yet fascinating at the same time. He’s better off than the rest of us now.

Finished chapter 5 of my book on Existentialism today. I like so much about Existentialism but like so much else in life, it leaves me disappointed. The philosophy is so straight forward about the absurdity of life and how there is no meaning to life, other than what we choose to make our own meaning, and there is no special plan guiding our lives. We are all that we have. Yet, then virtually all Existentialists say we should not only accept this fate, but we should embrace it. I can understand their emphasis on accepting this rather than living an inauthentic life and running from it. But embrace it? Why? I can’t embrace the absurdity of life. The idea of embracing it is what seems absurd to me. I may have to accept this but I will not embrace the absurdity of life! For an example of this idea that Existentialists espouse, look at Albert Campus’ “The Myth of Sisyphus.” In this story, Sisyphus is condemned by the Greek gods to spend all of eternity pushing a rock up a big hill only to have the rock roll back down the entire hill when he reaches the top. This is what he will spend his entire life, and all of eternity doing. But, although Sisyphus’s life is meaningless now, he rejects this and defies the gods by embracing the challenge of pushing the rock to the top even though it will always be fruitless. He lives for this challenge and nothing else. Sorry, I’m not buying it! Whether Sisyphus, Campus or anyone else embraces the absurdity of life, it does not change the fact that life is absurd. Again, we have to accept this but we don’t have to embrace it. Embracing absurdity is defeat!

Love of two is one, Here but now they're gone, Came the last night of sadness, And it was clear she couldn't go on, Then the door was open and the wind appeared, The candles blew then disappeared, The curtains flew then he appeared...saying don't be afraid, Come on baby...and she had no fear, And she ran to him...then they started to fly, They looked backward and said goodbye...she had become like they are, She had taken his hand...she had become like they are, Come on baby...don't fear the reaper.

It still stands that the best philosopher is Epicurus. Seek pleasure, avoid pain (including hurting others) and don’t fear death. The greatest destroyer of happiness, thinks Epicurus, is anxiety about the future, especially fear of the gods and fear of death. If one can banish fear about the future, and face the future with confidence that one's desires will be satisfied, then one will attain tranquility, the most exalted state.

All the lonely people

2008-09-28T00:35:00.002-05:00

Saturday, September 27, 2008
The weather outside is great. Fall is my favorite season of the year. I love the changing colors, the harvest, Halloween and just the smell in the air. I also always liked that my birthday is in October and during fall, school is still kind of fun since the semester hasn’t been long enough to be burned out yet. Gabby worked till noon and then worked on the farm. My sister is upset because she gave her 60-day notice to move out of her apartment and they said it would cost her $1600 additional dollars because her contract had not expired yet. She expected the fee to be $500. Dad found out they do have a clause allowing tenants to move if it is related to a health issue. So dad told her to have her psychiatrist write a note about how the long drive to work and the winter weather gives her extra anxiety. I think it is a good idea and it is completely true, that is why she is moving. However, at this time, she says she is too embarrassed to do it. We’ll see what happens.

The Chow laid down beside me and exposed his stomach, wanting a tummy rub. I could never turn that look down! From that angle I noticed how white his teeth are. I’m talking about movie star white. What is up with that? My teeth are pretty white because I take good care of them and now brush with baking soda. But he’s almost 8 years old and has never brushed his teeth or used mouth wash but his teeth sparkle!

I’m sleeping better recently. Slept for 10 hours last night, which isn’t normal unless I’ve had a couple sleepless nights previously. Read about Paul Newman passing away today. Cleaned the aquarium. “Dr. G Medical Examiner” was about a funeral home director that was paid by Jacksonville, FL to cremate or embalm bodies but instead he was pocketing the money and leaving the bodies to rot in the funeral closets and in secret rooms. How sad is that? He only served 11 weeks in prison too! The Illini got hammered by Penn State. “48 hours” was about a boy (16 now) that was kidnapped for over 4 years but never tried to escape when he had a chance.

Ah, look at all the lonely people, Ah, look at all the lonely people, Eleanor Rigby, died in the church, and was buried along with her name, Nobody came, Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt, from his hands as he walks from the grave, No one was saved, All the lonely people, Where do they all come from? All the lonely people, Where do they all belong.?

Today was just another lonely Saturday. I should be used to these by now. Actually, I am. I did make several attempts to branch out and reach to others over the last several weeks. They weren’t major steps, but for me, I did increase the amount of effort I put forth. But nothing ever changes. No one will answer my call. So after my periods of outreach, I turn inward and bottle up. Just like the movie “The Wall.” The last time I really connected with someone was about 2 years ago. It was a coworker at BlueCross named Angela. She actually thought the world of me and tried to encourage a serious relationship. At the time, just after mom’s death, what I truly needed was a best friend, someone reliable, someone I could talk to. She wanted more, she was the type of person that had no problems making friends, she didn’t need anymore friends. In the process of explaining the situation to her, I lost both. Now we haven’t even spoke for a year. I take most of the blame and it isn’t easy. Since then, all my calls have fallen on deaf ears. I remember one time I was walking into work with her and she said she was starting to get worried because I was much later than usual. I told her, “One day, I just won’t show up.” She didn’t understand so I told her sooner or later, I’ll have a meltdown and I won’t be there anymore. I was right, as I should be, nobody knows me better than I know myself.

Sometimes I look forward to going mad. That statement probably sounds crazy. I have a romanticized view of going mad. For one thing, so many people I admire, Van Gogh, Syd Barrett, Roger Waters, Kurt Cobain, Virginia Woolf, went mad at some point in their lives. Also, my romanticized view of going mad includes going numb. It just seems when you reach the point of no return, you would also be at the point where you can’t be hurt, depressed, or have anxiety anymore. That would be the life! That is what I want to reach. If that is madness, then I look forward to it with open arms.

If you didn't care what happened to me

2008-09-27T05:13:00.003-05:00

Friday, September 26, 2008
Still kind of discouraged today. Fridays can be tough because it just seems I’ve completed another week of failure. At least I’m not overwhelmed. The boys forgot their mother’s birthday on “Malcolm in the Middle.” Went to Springfield with Gabby, go groceries and hit Walmart. Finally got a much needed Toaster at Target. Much needed because the staple of my diet is bread. Ate at Bob Evans, my favorite place, and I’m glad our regular waiter was not there. Last time I was there he didn’t even ask for my order, he just asked if I would have the regular meal. I don’t like to be the type of person that stands out in any situation but he obviously remembers me. I’m much more comfortable hiding in the shadows.

Tonight was the first Presidential debate despite earlier claims from McCain that he might not attend. Foreign policy was the main topic of the night but considerable time was given to the current economic crisis we are experiencing. Unless one candidate makes a huge mistake, which neither Obama or McCain did, I don’t know how anyone can say there is a winner and a loser in debates. It is human nature that whoever you tend to favor prior to the debate is who you will think performed better. Nothing has changed for me, I’m still leaning to Obama. My dad hates Obama.

If you didn't care what happened to me, And I didn't care for you, We would zig zag our way, through the boredom and pain, Occasionally glancing up through the rain, Wondering which of the buggers to blame, And watching for pigs on the wing.

I usually write about how the whole world is against me. While this is still true, I’m not completely naïve. I know many people in America and throughout the world have much worse problems than I face. This doesn’t make my worries and concerns any less real or substantial, but there is plenty of misery out there to go around. There are people in America and throughout the world that literally have nowhere to turn, no one to help them and they can’t even feed themselves or their families. These people would laugh at my problems. But this does not make me feel any better. It just keeps me grounded and reinforces many of my negative perspectives about our world.

For example, I wish our country wasn’t built and based on competition and competing interests. This exists in every country to some existent and is it does provide some benefits. But America is one of the most competitive countries and I wish we based our society more on cooperation than competition. There are worse places, Japan comes to mind, because competition in everything (school, jobs) is so fierce. But, Japan also has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. Can’t we recognize that often, we can accomplish much more together than we can alone? Everything shouldn’t be a zero sum game. Unfortunately we are taught about competition from a very early age. It is important to get better grades than your friends to you get into the best college, so you can get the best job, so you get buy the biggest house and drive the nicest car. Life is so competitive, and we are so busy and stressed, when we get a moment to breath, we often ask ourselves, “Where has all the time (or my life) gone?” After all, religious, non-religious, conservative, liberal, black, white, we’re all in this together. Finally, I understand the feelings of the few, ashes and diamonds, foe and friend, we were all equal in the end.

Sounds of silence

2008-09-26T00:07:00.003-05:00

Thursday, September 25, 2008
Still no phone calls here. Only silence and darkness. At least the weather is still really nice. I know it will turn off much cooler soon. On “Malcolm in the Middle” they went to an amusement park and Dewey was left at home. Gabby came home from work, mowed the yard and went to a tractor club meeting. He has to be worn out. He said he received 2 calls yesterday about the Jeep he is selling and neither person, one was Berman Jr., came to take a test ride today despite saying they would stop by. Went out to feed the Chow and saw something black at the top of my shirt. I assumed it was a fly but as I focused, it was a big, black, nasty spider! I hate spiders! Spiders are just about the only creature that I fear. I’m not even scared of snakes. No creature should have 8 legs. The new season of shows started tonight. On “My name is Earl,” Seth Green guest starred as Earl helps him make a movie before dying. On the 2nd episode, Earl found out his mom cheated on his dad once. On “The Office,” one of the best shows on TV, the entire company participated in a weight loss competition.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again, Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping, And the vision that was planted in my brain, Still remains, Within the sound of silence, In restless dreams I walked alone, Narrow streets of cobblestone, 'Neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp, When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, That split the night, And touched the sound of silence.

Read through Jim Henson’s biography on wikipedia. I looked him up because I saw old footage of him in a new credit card commercial. I wasn’t a huge Muppets fan but I did watch them most Saturday mornings when I was growing up. I guess the Muppets hit their peak popularity in the 1980’s and since this is when I was a very young child, they did have an impact on my life. His death has a lot of similarities to mom’s. He was just about mom’s age – he died at 53 in 1990. But there are more similarities, he died of a bacterial infection that lead to septic shock and organ failure. Once this shock and organ failure set in they take their toll rapidly and are very hard to reverse. Many people do not recover. What really hurts is mom was conscious and in a lot of pain for 2-3 hours before losing consciousness and then, about 5 hours later, passing away. I know she had to be in a lot of pain because my mom was someone that did not complain about pain. She was always under a significant amount of pain due to her Rheumatoid Arthritis but she rarely complained. I was in the hospital room when she flat-lined and it was a strange feeling. All at once, I felt shock – is this really happening? Is this a dream? I’m also devastated because reality is setting in as well while at the same time there is some, albeit small, relief because she was in so much pain during the previous few hours.

If you had a magic pill, a single, tiny pill, that you knew if you took the pill, you would go to sleep painlessly and never wake up, what would you do? I’m referring to a pill that would cause no pain, no nausea, no sleep terrors, wouldn’t upset your stomach or cause heavy breathing, just simply pain free sleep. However, as soon as the pill is taken, there is no turning back. Would you take it? I would not take the pill today, tonight or tomorrow. I’ve never been a person to self-harm, other than extremely limiting my food intake, so I wouldn’t take it now. However, just knowing the painless option was there, that such a way out was available, would be a huge relief for me. I would keep it locked away somewhere that I would always know I had access to if I needed it. I do feel like I’ve used all three strikes against me now and the last 2 years have only been one steady decline to the bottom. I’m ok now, and I make a point to take very good care of myself now because I hope to have a healthy body and mind and use it for a long time. But I’ve always felt like I’m only 1 breakdown away from taking that pill. This is especially true since I feel I’ve used 3 strikes now. Specifically, what would likely trigger such a breakdown would be losing my dad, or stress related to work. As for now, I just try to live day to day and enjoy every small victory I have. There is always a possibility that things will all work out in the end. I could always look back years from now and think, “wow, I had a rough patch there but I’m doing to much better now and I wouldn’t change a thing. After all, the past is what made me who I am today.” Yeah, it is possible, but so is winning the lottery jackpot with only 1 ticket.

Stress Stinks

2008-09-25T00:09:00.003-05:00

Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Actually found “A Haunting” episode on today that I had not seen so Gabby and I watched it over his lunch. Listened to “CoastToCoastAM” which had Neuropsychiatrist Dr. Peter Fenwick, author of “The Art of Dying,” as the guest for 3 hours. Dr. Fenwick believes near-death experiences are real and they give us insight into the afterlife. He gave accounts of deceased relatives that watch over their living family members. It was a good show but I remain very skeptical. I think near-death experiences can be explained through natural biological responses to the onset of death. This would include oxygen deprivation during death and also the fact that the body releases chemicals (such as DMT) at this time that cause hallucinations.

Later, I walked on the treadmill and went outside with the Chow. Dad went to get a haircut and eat dinner out and he asked me to go with him. I told him I just didn’t feel like getting out tonight and that I’m still not real comfortable out in public. “MonsterQuest” was about the search for Giant Bears – none were found. “Man vs Wild” took place in the Mexican desert. Bear (the host) drank his own urine for fluid and caught, killed, skinned and ate both a skunk and a rattlesnake.

The economic collapse continued today. Congress can’t agree on an economic bailout plan for Wall Street. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson came up with a plan but it has mostly been rejected because it bails out big companies that made bad loans that caused this crisis while doing nothing for homeowners facing foreclosure. People are also tired of the CEO’s of these companies getting millions of dollars in retirement packages after they run their company to the ground. I would agree that both issues need to be addressed. Both Obama and McCain have suspended their Presidential campaigns to focus on the economic crisis. McCain even wants to cancel the 1st debate scheduled for Friday. President Bush addressed the American people tonight with a primetime speech about how important a government bailout is for the nation’s economy.

There was a fascinating show on PBS tonight about how stress affects the body. The show followed scientists that collected and studied blood samples from baboons and monkeys – both primates that establish a social hierarchy (like humans). What they found was a bit chilling, the monkeys and baboons higher up in the hierarchy had much less stress, and as a result, a lower rate of heart disease and lower blood pressure. Also, it is known the stress decreases the body’s autoimmune system’s ability to fight disease and sickness. Then scientists compared the results to the British Civil Service, which is a strict hierarchy and found the same results. The lower the worker was on the civil service hierarchy, the more days of work they missed due to sickness. Stress decreases one’s life expectancy. It makes perfect sense. Stress is horrible and panic attacks, depression and anxiety can make you actually feel like you are dying at times. This is why I think happiness is seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. My hope in life isn’t to make a lot of money or be way up high on the social ladder, I just want a life with a minimal amount of stress. Unfortunately, life doesn’t usually cooperate with our desires.

Goodbye Stranger

2008-09-24T00:05:00.003-05:00

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sunny and 80 degrees here. The housekeeper (“Road Dog” as I call her) came today. I left around noon for my appointment with the counselor. Again, I want to mention that on a personal level I really like my counselor, I’m just concerned it won’t be as successful with me as it is from some others. For the first half hour I watched the clock and thought how this is a waste of my time and money. During the second half hour we discussed coping skills and what to do when you feel a panic attack coming on. There was nothing life altering here and really nothing that I couldn’t find on the internet or a book for free but she did discuss some good ideas. She commented that my light blue shirt looks really good on me and that is my perfect color. She also said I should take up the guitar because “she can really see me playing it.” Apparently I fit the guitar-playing stereotype? She should have seen me when my hair was a lot longer. Also, she advised that exercising is a great way to deal with anxiety, also reading something stimulating, keeping a stress ball around and having someone to talk to. She asked if I ever try talking to mom (even though she is no longer here) since she used to be my confident. I said I don’t, because I know she can’t hear or help me now. However, I do sometimes think about what advice she might have given if she were here. Also told the counselor that I’m concerned that I won’t ever be able to financially support myself for a long period of time without having a breakdown.

Goodbye stranger its been nice, Hope you find your paradise, Tried to see your point of view, Hope your dreams will all come true, Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane, Will we ever meet again, Feel no sorrow, feel no shame, Come tomorrow, feel no pain.

The republicans say Joe Biden keeps putting his foot in his mouth (which is true) and they think Obama will replace him and pick a new VP candidate soon. Clay Aiken came out today to People magazine and Lindsey Lohan admitted she is dating her female friend. Neither admission is a surprise.

Dad got 2 hunting knives from Jim in the mail and I think he really likes them. It is so nice of Jim to just randomly send gifts over. Dad said Rich and Shirley came by tonight on their bikes and Rich said he thinks I will get a call from Bunn and there is a job I might be interested in there. We’ll see. I hope it isn’t another let down. I can’t handle something like my previous jobs in insurance.

Watched Bill O’Reilly tonight since the woman from “hotforwords.com” was one of his guests. She alone makes the show worth watching! Also caught a show on discovery about “Ancient Killing Machines” which were basically gruesome torture devices, such as the burning bull and the crucifixion. It is impossible to understand why people are so mean to each other.

Read chapter 4 of my book on Existentialism which, oddly enough, was about existential anxiety. The book describes how this anxiety makes “the everyday world of your routine seem insignificant and meaningless.” Yes! That is exactly how I feel. Also, it is explained has existentialism anxiety makes one feel alienated and causes one to realize the whole way the world is structured and how others understand the world in a meaningful sense really has no foundation. The upside (if you would call it that) is the anxiety reveals that the world is nothing and we are nothing but, this nothingness gives us the freedom to give our lives meaning however we choose. Existentialism reached the height of its popularity in the 1940’s and 1950’s. I’m surprised there aren’t more existential philosophers in the modern period.

The sky is falling

2008-09-23T00:05:00.003-05:00

Monday, September 22, 2008

I would like to thank Jena from Every Moment Matters for the Brilliant Weblog Award! I appreciate your recognition!

Spent part of the day watching the doom and gloom of the economy on tv. Oil spiked more than $25 today to $130 barrel but settled at $120 a barrel, up $15. Now crude oil has jumped nearly $40 a barrel in just the last 4 days. The dow jones dropped 372 points to close at 11,015.

I did feel a bit better today compared to yesterday. Watched “Verminators” on the discovery channel. Enjoyed my 100% Columbia coffee and went outside with the Chow. Gabby took the day off to work on the farm and then him, Willis and I installed the remaining garage door. This time it “only” took us 3 hours to install the left door, compared to the 5 hours it took to install the right door. I guess we learned from our mistakes. Again, our job was to mostly watch Willis work and help him find the tools he needed. “Two and a Half Men” was great tonight. Charlie ran into a women he used to date 9 years ago and she had an 8 year old son that looked and acted just like Charlie with her. It is later revealed that the woman is only the babysitter, the boy is not hers so Charlie is not the dad. Oh, and Jake flooded the toilet! On “Big Bang Theory” Penny confided to Shelton that she doesn’t feel smart enough to date Leonard. I’ve been using baking soda to whiten my teeth and decided to make a paste with hydrogen peroxide. It worked really well but it burned.

Mama put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them any more, That cold black cloud is comin' down, Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Tomorrow the housekeeper is coming and I have an appointment with the psychologist. I don’t have anything against my counselor, I actually like her a lot, but I still don’t think it helps much. I’m just not sure how well therapy will work overall and especially now since there isn’t as much to discuss because I don’t have a job. Therapy works wonders for some people but I’m just skeptical that it will help me. I can’t change how I think. How I think is who I am. Also, I just know what the future holds. In a single word, that would be “misery.” Medicine and therapy can’t change that I am a pessimistic person, that I’m lonely, it won’t bring mom back, it won’t change the fact that I’ll lose my dad someday too, and that my future probably holds 45 years of working a job a hate. Is that being pessimistic? Perhaps but it is also being a realist. It is a lot like what Robert E. Howard said, I kind of view life as just drudgery. Could all that change if I made that successful human contact that is still lacking? It is possible but there is more than that to who I am and how I live.

The worms set into his brain

2008-09-22T00:15:00.002-05:00

Sunday, September 21, 2008
I watched the Bears lose to Tampa Bay and went outside a couple times with the Chow. Gabby spent most of the day working and mowing on the farm. Watched two episodes of “48 hours” about an online marriage that failed and 2 woman that were kidnapped but survived. Read more of my “Existentialism” book. Read the wikipedia biographies of Van Gogh and Virginia Woolf. Woolf lost both her parents and her half-sister by the time she was 22 and was sexually abused by her half-brothers. Van Gogh’s tale is equally tragic. During the final years of his life he had little money and lived off bread, coffee and tobacco. That sounds like me, excluding the tobacco. I find it comforting to read about brilliant people that battled mental illness.

It has been a bad day and I’m not even sure why. I woke up this morning and today was no different than any other day but by early afternoon I started spiraling down. The worms set into my brain. It was sunny and beautiful outside but instead of enjoying the weather I couldn’t turn my focus from the approaching darkness. Like I know there will be fewer and fewer of these days since this is the last day of summer. I dread the thought of winter, cold temperatures, snow and ice packed roads, long nights. I checked the paper for employment listings and there was basically nothing, other than nursing positions. Then I had to make out a $435 check for my October Cobra health insurance. Let me tell you, $435 is a lot of money when you are unemployed! The worst part is just knowing things won’t get any better. Sure, I might have a good day here and there, maybe even a good week or month, but long term, this is who I am. I wish there was a magic pill that took away all the pain but there isn’t. If everyday is a fight, don’t we need a something to fight for? What if you don’t have anything to fight for?

But it was only fantasy, The wall was too high, as you can see, No matter how he tried he could not break free, And the worms ate into his brain. Hey you, Out there on the road, Always doing what you're told, Can you help me? Hey you, Out there beyond the wall, Breaking bottles in the hall, Can you help me? Hey you, Don't tell me there's no hope at all. Together we stand, divided we fall.

Garth Brooks has that song “The Dance” in which he sings he could have missed all the pain in life but he would also have missed life itself, including all the good times. So for Garth, “The Dance” is good because the positive things about life overpower the negative things in life. I look at life just the opposite way. If I missed “The Dance” I would miss a lot of good things, good people and good times but they are all overshadowed by the anti-life forces out there. If the negative outweighs the good, it is worth giving up all the good times because you don’t have to go through the bad times.

A million tear-stained eyes

2008-09-21T00:35:00.003-05:00

Saturday, September 20, 2008
Interesting day. We worked on putting up the new garage doors from 9am-2pm. We ended up only getting one garage door up by the time we quit. Thankfully, Butch, Keeney and Willis came over to help. Dad and I helped the entire time, which means we stood around and watched mostly, fetching tools here and there. The old door had 1 roller and the new door had 2 and dad had previously looked up that the old, single roller, would not be compatible with the new door. However, our neighbor convinced him otherwise so we tried the shortcut and used the roller already hooked up. Of course it failed miserably. We had to install the 2 new rollers and it took 5 hours. Also, we still have the other door left to install.

Afterwards, I laid down to rest for a few minutes and surprisingly slept for 2 hours. I’ve been having trouble getting 7-8 hours of good sleep again. I usually fall asleep quickly when I lay down but wake up in 4 or 5 hours and have trouble getting back to sleep. The doctor has me on Trazadone, which I take before bed. Tonight, I’m going to try taking it when I wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep and can’t get back to sleep. I hope this helps.

The Cubs clinched a playoff birth today so I’m sure all their fans are thrilled. Now they have made the playoffs for 2 consecutive years. Can’t we all assume they will blow it this year, like always?

Watched “Locked up Abroad - Mexico” and then “48 hours” about an Arkansas beauty queen found murdered. Her boyfriend was suspected but acquitted. Amber messaged me a couple times today. She sends a message like she wants to talk and then hardly says anything. What is up with that?

When you try your best, but you don't succeed, When you get what you want, but not what you need, When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, Stuck in reverse, And the tears come streaming down your face, When you lose something you can't replace, When you love someone but it goes to waste, Could it be worse?

I read chapter 3 of my book on “Existentialism” and realized I’m stuck in a stage of nihilism. Nihilism is the state of belief in nothing. The book states that when something traumatic happens, such as losing someone close to you (for me, that would be mom), you face a crisis in which you need to rise to the occasion but the danger always exists that “you’ll break….[and] fall into hopeless despair.” Powerful words. I had that traumatic event and not only did I not rise to the occasion, I had a complete breakdown. As I mentioned previously, the breakdown was not immediate since I fooled myself into feeling ok for about a month, but the truth reared its ugly head and has never left. The 2 problems I have are that I haven’t got past this stage and perhaps worse, I don’t necessarily want to either. Existentialism’s ultimate goal is to find a way out of nihilism and provide meaning in this world. Since I’m so touched by existentialism and still relatively new to this form of philosophy, it is possible that as I study it I will gain a whole new perspective on the world. Possible, but I won’t hold my breath.

Yesterday don't matter when it's gone

2008-09-19T23:31:00.002-05:00

Friday, September 19, 2008
Today wasn’t necessarily a good day, as I had hoped, since nothing particularly good happened. At the same time, nothing particularly bad happened either so, when you are depressed, I guess that can be viewed as a good day. I didn’t get any of the job phone calls I was hoping for. Amber did message me, I’ll try to talk more with her this weekend.

The weather was great here again. Watched Jeopardy with dad over his lunch. Called Aida back. She graduated at UIS and works in human resources at State Farm and might have some advice to help me break into human resources. Gutz and I exchanged several emails about VP Palin and if I would vote for McCain since I like her. I said probably not but Palin did make me look at McCain again. I went outside with the Chow and then went to Springfield with Gabby. We ate at Maverick, then hit Walmart and County Market. I saw Mike from UIS at at County Market and I think he recognized me but we didn’t talk. Also, ran into Powell, from BlueCross, at County Market and talked to him.

“Dateline”was about a husband that killed the student his wife was having an affair with. The husband was completely acquitted. “Diagnosis X” was about a man with OCD that thought he had West Nile Virus. Instead, he had overdosed using pesticides since he was obsessed with keeping mosquitoes out of his house. “Dr. G Medical Examiner” was about a man who died after he though he was bit by a spider but the cause was actually a staff infection.

I did have another one of those “existential moments” while at Maverick. For one thing, I wonder what other people think about me while I’m there since I’m at a buffet but I’m abnormally thin. Not that is bothers or upsets me, it is more that I’m just curious. It got to be around 6:30pm and pretty busy, many people coming in and standing in line, the staff was working at a brisk pace. At this point I became detached and just observed everyone as I thought, “Why? What is the point?” All these people work all day and night, at there jobs, when they get home, cooking, cleaning, taking care of their families, and they do it all just so they can feed and cloth their families. When the day is over, they get up the very next morning to do it all over again. And that is life. But I just don’t understand it. Is that all there is? Why bother? Does this make me strange? Perhaps but I know that other people, whether they be depressed or just someone that views the world differently, share the same thoughts. Again, this occurred tonight while I wasn’t even particularly depressed or sad. I just consider myself to be a very rational person, I try to view everything from a scientific perspective, but I just can’t rationalize the point of life. But, perhaps that is the problem, rationalizing life from a scientific perspective. Scientifically, we’re just here for a short period of time to pass our genes to a new generation and then we pass on, allowing the process to continue. If consciousness is an accident, fluke or just very rare in nature, almost all other species are governed in life by instincts and genetics so they don’t have the ability to question and reason these issues. So I kind of feel like that is the problem, not that there is no true meaning to life or that the scientific and rational purpose to life is disappointing, but rather the problem is we are a conscious (self-aware) species that has the ability to question and reason the point of life. If we humans were not conscious beings, we wouldn’t have the ability to ponder these questions of life. For we all know, only humans question our purpose in life. Dogs, cats, and other animals don’t go see psychiatrists because they need a meaning to their lives. That answer isn’t comforting and it won’t make me stop having these “existential moments” but it is a rational way to look at life.

We all live under the rain

2008-09-18T23:08:00.004-05:00

Thursday, September 18, 2008
It was a beautiful day outside, sunny and 80 degrees. I think I have the laptop computer working all right so I spent the afternoon working on the living room computer again. It has to have a virus or Trojan infecting it. Downloaded a free antivirus – program that helped but didn’t fix everything. I finally figured out that I have the “winxp2008” virus so I downloaded a new software tool called “malwarebytes” that removed the virus. So, it took several removal programs and literally, all day and night both today and yesterday, but the living room computer is working better. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

2 years ago today I started my job at BlueCross. I actually received the phone call offering the job on Sept 7th, 2006 while I was at mom’s funeral. That whole month of September was a blur. I remember trying to look forward, start a new life with my new career, after mom passed but that was a charade. I mean, I tricked myself into thinking it was working for about a month but I was only fooling myself. I know the people that are still at BlueCross are unhappy. I received a text message from Hilton today and he joked that they won’t let him have shoe laces at work because he might try to kill himself! I told him I could relate and that I thought about using my phone cord at work to put myself out of my misery (we were both only joking).

I can still remember the song that was playing in my head the day I was in the hospital as mom was dying. It’s strange, I love Pink Floyd and everything about them, I’m also a big fan of John Lennon but it was a Matchbox 20 song in my head on that horrible day. “Bright Lights” – “when all your love is gone, who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world.” It is true and I have been lost since then. Don’t get me wrong, dad has been great and has become my rock but it was mom that got me through most of life’s problems.

I think I’ve seen every episode of “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle” so dad and I watched Jeopardy while he was home over lunch. “48 hours” was about a teenage girl battling anorexia and then men and women with body dimorphic disorder. “Wicked Attraction” on the discovery health channel was about a mother and son con-artist team. Watched Seinfeld before bed, it was the “Andrea Dora” episode and Kramer acts like a dog.

For once, I’m going to make a dramatic change and end on a positive note. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Nothing special is going on but I just feel it will be a good day. Maybe I’ll get that job phone call I’ve been waiting for. Maybe it will be something else. At least I won’t have to spend the entire day working on the stupid computer!

Smiles you'll give, tears you'll cry

2008-09-17T23:08:00.004-05:00

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Today has been one of those really annoying days. Bill was here at 8:15am to work on the other door, in the living room this time. He keeps moving back and forth from the living room and family room door so I’m stuck hiding out in my bedroom for most of the day. I have two computers and they are both giving me Hell. The main computer I use has some spyware that keeps locking it up and won’t allow me to use the internet. I tried running an anti-spyware program but the problem persists. So I used the laptop but it too locked up and my portable mouse has quit working. I spent the entire afternoon working on both computers and finally got the laptop mouse fixed. Stupid computers.

Watched “Malcolm in the Middle” – Hal accidentally burned Lois’ sweater (maybe it was a dress?) and Lois is convinced one of the boys did it. Listened to the first hour of “CoastToCoastAM” since The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, was the guest that hour. “MonsterQuest” was about about a fresh lake monster in Newfoundland Canada. As always, absolutely no proof was discovered. Skeptic Joe Nickel was on the show, I really like him.

The federal government provided an 85 billion dollar loan to AIG to prevent it from collapsing. The dow dropped another 449 points today. I remain convinced the biggest long term problem we are facing is Peak Oil. While oil did increase to around $96 a barrel today, the cheapest gas here remains at $3.95. I can remember was gas hit $2.40 a gallon after hurricane Katrina and my college friend and I were both outraged! That was when we were still used to cheap gas. Still no news here on the job front – I know, I sound like a broken record. Dad came home from work and said not to get discouraged.

I got a chance to read some of my new book on Existentialism tonight and I’m loving it! The first page of the book has a great line from French Existentialist philosopher Albert Camus stating, “the fundamental question of philosophy is that of suicide, of whether life is worth living.” Now that is powerful! Whereas religion and other philosophical systems ask “how should I live,” existentialism asks “How can I live.” That is how I feel everyday. It is easy to look back and say coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I wish I had pulled a “Robert E. Howard” when mom passed away.

Alienation

2008-09-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Bill came at 8:30am to install a new storm door and he wasn’t finished until after 2pm. Watched “Malcolm in the Middle” – it was the series finale in which Malcolm and Reese graduate from high school. I remember the exact time I watched the original airing of the episode, it was May 14th, 2006. How do I remember? It was the day after I graduated from college (5-13-06). I watched that original airing with mom and I was on top of the world at the time. I thought I could do anything and the future looked bright. There was a time when I didn’t think I could get through college so when I graduated, with a 3.8 GPA on a 4.0 scale, and was only 24 at the time, the world was mine to conquer. I was so naïve at the time. Now 2 years later, I’ve quit 3 good paying jobs, been unemployed 3 times, and most importantly, I’ve lost my mother. Life has been one steady decline since graduation.

Children, don't do what I have done, I couldn't walk and I tried to run, So I, I just got to tell you, Goodbye, goodbye, Mama don't go, Daddy come home, Mama don't goooooo, Daddy come home.

Went to Springfield and got both of my prescriptions today, for $10 total so that is really good. Also went to Barnes and Nobles and I wasn’t sure what I was looking for but I found exactly what I wanted! I bought “Existentialism for Dummies.” I haven’t had a chance to read any of it yet but I’m looking forward to it! While I don’t think anyone should subscribe to one single philosophy, religion, or political ideology, because no single school of thought has all the answers, Existentialism correctly reflects my worldview. Finished the night by watching a special 90 minute “Primetime Live” on UFO’s – seeing is believing. I don’t believe aliens are visiting earth but I still enjoy UFO shows.

Today was one of those days that I looked in the mirror and realized I look “sickly thin.”

I mentioned yesterday how I feel alienated from society and other people. Marx placed the blame of this alienation on capitalism. I do think it is a symptom of capitalism but there are other factors too. First, I need to take some of the blame on an individual level. I could go out more, join clubs, socialize, and try to meet new people but since I don’t, I will take my share of the blame. Second, I think modern society is a factor. We’re so busy with out lives and priorities that people do not socialize anymore. How many people know their neighbors? Modern society has become so technological it is alienating as well. How do we communicate? Through the email and internet postings, face-to-face contact is disappearing. As the world becomes more global and interconnected, we can communicate with people half way around the world but we lose touch with our closest friends and family. Also, quality time with family usually means spending time watching tv together. I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. Finally, Marx said labor is central to our identity and well-being because it is our own creation and it is how we project our identity. However, under capitalism, the worker only works to survive since he doesn’t own what he produces. This alienates the worker from his labor, which is essential for happiness, so it alienates us from our humanity. We are deprived of the products we create with our own labor. I think Marx has hit on something accurately here. As humans, we need to have some creativity and a way to express ourselves for happiness (recognition as Hegel would put it?) but most of us do not obtain any creativity from our jobs. There are some jobs that seem to fulfill the human need for creativity and one of those is psychologist and psychiatrist. Also, creative jobs such as artists, writers, and musicians seem to fulfill human needs well. I would also include jobs in which your labor actually involves helping people and making the world a better place (psychology, doctors, care givers, etc). Unfortunately, it seems to me that each day world becomes a lonelier place and I think alienation will continue and get worse.

In the end, it doesn't even matter

2008-09-16T00:22:00.003-05:00

Monday, September 15, 2008
Watched “A haunting” this morning. Gabby called to say Rich might be able to help me get a job at Bunn. It would probably be a good place to work but I’m not sure what types of positions are available. For now, I’ll remain skeptical. Rich did come by tonight so I gave my resume and cover letter to him. Dad has examiners at work now so he told me how financially strapped he is now. Although I already knew it, this was another downer. The Dow Jones dropped 504 points this afternoon and the economy is in the gutters. Lehman Brothers filed the largest bankruptcy in American history. Called the pharmacy and they confirmed my prescriptions are in so I’ll pick it up tomorrow. Saw the Chow and walked on the treadmill.

I just saw that Richard Wright, the keyboardist for Pink Floyd, died today. How sad is that? News reports say he was 65 and lost his battle with cancer. I didn’t even know he had cancer! That is 2 members of my favorite rock band that have passed away in the last 2 years and the remaining members are getting up there too. I hope Roger Waters, my favorite musician of all-time, lives a long life. He has influenced me so much, I hate to think of living in this world when he is no longer with us. But, back to Wright, I am very saddened. Rest in peace, my friend.

It’s odd, I don’t believe in anything paranormal so I think psychics and all that pseudoscience is fantasy but I honestly had a premonition about this. Not that Wright specifically would die, but late last night, around 2am, I got up and looked at the news on the internet because I had a feeling someone in Pink Floyd had died and I wanted to make sure there was no bad news about Roger anywhere. I don’t understand it but it is most likely just a coincidence.

Before bed, I watched “Locked up abroad” which took place in Pakistan. I really like that show! I’ve noticed again tonight I feel isolated and alienated. I’ve felt this way the last couple of nights but it is building up too. Night is usually my favorite time but lately, that is when the dark forebodings have started to set in. I feel totally disconnected from the world. I’m still not living, just surviving and I don’t see anything that will change that. I’m not at rock bottom now, when that occurs I literally sit in the family room chair and don’t move, don’t eat, don’t bathe, nothing. I’m more at a “this is all better things will ever get” state of mind and I know things can and will get worse again. That is life, peaks and valleys but I see the valleys as much, much deeper than the peaks are high. When I ask myself “Is there more to life out there” my automatic answer is “no, there is not.”

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time, Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines, Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way, The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say.

Music seems to help the pain

2008-09-14T22:39:00.003-05:00

Sunday, September 14, 2008
Just another day in my boring life. It rained all night, we’ve got about 8 inches of rain over the last 3 days. Our town was on the local news due to the amount of flooding. Watched the Bears lose to Carolina and then went outside with the Chow. Heard from Amber tonight – it was nothing special. I’m not gaga over her. Watched “Man vs Wild” with Bear Grylls – this episode was in Ireland. Still haven’t heard back from the doctor, has he called in my prescription yet?

Sunday is the big day to check the help wanted ads in the newspaper. Every time I have checked, for years now, the paper has had around 130 to 150 job listings (even though I wouldn’t be interested in most) but today there was a grand total of 53 jobs posted. I was really surprised. Apparently the economy is that bad. There wasn’t a single relevant job to apply for. Discouraging. Then I found an article about an interview former fed chairman Alan Greenspan gave today on the ABC News. He said “The United States is mired in a once-in-a century financial crisis which is now more than likely to spark a recession.” He added that this is the worst crisis of his career and the economy still has a long way to go. Finally, he said we have less than a 50% chance of avoiding a recession. While everything he said makes sense, I find it interesting coming from him. Why? Because, I personally, think Greenspan plaedy a large part in creating the economic conditions we are currently in by cutting interest rates too low and keeping them there for too long. Sure, there is plenty of blame to go around but Greenspan helped create these conditions and then got out of Dodge.

I'm in bed, achin' head, gold is lead, choke on bread, underfed, gold is lead, Jesus bled, pain is red, dark doom. Gruel ghoul, Greasy spoon. Used spool, June gloom. Why do you go? And now! Music seems to help the pain, Seems to motivate the brain. Doctor kindly tell your wife that I'm alive, Flowers thrive, Realize, realize, Realize.

I want to touch on something that I think Hegel was brilliant for developing in his philosophy. He stated humans are not only self-conscious of objects and ourselves, but other subjects as well. In other words, part of our self-consciousness comes from how other self-conscious beings (humans) view us. So true self-consciousness is a social condition and it involves our identification with conscious beings. This is certainly true since much of our self-esteem (or lack thereof) comes from how others view us. This makes the driving force of life, on an individual level, the quest for recognition. We all seek recognition in our lives and we need this to be fulfilled as humans. Recognition is obtained by different methods by different people. Some seek recognition by bullying others, attaining wealth and power, some seek it by becoming a martyr or identifying with a cause, others attempt to gain recognition by committing suicide. So we all seek and need recognition. However, in society there exist relationships of inequality and dependence. Those who are subordinates are aware of their status and this causes their superiors to negate some of the subordinate’s consciousness. At the same time, the superior enjoys their independence and power but also feels guilty for negating the consciousness of his or her subordinates. Therefore, neither the subordinate nor the superior gains full recognition in relationships of inequality. For this reason, I would add that the healthiest friendships and romantic relationships are those which are based upon equality so each member can receive recognition and fulfillment.

All is vanity and chasing after the wind

2008-09-14T00:16:00.003-05:00

Saturday, September 13, 2008

More rain today and it appears the remnants of hurricane Ike will hit us tomorrow. Amber asked if I would like to meet up tonight but, being the loser than I am, I declined by saying I was too tired. I was really tired but I also sabotage myself. Not only do I have low self-esteem, but that causes me to think something is wrong as well with others if they take an interest in me. Tried to contact her later tonight but she never responded.

Went out and saw the dogs. Also, had one of the cigars that Jim sent and it was to die for! Fantastic! It reminded me how I became so addicted to cigars a couple years ago. I have to be really carefl to ensure I don’t get hooked again. Gabby worked until noon today, then went to an open house for a 95 year old farm neighbor, then went to a fish fry at Jeremy and Gala’s house. At least he is keeping busy, he sad he was looking forward to getting out.

Walked on the treadmill and watched #1 USC hammer #5 Ohio St. Chris sent a text message saying how hot Erin Andrews is. Enjoyed a video review of “Home Improvement” for the SNES from the Irate Gamer on youtube.com.

I’m “threatened by shadows at night and exposed in the light.” I fear that the darkness is creeping back in. Darkness always overcomes light. When I look forward to my future, I see the darkness. I only see light flickering faintly when I look to my past. As each day goes by, I move farther from that light in my past and closer to the darkness. To be healthy, we need to live in the here and now but instead, I live in and yearn for the past. Almost anyone will tell you, like the song, as a child, I did “shine like a crazy diamond.” I had stars in my eyes and I was full of promise. And I had a lot of things going for me, such a great loving family, a home, protection, a good education. It was all promise. Unfortunately, promises are sometimes broken.

State capitalism has come to America. Earlier this week, the federal government seized both home mortgage giants Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. The argument from all political sides is these institutions are “too large to let them fail.” While this is true, it is amazing, even hypocritical, that Republicans support the government seizure so much. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that these institutions needed to be taken over but imagine the uproar that would have come from conservatives if this occurred under a democratic presidential administration. True conservatives and libertarians would let the market sort this out without any government intervention. What happens if the major airline companies or large commercial banks go bankrupt? Will the government step in again? It sure will. The government provided a bailout to the airlines after 9/11 and the FDIC guarantees some private money when banks fail. My problem with all this intervention is that it is state sponsored capitalism. If large private companies fail, the taxpayers will bail them out, but when large companies are successful, their CEO’s and board of directors rake in billions of dollars. There is no risk, no market correction, no efficiency for large corporations anymore. However, if you are a small business owner, or self employed and you can’t make ends meet, sorry, you’re on your own. Welcome to the corporate welfare state, guaranteeing a safety net for corporate elites.

Seek pleasure, avoid pain

2008-09-13T01:11:00.006-05:00

Friday, September 12, 2008

Damp again today but warmer. Amber sent me several text messages today and seems interested in getting to know me. Other days, she doesn’t seem very interested. She wants to talk more this weekend. I’m not going to get my hopes up. Like I always say in the end, I’m probably better off alone. Watched “Malcolm in the Middle,” Hal’s father died and he didn’t know how to grieve since he wasn’t close to his father. Sarah Palin gave her first interview to the national media tonight, with Charlie Gibson. She’s more conservative than I am but I find her to be a very likeable person. I think many Americans feel the same way. If the media continues to vilify her, it will backfire. She seems down to earth, like she could be anyone’s mom, and she is really cute! Watched coverage of hurricane Ike that will hit Galveston, Texas.

Went to Springfield with Gabby, hit Lowe’s to get a jack for the porch, then went to Wal-Mart and later got Groceries. We ate at Burger King because I like their veggie burgers and absolutely love, I mean love, their plain black cup of joe coffee. I saw my doctor back on August 28th and during the visit I advised that my meds would run out in about 2 weeks. My doctor said he would call refills in for me and made a note to make the calls right there in front of me. So, tonight I go to pickup my meds and I’m told nothing has been called in for me! Great. I have enough meds to last a couple days and I left a message for my Dr. to call the refill in but it is still annoying. I did get an iron supplement at Wal-Mart tonight to try since I’m borderline anemic.

Before bed, I let the Chow in and then watched “The Dog Whisperer.” Tonight’s episode really hit home because the woman was in her mid fifties and disabled, she said all of her family has passed away and she doesn’t have any friends. All she had was her specially trained dog and a rabbit she later picked out. Cesar even said she doesn’t have any family so she is making the animals her family, and added, “This is why animals are important.” This really struck me because I fear I will be the same when I am 50 (or younger), all alone, no family, and only a dog to keep me company. Therefore, the episode wasn’t exactly uplifting. However, as always, Cesar was incredibly positive and inspirational. He is a very motivational person with a great attitude on life. I’m sure I could learn a lot from him.

I applied to a new human resources job at Pactiv. I probably won’t hear back but it is worth a try and it is a job I would enjoy. I just need someone to give me a chance in the HR field.

Who is the philosopher I most relate to? I mentioned this in a prior journal entry and I’ve been looking for an existentialist philosopher I can closely relate to. While I most closely relate to existentialism as a philosophy or set of ideas, the more I read about Epicurus, the more I lean towards nominating him as my all-time favorite philosopher. While there have been more complex philosophers than Epicurus, especially in the 20^th century, what good is philosophy if the public at large cannot understand it? As Socrates famously stated, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Isn’t that what philosophy is about? To me it sure is. Epicurus stated the purpose of philosophy is to live a happy life full of pleasure and absent of pain. It is so simple but so true. He emphasized that friendship (which I lack) is important to obtain happiness. He never married and probably did not have any children. He embraced egalitarianism and allowed women and slaves into his schools. He emphasized the importance of science and observation and disregarded religion and the idea of divine intervention. It is hard to imagine embracing that point of view during a time in which the gods were believed to have such an enormous influence on everyday life. He taught we should live a simple life, avoid the desire for wealth and earthly possessions, live in seclusion and not draw attention to ourselves, promote life absent of pain and suffering, rejected superstition and belief in the afterlife, and advised to not fear death. His followers were also vegetarians! That is the work and ideas of a truly brilliant man! We should live a simple life, seek simple pleasures, avoid pain, suffering and belief in superstition, and not fear death. Like many, I fear dying, specifically how one dies, because here again, I want to avoid pain. But don’t fear death, for it is the end of pain. Yes, I am an Epicurist. I know I already wrote about this man recently but I will go out on a limb here and state, in my humble opinion, Epicurus probably had the greatest mind in all of philosophy!

The more things change, the more they stay the same

2008-09-11T23:36:00.001-05:00

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Today is the 7thanniversary of the 9/11 attacks. We all remember where we were at that moment when the attacks occurred. I was on my way to Springfield to take a test for a job. Yes, 7 years ago I was looking for employment, just like I am now. Doesn’t seem like I’ve accomplished much in these 7 years. I did get my college degree and work for 2 years since then but my life sure hasn’t progressed any. I’m probably doing worse now than I was then.

Received a package my from friend Jim today. He sent 2 Pink Floyd t-shirts, 2 cigars, sunglasses, a dvd of “Married with Children,” and a box of knives. I’ll probably try a cigar soon but I have to be careful, I don’t want to get hooked on them again. Watched “Malcolm in the Middle,” Malcolm and his mom had mono. It rained almost all day so I couldn’t do anything outside. I spent some time watching old Nintendo video games on youtube.com. Watching those videos of games from the late 80’s takes me back to my childhood – a much happier time. That is one of my major problems, I spend everyday looking backwards, to the past. That can’t be healthy. To move on, I need to be more forward looking. It is just so hard to let go of the past, since that is when I was happy while the future only brings uncertainty.

Found a show on Sci-Fi channel called “Destination Truth” about the paranormal. It was pretty good, they searched for a sea monster in Vietnam. I don’t believe in anything paranormal but I’m drawn to all shows on the subject. Maybe that is the human part of me that wants to believe. I think we do have a biological or genetic, and certainly social, need to believe in the unknown. That is why it is so hard for many people to approach the supernatural from a rational perspective. Finally, I read some blogs on the internet written by people with similar personal problems. It is good to read how other people feel and relate to their problems. I know I am not alone.

I read some philosophy writing of Hobbes, Locke and Hume. David Hume is one of my favorite philosophers (probably in the bottom 5 or 6). I think he was way ahead of his time. He died the year America declared its independence. He explained that we don’t know if there was a First Cause. This is still true today. Scientist don’t know if the universe had a beginning, maybe it always existed, maybe it expands from a big bang and then collapses, over and over. Hume declared that morality does not come from God, rather it comes from principles that promote our interests and the interests of our fellow human beings. This is brilliant, especially since it was made a century before Darwin. I view morality the same way. To me, if morality came from God, it shouldn’t change over time. Several things that were moral in the past (such as slavery) are not considered moral now. Also, morality is not universal across different cultures. Hume observed how humans are motivated by passions, not reason. Like one of my college professors once said, if humans always acted rationally, there would be no need for marketing and advertising. Hume seems to me to have been an atheist and many websites describe him that way. I will not speak for him, but he was certainly agnostic, skeptical, and one of the first philosophers to espouse naturalism. Hume also addressed the problem of evil. He expressed that God could not be completely beneficent because he has not eliminated evil or if he cannot eliminate evil, he is not all-powerful. However, there are some areas in which Hume was quite conservative and I wouldn’t agree with all his thoughts. For example, he appeared to support high economic inequality through his support of private property rights.

Another day, another dollar

2008-09-10T23:07:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

“A Haunting” was a repeat but I watched “Malcolm in the Middle.” Reese’s buddy from the Army, the girl that played Alex Mack, visited the family. Walked on the treadmill and saw the puppies. Our neighbors have 4 Dachshunds that bark constantly, like all weiner dogs, they are not my favorite breed. Today, I saw a 5^th dog, a puppy, in there yard. I sure hope they are just dog sitting it for someone else! The Festivus Seinfeld episode was on – that and the Kenny Roger’s Roasters episode are my favorites.

National Geographic had a show on Darwin that explained how correct his theory of evolution was and how it still holds up with all the evidence today. Darwin was the first person that really made it ok to view the world as natural and godless. If I had lived before the time of Darwin, I probably would have believed everything I read in the Bible, or whatever religion I was raised in, hook line and sinker. That Epicurus held the beliefs that he did, hundreds of years before Christ and thousands of years before Darwin, makes me even more fond of him as a philosopher.

Watched “Primetime medical mysteries,” which had an interesting segment on people that had a stroke which caused a major creative change in their brain. The people developed new personalities and one guy had to write and rhyme everything and another man had to paint and draw constantly. His paintings were very good and had a Vincent Van Gogh quality to them. Most people would consider these guys crazy now. But who knows what insanity is? My sister and her friend, both psychologists, believe that all super talented people (think Van Gogh or Einstein) have to be a little crazy. That may be true but I like the think they are as normal as everyone else. Of course, our society doesn’t like people that are different so they get labeled as insane. Crazy people kill others but so do perfectly sane people, so that can’t be a distinguishing characteristic. In past times, crazy people were often exalted, such as delusional people that were thought to be religious prophets.

White House press secretary Dana Perino is pretty cute and she graduated from UIS. How cool is that?

I think Jean-Paul Sartre was right, “Hell is other people.” It comes from his play “No Exit.” It follows 3 people in Hell, a man that likes a women but she is a lesbian, the lesbian likes the other woman that is straight, that woman likes the man but he doesn’t find her attractive. So, while I talk about longing to make a connection with people, maybe I’m better off when I don’t. Connections just lead to pain. Outside of my immediate family, every person in my life has let me down. To be fair, I’ve let most of the people, including myself, down in my own life as well. People come and go, they aren’t reliable. I need stability since I don’t deal with change well. Most of my issues come from other people and how they relate to me, including in prior jobs, school and society as a whole. I take some blame as well since I’m sure I project my feelings on others, too. I’ve always marched to a different tune than most of society and you know how our modern society views people that are different and outsiders. The sad thing is, if we all were honest and connected and communicated better, we’d find we all have much more alike, than we have that is different.

I just need to remember that I am extremely lucky that my immediate family is so loving and is here for me. At the same time, I must not forget that other people cannot be trusted since they will always let you down. For this reason, family is important and having a dog – since they won’t let you down either.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Dad took the day off to work on the farm. Still no news on the job front here. I’m not getting any calls for interviews and I’ve checked the paper and several websites, there are no new job listings. I’m discouraged. Will anything turn up soon? There are so many people unemployed and businesses are letting go of people so it is not a good time to be looking for a job.

Watched “Malcolm in the Middle,” Reese got married in Vegas while his parents were gone to Dewey’s piano recital. Rachelle sent more pictures of the baby at 4 months of age. The pictures show their whole family down in August at Burgoo. Looking at the pictures, seeing Debra, the baby, and how happy everyone is, reminds me how unhappy our family is. While their family is growing, ours is just smaller since losing mom. It is not just me, I think dad and Erin are kind of lost without mom too. But dad seems to be doing ok or at least he hides his grief better than Erin and I.

Boy, you’re gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.

I saw the dogs and walked on the treadmill so at least I feel like I did something. Erin said she is starting weight watchers today. “20/20” had a segment tonight about how good looking people, both men and women, get many advantages in life, such as better tips and more job advancement. That doesn’t help me, everyone says I’m attractive but too thin, enough to make women self-conscious. Heard from Hilton, my former co-worker and friend. He kind of has a shady side to him but I always liked him and found him entertaining. I haven’t told him or any of my former co-workers about my current situation – such as quitting my last job. I’m ashamed so I just avoid discussing it. Ended the night watching a show on alien abduction. I don’t think it is real, I assume it is a delusion or false memory but I still find the psychology of belief in alien abduction as being fascinating.

I miss the innocence of childhood. I was so happy as a child. Sure, we had to do math homework and go to school, which sucked, but we learn soon enough that the real world is much worse. I miss the security of my childhood. I understand many people don’t have good childhoods but I always felt so secure as a child. I always knew, no matter what happened, mom and dad would support me and take care of my problems. This includes problems that I caused. Now I’m on my own. I understand that is part of growing up but it is scary. America is such a “you’re on your own” society. We’re all taught to be independent, individualistic and self-reliant. The gospel of America is competition. Why can’t we have a society based more on working together than competing with each other? We’re told that the pressures of the marketplace will take care of all problems in society. That certainly is not true. One of the many groups often left out in the cold are the mentally ill. It is very sad that the wealthiest country in the world does not provide more help to the mentally ill. I’m not calling for Communism, just a little bit more of a safety net for those that cannot meet their own basic needs.

More of the same

2008-09-10T00:04:00.000-05:00

Friday, September 5, 2008

It was colder today. Watched “A Haunting,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” “Mystery Hunters,” “Doctor G Medical Examiner,” and “The Dog Whisperer.” Money is tight. Dad needs me to buy the groceries tonight. Still no calls for employment. Searched the internet, there are no new jobs. The national unemployment rate rose to 6.1%, a 5 year high and now the economy has lost jobs for 8 straight months. Not a good time to be looking for a job. I am not looking forward to working again, school and work are what caused my previous breakdowns, but for financial reasons and to get through this current funk, I need a job. I’m afraid I will spiral down, again, to the hole in the ground where I hide.

If I could trade my life at the push of a button to let mom live instead, I would do it in an instant. I don’t know how but she was one of the people that could embrace and work through the suffering of life to find enjoyment everyday. For the first time, after 2 years, dad has cleaned out and removed most of mom’s belongings from the bedroom. Where all her clothes and shoes once were, in the closet, there is nothing now. Sad.

Received a call from the Gallop polling company and I said I would vote for Obama. As of now, I will probably vote for Obama. Just about the biggest issue is health insurance. The republican party has no solution for America’s health care problems. I costs me $435 a month to pay for my Cobra health insurance now and it is breaking me. Dad, Erin (and of course mom) all have had incredible health expenses every year for decades now. Health insurance shouldn’t be strictly private companies operating to make a profit.

I’ve been using baking soda to help remove coffee stains from my teeth. Went to Springfield with dad. We went to Walmart to get Gabby’s prescription and then the groceries at Cub Foods. Saw Aunt Debra at Cub Foods. I bought the groceries. When we got home, I turned on 20/20 and the story was about people that are obsessed with health foods, specifically the raw food diet, and it showed extremely underweight people. The 26 year old man they interviewed weight 75 pounds! Of course, this prompted dad to tell me I need to eat more.

Saw a show on the Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski late last night. I find his story fascinating! He was a real genius, according to the show his IQ was over 170, he earned a PhD from Harvard in mathematics and was a university professor. Then he buys a acre of land in Montana and builds a cabin, with no electricity or running water, to live in. There he worked on his anti-technology manifesto that was eventually published in the New York Times.

People that I really admire include, Robert E. Howard, Amy Winehouse, Roger Waters, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Che Guevara, Cesar Millan (Dog Whisperer), Budd Dwyer, Timothy Leary, Matt Drudge, and many more that do not come to mind now.

I’m tired of hearing people say the good always triumphs over evil. Tell that to the Jews that died in the Holocast, or the people enslaved by the Roman Empire, or the seaside villages of England that were attacked by Vikings. There is no universal law that good always defeats evil. Quite the contrary. The better metaphor again is lightness and darkness. Darkness always triumphs over the light. That is life. Anyone that disputes this only needs to look at how our sun will eventually succumb to darkness when it burns out. Moreover, it might take another 15 billion or more years but eventually, all stars in the entire universe will burn out when their energy is exhausted. Scientist agree that at this point, the entire universe will be dark and the temperature will, basically be absolute zero. So, while it might have taken many billions of years for the universe to reach this state, that fact is for the rest of all eternity, in this universe at least, there will be nothing but darkness. Darkness always triumphs over light.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

It was beautiful outside today. 74 degrees, a cool breeze and sunny. Fall is my favorite season of the year. I am dreading winter though. I hate the cold and since I’m so thin, I cannot take cold temperatures at all. During the winter you are stuck inside the house all the time with nothing to do. One of the few things that brings me enjoyment is going outside with the puppies. I love Rocky! I never thought I would own a Chow Chow but he is so loyal. He adores me, practically worships me.

I didn’t do much all day. Nothing on TV worth watching. Dad went to the farm to work and then has to go to a fish fry at Merle’s cabin. Then he has a retirement party across the street to go to for our neighbor Butch. I hope I don’t have to go to Butch’s party but dad said they mentioned they would like to see me. Dad guilted me into going to Butch’s. I only stayed an hour and didn’t enjoy it. I’m anti-social. I’m not sure why I am the way I am but I can’t change it. I know human beings are naturally social creatures so I must be a nutcase. Finished the night by watching “Ghostly Encounters” on the Biography channel and listening to a show on CoastToCoastAM about the dangers of aspartame. Talked to Mary on the phone for over 2 hours. She said she has noticed a change in me and how I don’t laugh like I used to.

Today, I ate my typical diet regime that I have followed all summer and more or less for over 2 years. Breakfast is 2 slices of toasted whole wheat bread, served plain (no jelly, no butter, nothing). Then I have 2 cups of 100% Columbian coffee, served black, no milk, crème or sugar. Lunch is a cup of Fiber One cereal, plain with no milk. Supper is 2 peanut butter sandwiches on whole wheat, another plain cup of Fiber One and sometimes 1 Fig Newton cookie. Then 2 more cups of Columbian coffee. Late in the evening I have a Nature’s Valley granola bar, 1 cup of plain Cheerios cereal – no milk, 2 slices of plain whole wheat toast again, and sometimes a bowl of hot instant oatmeal. Before bed every night, I have another peanut butter sandwich and more Cheerios. That is the routine that very, very rarely changes.

There is someone in my head but it’s not me. Take up thy stethoscope and walk.

I’m trying so hard to get a job in the human resources field but no one will hire me. It pisses me off. I know I could do every bit as good, if not better, than most of the people in the field now. No one will give me a chance. I can’t work in the insurance industry anymore. 3 insurance jobs, 3 strikes. Before taking another job in the insurance field I would tie a rope around my neck and jump from a ladder. I looked in the Sunday classifieds that are posted late Saturday night and there are no new jobs to apply to. None, zero, zip, nadda.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Did nothing again today. Saw the puppies, Rocky just loves it when I go out there. I’ve got a girl’s phone #, Amber, she is tall, 6 feet and thin. Wonder if I will mess this up today or tomorrow. I’m concerned that she doesn’t have much of a personality though. I read that Amir Kahn got knocked out in the 1^st rounds last night, like 54 seconds! That tickled me. Watched the neighbor try to hand push the truck he is working on into his garage 5 times before he was successful. The MTV VMA’s tonight were a big disappointment. Ended the evening by watching 48 hours on Discovery Health Channel.

I listened to Mike & The Mechanics song “The Living Years” on youtube.com. That song hit #1 in 1989! I remember listening to it on the car radio with mom on our way to Springfield. I can’t put it past me, I can’t get over the grief. I told my councilor how much this still affects me after 2 years. I guess it is so hard because taking care of mom was the only thing that gave meaning to my life. Now I have no meaning. I just can’t see meaning in a life in which we get up early, work 40 or more hours a week, fight stress, struggle to pay the bills, and we continue to live this way knowing each new day will bring the same, until death takes pity on us.

I would trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday. Seriously, if I could go back to say, 2003 or 2004 now but I had to give up the rest of my life from college graduation – May 2006 – on, I would do it in a minute. I’ve had bad times in my life before, such as 1^st grade with Mrs. Gardner, junior high basketball and my freshman year of college, but the worse period of my life has easily and consistently been since September 2006 to the present.

Existence precedes essence. Most people, especially the religious believe the opposite – that essence precedes existence. This is due to their mistaken belief that we, and all life, have a purpose given to us by God and therefore he created us. In actuality, we evolved naturally through scientific processes without any divine intervention so we existed first and there is no specific essence to us. Our essence is only what we choose to make it.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Kind of a gloomy day here with rain. Watched “A Haunting” but “Malcolm in the Middle” is not on for some reason today. I keep seeing the “Shamwow” commercial and every time I see it, I come closer to buying one. Looked on the internet for any virtual pet like games but didn’t find much. Downloaded and tried “Virtual U” a college university simulator but it is way too complicated to be fun. Several new polls came out today showing McCain up by around 4 points over Obama due to his post-convention bounce. This is the first time that McCain has led Obama during the whole campaign. At night, I watched Bill O’Reilly and he interviewed Barack Obama. Then I watched “Locked Up Abroad” about an English man abducted while in India by the same terrorists that later killed journalist Daniel Pearl. Then “Dateline” was on about a man that killed his wife with a crossbow. Finished the night by watching “48 hours” and “Mystery Hunters.” Erin saw her regular doctor today and they both agreed that she needs to lose about 20 pounds.

Today was just another day in which I was left holding the phone, trying to make a connection, get a response, but there is never anyone home. That is my life story. This is why I admire people that can live in total isolation, in a cabin in the woods.

No thought was put into this. Always knew it would come to this. Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail. Pain. Pain. Pain.

It is a little scary to look back on my life and see how little I have accomplished or at least how little I have amounted to. Sure, I’m not a bad person, I’ve never had any trouble with the law or anyone else for that matter, and I am a caring person, but that doesn’t translate into life success. In a little over a month I will be 27 and I have a bachelor’s degree in Political Science that is virtually useless when looking for a job in the real world. However, I was going through some of my old poly sci textbooks the other day and it reminded me how much I enjoyed reading them and studying poly sci. From that perspective, it wasn’t really a bad decision because it was a field of study I was truly passionate about. It is just sad that I was a straight A student in high school and made the Dean’s List through college, graduated with a B.A. and a GPA of 3.8 on a 4.0 scale yet, here I am, almost 27 and I have made nothing of my life.

But it goes deeper. I don’t have a family or kids, a job, I really don’t even have any friends and instead of living life, each day I’m merely surviving life. As I told my councilor, “I’m tired of surviving.” As bad as things are, and they are bad, I still have dad for emotional and financial support. If I lose him, I’m probably finished.

My Life and its discontents

2008-09-09T23:11:00.003-05:00

Monday, September 1, 2008

I felt tired most of the day, I’m not sure why. Erin left to head back to Naperville after visiting for the holiday weekend. I met dad out on the farm later in the afternoon. Gabby, Bill, and Kenny were going to Dove hunt but they couldn’t even find Doves to shoot. I left early and Gabby never did find any Doves to shoot. At night, I took Rocky on a walk. This is the first walk I’ve taken him on in probably 4 or 5 years and he loved it.

What is madness? I live in reality, I accept the absurdity of life. There is no God, no afterlife, no meaning to life – other than what one chooses to make of it. Does this make me mad? Crazy? Does this mean the sheep that go through life unaware or choosing to ignore this fact are normal? The absurdity is that no matter what one does, or doesn’t accomplish, life always ends with death and nothingness. I guess this makes us all equal in the end.

I’ve been looking for an Existentialist philosopher that I can completely relate to but I haven’t found one yet. It’s certainly not Friedrich Nietzsche. He has a lot of good ideas but his response to the absurdity of life – The Will To Power – is not acceptable to me. Nietzsche thinks we should not only accept but embrace the difficulties and suffering that life brings. I cannot do that. Also, the doctrine of eternal recurrence is completely wrong.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Typical day, watched "A Haunting" and "Malcolm in the Middle." Walked on the treadmill and applied to a Pricing Administrator position with Bunn-O-Matic. Probably won't ever hear back from them. Maybe Williamsville bank or another local bank will call soon. The Republican Convention is tonight. I'll probably choose Obama over McCain - I think we need universal health care. Hurricane Gustav hit New Orleans yesterday but wasn't near as deadly as Katrina in 2005. Watched a great show on National Geographic Channel tonight about death and dying. They mentioned how near death experiences are probably a product of the lack of oxygen to the brain. They compared it to fighter jet pilots that experience blackouts due to the extreme G-forces they are exposed to and how they have the same near-death experiences and they aren’t dying at all. I couldn’t agree more.

What is happiness? Is it a warm gun? It is an illusion, I assume. Some people can go through life unaware of all the suffering around them. This must be why ignorance is bliss. The only path to happiness is to "Think for yourself and question authority," as Timothy Leary put it. A very, very small percentage of people chose this lifestyle and an even smaller percentage survive to tell about it. The free spirit is always classified as crazy by others and sometimes diagnosed the same. This free spirit usually has trouble finding or maintaining a job and often has to survive on the streets. America has a superstructure woven into our society that hammers any nail that sticks up.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Two years. I’m still alive but in reality, the real me, died two years ago. I can honestly say for every single day over the past two years I have wished it would have been me instead of mom. She had such a will to survive and she enjoyed life. I can say neither. Her life had meaning, mine only has drudgery. I no longer laugh, tease, mock and play, that part of me is gone.

Watched “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle.” Tonight, VP candidate Sarah Palin will give her speech at the Republican convention. I will certainly watch. She seems to be a likable person. Gave dad two resumes for human resources positions at Memorial Hospital to give to our neighbor Caroline since she works there. I’m sure it will not do any good but oh well.

Imagine there is no heaven, it is easy if you try. No hell below us, above us only skies. Imagine all the people, living for today. Imagine there is no country, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing kill or die for, and no religion too.

Crazy, toys in the attic, I am crazy. Truly gone fishing. The best non-existentialist philosopher has to be Epicurus. He taught that humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. He was a materialist and said the gods do not interview and do not have any affect on our lives. Moreover, he called for living the simple life and being a vegetarian. I certainly agree with all of that.

The Bible is correct in one place, the Book of Ecclesiastes 4:2 – the dead are better off than the living but better than both are those which have not been born for they have not seen the evil and suffering in the world.

Mom is gone, which leaves only a memory and a snapshot in the family album. I wish it had been me.

Roger Waters was right, life is a constant struggle between light (the sun) and darkness (the moon). Mom was the sun, she was a life giving force. I am the moon, a life denying force. In the end, everything really is eclipsed by the moon. There isn’t just a darkside of the moon, the whole thing is dark.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

It rained all day, from dawn to dusk. It was the remnants of hurricane Gustav. VP candidate Sarah Palin gave a great speech last night, she has almost received universal recognition from the media for the performance. I’ll still probably vote for Obama but Palin is almost enough to make me vote for McCain. Almost. Watched “A Haunting” and “Malcolm in the Middle.” Dad really likes “A Haunting.” He mentioned that he even had a dream about it last night. He usually asks how the episode ended since he has to go back to work before the show is over.

Saw the councilor today. It helps to talk some but this journal seems to help as much as anything. We discussed how my biggest concern is the “maintenance” phase of depression/anxiety. That being the phase after which I do find a job but need to keep it and remain a healthy, productive person instead of breaking down like I have in all my other jobs. Of course, still no calls or info regarding jobs today. I still have no leads. Who knows what the future holds. At least the medicine – 40MG Prozac a day – seems to help some. However, it is not a cure all.

At 6 feet 2 inches tall and 150 pounds, everyone seems to think I’m about 20 pounds underweight. I guess that comes with being a Vegan and having a reduced appetite due to anxiety. I’d rather be 20 pounds underweight than 20 pounds overweight. I was actually down to 148 pounds when mom passed away and I looked totally emaciated.

For my whole life (everything, jobs, relationships, happiness) I have been on the phone, waiting, waiting, as the phones rings but no one every picks up on the other end to answer my call.

Man I swear I don’t have a gun, no I don’t have a gun.

I was thinking about the absurdity of life today – how life is meaningless, there is no God and no matter what we do or don’t do, we all die. Death leads to eternal nothingness. That makes life pretty meaningless and it sucks but at the same time, I would be terrified if I believed that there was an afterlife or reincarnation of some sort. That is scary since the thought that I would have to struggle through existence for eternity or relive it over and over in reincarnation is worse than eternal nothingness. Death is the long sleep and I view that as being peaceful. The most peace I derive everyday is when I’m asleep. So the absurdity of life isn’t a good or bad thing, it’s like nature, not compassionate or uncaring, it just is what it is. We shouldn’t hide or ignore the absurdity of life as most people and society as a whole does but we also do not need to embrace it, as some existentialist philosophers propose. We just need to recognize the absurdity.